


Bittersweet Summer

by driftingskies237



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, Confessions, Developing Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Getting Together, High School, M/M, Slow Burn, Summer, Swearing, Underage Smoking, tense situations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2019-11-08 23:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 47,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17990834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driftingskies237/pseuds/driftingskies237
Summary: Cyrus is determined to have the greatest summer ever with his best friends before their senior year. Unfortunately, his plans get derailed when his parents suddenly announce their summer long family vacation to Santa Cruz. Cyrus starts preparing for a sad, lonely summer, but that all changes when he meets local TJ Kippen.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the playlist that goes along with the story: https://open.spotify.com/user/o9d0grwzvjk1go3b6cz36yux9/playlist/4ToyEXRbSrup3eqpEMJACp?si=JJ8LrEW_QzW_c6jQYnbFhw

_June 3, 2019: Shadyside, UT_

“We’re leaving for the summer.”

Those words rung continuously through Cyrus’s head for the last few days, and yet only now that the car is packed and pulling out of the driveway does it truly register. A deep, empty chasm fills his chest as he watches Andi and Buffy sadly wave goodbye from the sidewalk. He numbly lifts his hand and waves back until they appear as nothing but specks in the distance.

Before his parents can force him into conversation, he pushes his headphones in and turns on some random playlist. Ironically, the first song that comes on is It’s a Beautiful Day. Instead of changing it, Cyrus sighs and curls up into the seat, accepting the inevitable misery he’ll be in for the remainder of the trip. His forehead presses against the cool of the window, and he watches emptily as they drive past the familiar mountains surrounding Shadyside.

Cyrus never planned on spending his summer before senior year on a three-month long family vacation. It came out of nowhere, and despite his arguments with all four of his parents, he had no choice but to accept it. He remembers how excited he was to spend the summer with all his friends. They even started writing a summer bucket list of sorts for maximum fun. For once, everyone had planned to stay in Shadyside for the whole break. Of course, now Cyrus wouldn’t be there at all until the very last week.

Already, he wishes he were back home.

He thinks of his goodbye with his friends throughout the drive, not able to get it out of his mind.

Buffy and Andi came to say goodbye before he left, standing out in his driveway waiting for him. He smiled at them, but it soon fell off his face. They jogged up to him, and for a moment no one knew what to say. After telling them the news, things between them had been depressing, almost like when Buffy moved away.

“I still can’t believe you’re leaving,” Andi admitted with a sorrowful look. “Now who’s going to be there to protest anytime we do physical activity?”

Cyrus chuckled half-heartedly, then offered, “Maybe you could get a time capsule Cyrus?”

“Time capsule Cyrus could never take the place of the real one,” Andi says sincerely.

Buffy nodded in agreement, “Summer won’t be the same without you, Cy.”

Unable to hold out any longer, he proceeded to tug them both into a tight group hug. He attempted to hold back tears as best as he could. “I’m going to miss you both _so_ much.”

Now, Cyrus forces his music louder to try and block out his depressed feelings. He spends most of the car trip in a haze, drifting in and out of a fitful sleep as music bombards his ear drums. It does nothing to cease his uneasiness.

They’re heading to Santa Cruz, California, which is a long way from home. Mountains turn into rocky beach coasts, and cloudy, temperate weather turns into sunny blue skies. He wishes he were anywhere else.

It’s not that he’s ungrateful for his family taking him on a vacation. In fact, he would normally be elated for such a trip if it weren’t going to last all summer. The idea of spending almost all his time with four psychologists adds to the stress of the trip. Finally, the idea that Cyrus must miss out on possibly one of the last summers he and his friends will ever spend together makes it even worse.

By the time they finally reach the hotel, it’s past eleven. Cyrus doesn’t feel tired in the least bit. As they pull into a parking spot, Cyrus realizes that the hotel is a close walk to the beach; he can hear the dark waves crashing along the shoreline as soon as they exit the car. The warm, salty breeze unsettles him. It all feels so wrong.

Cyrus rooms with his mom and step-father, sleeping on a dinky pull out couch in a small, separate living room. He’s thankful that he’ll get at least a tiny bit of privacy during this vacation. Unloading their stuff takes a while, and by the time they finish it’s already almost midnight in California time. Back home, it’s nearing one in the morning. His fingers hover over the keyboard guiltily as he considers messaging the group chat. He begins typing, only to go back and delete it all a second later. He’ll text them at more reasonable hours.

Sighing, Cyrus flops down onto the couch bed, springs squeaking as it bounces. He blows a tuff of hair away from his eyes. This summer is going to suck.

 

* * *

 

_May 25, 2019: Santa Cruz, CA_

“This summer is going to suck,” TJ groans from his spot at the kitchen table. He frustratedly runs his hands through his hair again.

Across the room, his sister Amber rolls her eyes. “You’re being overdramatic.”

“I’m practically on house arrest, Amber! It’s summer vacation! I should be able to chill and hang out with my friends whenever I want.”

Amber stops rustling through the counters to turn and point an accusatory finger at him. “Don’t do something stupid like last summer, TJ. That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.”

“Mom is being _unreasonable_ , just like last time! Could you just butt out for once?”

Amber glares at him before yanking a box of cereal out of the cabinet and stomping upstairs to her room. TJ emits a deep, frustrated sigh, gripping onto the table until his knuckles go white. He refuses to stay locked up in this house the entire summer, no matter what his mom says. Not to mention, Amber is his twin, she’s supposed to have his back, but he feels like he can’t even trust her anymore.

TJ needs to get out of the house. He hastily scrawls out a note saying that he’ll be back later. He hopes he can get back before his mom sees that he left, but he leaves it just in case she goes crazy and calls the police again. Upstairs, he hears god awful pop music blasting from Amber’s speakers. Hopefully, she’ll be too preoccupied as usual to notice he left. TJ grabs his wallet and keys before he slips out the side door.

Instantly, the familiar ocean breeze that he loves picks up. He inhales, trying to calm his nerves. It only takes one more glance back at the house for him to make a final decision. He hops into his Jeep and start driving. He wishes he could drive away from everything sometimes. But, for now, this would have to do.

He heads to one of his favorite beaches in Santa Cruz. Normally, the beach is swarmed with tourists, but right now it remains blissfully empty. The sun has already set when he arrives there, sky fading from dusk to dark. He grabs his basketball out from the back of his car and heads straight for the courts.

Immediately, he positions himself in front of the hoop and practices. He shoots basket after basket, running back and forth to retrieve the ball. He continues this back and forth until he begins to feel a pressure bubbling to the surface. Everything that’s been building up inside him suddenly releases itself in one burst. TJ shouts, throwing the basketball at the hoop as hard as he can. It slams into the backboard before tipping into the net and rolling off the court and into the grass. TJ just stands there, sweat on his face mingling with tears of frustration. By that point, the darkness has completely overtaken everything.

TJ’s phone buzzes, and he swears when he sees the caller ID. It’s Amber, which isn’t as bad as his mom calling, but still not someone he wants to talk to right now. The phone continues ringing, and TJ finally caves for some reason.

“Hello?”

“TJ, I swear to god if you don’t get back here in twenty minutes, I will tell mom,” Amber threatens. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Relax! I’m shooting some hoops,” He pauses. “I just needed to be alone for a bit.”

Amber sucks in a deep breath, as if she’s about to yell at him. Then, to TJ’s surprise, she simply lets it out though a long sigh. “Okay, fine. Just hurry up or else mom will be pissed.”

She ends the call, and TJ is once again left alone. He figures he better get back soon or else he might face the consequences of both his mom and his sister being furious at him on the first day of summer break.

Before leaving, he glances up at the moon and stars, tracing out the constellations in his head. He breathes in and out with closed eyes, sweat on his face starting to go cold from the wind. Only ninety-eight days to go.

…

When TJ arrives back home, Amber is stretched out across the couch, typing something on her phone. She looks up as the door closes, and her expression instantly changes to exasperation.

“TJ,” She begins, pushing herself to her feet, “I really think we need to talk.”

“Is mom home?” TJ interrupts as he scans the living room.

Amber shakes her head, “No, she’s still at work. But TJ—”

TJ stalks into the kitchen and takes the note off the counter, crumpling it into a ball and tossing it in the garbage. Amber follows behind him, and TJ does his best to ignore her as she continues to talk hesitantly.

“I know things have been hard recently,” Amber continues, as if TJ has been listening. “They’ve been hard for me, too.”

At this, TJ can’t help but chime in. “Bullshit. You don’t understand what it’s been like for me! I’m tired of having this conversation with you Amber because, honestly, it’s none of your business.”

“I’m your twin sister! I just want to help!”

“I don’t want your help.”

With that, TJ scurries into his room and locks the door shut behind him. After a quick shower, he changes into pajama bottoms and slides into his bed. Insomnia has become a common occurrence, though, so he is not surprised when sleep refuses to come. Night time is the worst time because TJ must lie in bed pretending like he’s going to fall asleep. What really happens is that the memories and insecurities play on vivid repeat. It’s a never-ending loop.

After about two hours of lying there, his phone buzzes. TJ reaches for it, squinting from the harsh, blue light. It’s one of his basket-ball friends from school asking to hangout the next day. TJ remembers his mother’s warnings, but ends up disregarding them as he types back:

_i’ll be there_

 

* * *

 

_Santa Cruz, California_

The thrum of his heartbeat if the first thing that rushes back into his awareness. It beats so intensely that it seems it's about to burst. Next, he senses the bumpy, rough surface grating against his hands and knees. He presses in harder to ground himself to reality. He can hear himself wheezing breathlessly.

Finally, he’s able to force his eyes open. Everything is blurry and warped at first. At that moment, he realizes his head is throbbing painfully. He’s overcome by overwhelming dizziness and squeezes his eyes shut again, trying to get it under control. Once it’s somewhat manageable, he opens them. This time, the world isn’t spinning quite as much.

In order to find some sense of bearing, he starts to list off what he knows:

One: He’s in an alleyway. His knees hurt from digging into the gravel. He’s not sure where exactly he is, but he can’t hear the waves crashing anymore.

Two: There’s no one around. The city has never been so silent and calm before.

Three: The stars are shining bright. They're fixed points. Wherever he is in the world, at least he always knows he's surrounded by stars to lead him home.

As he stumbles up into a standing position, gripping onto a building’s wall to keep himself from tipping over. Fear rises inside him as he tries to comprehend what’s happening. The memories start bursting forth overwhelmingly. He gasps, gripping the sides of his head. His mind is a broken record.

_He’s in an alleyway._

Blood trickles from his nose. He shakily wipes it away with the end of his shirt.

_There’s no one around._

A gut-wrenching sob forces its way out of his throat.  

_The stars are shining bright._


	2. haunted by humans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the playlist that goes along with the story: https://open.spotify.com/user/o9d0grwzvjk1go3b6cz36yux9/playlist/4ToyEXRbSrup3eqpEMJACp?si=JJ8LrEW_QzW_c6jQYnbFhw

_June 5, 2019: Santa Cruz, California_

Cyrus despises the beach. The sand burns his feet and clings to everything. After going to the beach once, he found sand inside the unopened pocket of his bag. The sand isn’t the only thing that bothers him, though. He’s also terrified of the ocean. With oceans come sharks and crabs and fish, none of which he ever wants to encounter. Not to mention, the waves are too powerful that the first time he went out in the water, one knocked him down when his back was turned. This resulted in scrapes on his knees and saltwater going up his nose. Cyrus was not impressed.

Yesterday’s day on the beach was a terrible start to his vacation, so he hoped that the next day would be better. Unfortunately, his parents decided to spend the day at the beach by their hotel _again._ Apparently going to the beach is the only thing to do in Santa Cruz. Today, though, the crowds of people have picked up even more for some reason. People pack together on the beach right beside each other. Hardly any spots remain. The influx of people only serves to make Cyrus more anxious than before.  

“Are you not going swimming, Cy?” His mother asks, noticing his lack of swim trunks.

Cyrus shrugs, “Not in the mood today.”

“Well, you can’t just sit in the hotel room! At least come down and sit by the water.”

Knowing better than to argue, Cyrus pulls on a pair of flip flops and packs a bag. He grabs his phone, sunscreen, and a book to read. Finally, he slips on a pair of sunglasses and follows his family back to the beach again.

His family sets up the only spot they can find which is directly in the middle of all the chaos. Cyrus lays out a towel and immediately sits down, arms wrapped around his legs. He tries not to spray sand everywhere like yesterday, but pieces have already spread across the towel. His parents are going swimming, and while he doesn’t want to swim, he also doesn’t want to be alone. In the end, he decides to just stay on the towel away from the water and other people as best as he can. He hopes that everyone will just ignore him, but in the back of his mind he feels as if everyone is secretly watching and judging as he opens his book.

Reading on a beach seems to be more difficult than Cyrus anticipated. First, a symphony of noises erupts around him; kids screeching, dogs barking, waves crashing ashore. Aside from that, the heat makes it impossible to concentrate for more than a few minutes. He wasn’t made for warm temperatures. Then, people constantly race past him, kicking up sand and flicking water on him.

Finally, he reads past the flesh of the book and dives into the deep, riveting plot. Of course, just as the narrative starts to intensify, a toddler comes sprinting by, shrieking as he goes. It causes Cyrus to jolt, dropping the book face down in the sand. He groans, bringing a hand up to rub at his temple. Hopefully his parents won’t be back for a while. He needs a break.

Cyrus grabs his book from the sand and walks up toward the paved area. Although numerous people are walking about or playing basket-ball, it’s much more peaceful. He collapses on a bench and attempts to dust his book off, a pile of sand falling by his feet.

“Not a beach person?” A voice pipes up from his side.

A boy around his age now stands beside the bench, arms folded. He hovers tall above Cyrus’s curled up form, head blocking the rays of the sun. Normally, Cyrus would never interact with a stranger like this. He preferred quiet solitude or time with his friends; however, summer vacation feels extremely lonely and bored.  

Cyrus sighs, dropping his book on his lap in defeat. “Is it that easy to tell?”

The other boy shrugs. “I’m just a professional when it comes to all things tourist related.”

“And that includes knowing what’s going on in my head?” _Because trust me, you don’t know the half of it._

“Nah, you just have an easy to read face. You’re obviously a tourist though, or else you’d be used to the beach.”

Cyrus squints up at him, “You’re right. I hate the beach.”

“If you hate the beach so much, why are you here?” He mocks.

For some reason, Cyrus feels himself bubbling up with frustration. He’s not the type to get angry or shout, but he does snap slightly at him. “Why are you here? Don’t you have something better to do?”

There’s a moment of silence where Cyrus realizes exactly what he said. Before he can take it back, though, the other boy scowls at him.

“Yeah, actually, I was just waiting for the right time to tell you that you’re sitting on my stuff!” He motions.

Sure enough, Cyrus looks down and sees a bag right beside him and another under his feet. His eyes flash up to the other boy, who seems even more intimidating than before. His sunglasses completely obscure his eyes, making his expression unreadable. He seems even taller than before, although that may just be because Cyrus is shrinking in on himself.

“Sorry,” Cyrus mutters, scooting off the bench as fast as he can.

He maneuvers past the other boy before he can say or do anything else. Cyrus is honestly worried that he might get punched. He hurries back toward the beach, ready to put up with it if he can get away. It’s only when he makes it back to their spot that he realizes in his haste that he must have left his favorite book. Not only that, but his parents immediately crowd him when he returns, worried that he had gotten kidnapped in the fifteen minutes he was gone. His parents drag him back to the hotel room soon after he returns to berate him for running off.

Staying in the hotel room is what he wanted all along. While he sits there on his pull-out bed alone, he expects it to be relaxing because he doesn’t have to suffer down at the beach. He soon realizes that the heavy weight on his chest has only increased since being back inside. The feeling of loneliness crashes over him instantaneously, so strong that it forces him to recede into himself. He looks again at the group chat, his message from yesterday remaining unanswered. Logically, he knows that they are just busy doing something, but the thought of this happening for the remainder of summer makes his heart lurch.

The rest of the afternoon, he is still stuck inside for punishment. Now, he would gladly take the beach over wallowing with nothing but his thoughts for another second. Distractions didn’t even work. Social media just made him more depressed, and the television consisted mostly of soap operas. When it’s time for dinner, Cyrus is elated to get out of the hotel room. Much to his dismay, though, his parents just order pizza and they eat inside.

“If you promise to be more responsible, we can go back to the beach tomorrow Cy,” His step-father says.

Cyrus nods enthusiastically. “I promise.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be back to having fun in no time!”

The pizza in his mouth tastes stale and dry. He numbly keeps eating until his stomach feels full. At that point, he retreats to his pull-out bed and pretends to watch the tv for the next two hours. In all actuality, he’s just succumbing to his homesickness again.

* * *

 

_June 5, 2019: Santa Cruz, California_

TJ watches as the dark-haired boy scurries off back toward the beach. A flash a of guilt rushes through him, but he pushes it back down. Releasing a breath, TJ goes to collect his bags when he spots a book face open on the ground. He leans over and picks it up, glancing at the cover. The book is well loved, with penciled in notes all along the margins and fingerprint smudges from where the pages have been turned over and over. Curious, TJ glances at the cover: _The Book Thief_. He immediately recognizes it from his freshman year of high school when they had to read it for English class. Of course, TJ was busy focusing on more important things, like friends and basketball.

The book must have belonged to the boy on the bench. Normally, TJ would pay no mind to something like that; he would leave it there for someone to take. For some reason, though, he finds himself snatching up the book and stuffing it into one of his bags for safe keeping before he returns it.

It’s just his luck that bench boy is nowhere to be found. TJ sticks around, partially to return to lost book but mostly because he doesn’t want to be at home. He taps his fingers against his legs as he meanders around, still jittery from last night.

TJ has been sneaking out almost every night since the beginning of summer. The pressure building in his gut was insurmountable, and he felt as if he had no other choice but to leave. Meeting with his friends at night made him feel more normal, if only for a few hours. Despite the risk factor associated with sneaking out through his window at night, to TJ it’s worth it to feel like himself again.

His phone rings. “Hello?”

“Hey sweetheart, are you almost back from the store? I need to get going on dinner?” TJ’s mother asks, voice strained.

TJ takes one more glance around the beach, eyes searching for the boy once last time. He’s nowhere to be found. TJ supposes it’s for the best. After all, he was extremely annoying.

Finally, TJ responds, “Yup, just getting back in the car now. Be home soon.”

After hanging up, he lets out a large sigh, carrying his bags to his car and loading them in. He starts the car and puts in into reverse, but finds himself hesitate to remove his foot from the break. For a moment, he wonders what would happen if he just drove off? What if he turned the opposite direction from home and kept going until he couldn’t anymore? His grip on the steering wheel tightens, foot slowly releasing the break.

In the end, he backs out of his parking spot and turns on the familiar road toward home.

…

_June 6, 2019: Santa Cruz, California_

It’s another late night. TJ finds himself stumbling back through his bedroom window around three in the morning, heart pounding wildly. He quietly pulls the window closed, wincing as it squeaks. Once it finally closes, he breathes out a sigh of relief and flops down onto his bed. The middle of the night has become TJ’s new solitude; a place on the edge of reality, where he can finally feel free of his constraints. He leans back on his beds, closing his eyes as he curls his legs up to sleep. That’s when he feels his leg knock against his backpack that he forgot he placed there.

It crashes to the floor, causing TJ to bolt up in surprise and fear of being caught. He freezes, calming his breaths and once more racing heart. He waits a minute or so before deciding no one heard the noise before moving to put his backpack somewhere out of the way. When he goes to move it, he does not notice the unzipped pocket. The contents come spewing out, this time much quieter, at least. Candy wrappers and cigarettes tumble out, along with a few stray pieces of paper. TJ spots the book from earlier, as well, still half way stuck inside the bag.

He pulls it out and dusts a few stray sand crumbs from the pages. TJ’s eyes dart around his room, as if someone is spying on him. Only then does he thumb open the book to the first page, silently mouthing the words as he reads.

Page after page, he flips through them like nothing. It’s been years since TJ truly read. The act almost feels sinful, as if he were Liesel, hiding out and learning to read for the first time. He’s still on the floor amongst the rubbish from his bag when he finishes the novel. At that point, TJ’s legs have gone numb and his eyes bloodshot.

_“I am haunted by humans.”_

It’s the final sentence, the last stretch of dark words before the page goes blank. TJ drops the book on the floor, eyes burning from sleepiness and overwhelming emotion.

Sunlight filters into his room from the slits between blinds. He rubs at his wet face, tears tainting his fingertips. He had no idea that he read for so long. Time seemed to come to a stop when he read, blurring the lines between the story’s reality and his own.

It’s too late in the morning to go to sleep, but it would not be the first time TJ stayed up all night. He stretches and stands up, breaking the trance state he was in before. At that point, he makes the decision that he should just leave the book back where he found it and hope the boy goes back for it. If TJ keeps it for any longer, he won’t be able to function like he’s supposed to.

TJ gets up to use the bathroom and sees what a mess he is. Ruffled, greasy hair, strained eyes, blotchy skin. He hops in the shower and gets dressed. Afterwards, he slips the book into his bag and tramples down the stairs. He grabs a granola bar from the kitchen, chomping noisily on it as he reaches for his car keys.

“Where do you think you’re going?” TJ’s mom pipes up from behind him.

TJ stops. “Oh, uh, I was thinking of going to the beach today? I haven’t been in a while.”

“Honey, you know you’re not supposed to leave without my permission.”

“I know, I just forgot,” TJ murmurs, twiddling with his keys.

“I promise we’ll find time to go to the beach sometime soon, as a family,” She says, gently taking the keys from him. “You know why I have to do this, TJ.”

“Yeah, you don’t trust me! You think I’m a screwup.” He lashes out, silent rage exploding at once. A bitter taste sticks to his tongue when he final admits it out loud.

Stunned, his mom stutters back, “TJ, I—”

“Don’t waste your breath. I already know it’s true.”

He stomps back to his room, chucking his backpack angrily into the wall. It hits the wall with a strong bang, before dropping with a soft thud to the carpeted floor. TJ slides down beside it, unzipping it to reveal the book he spent all night reading. He opens it back up, reading over the penciled notes in the margins which he neglected to read before. The scribbled notes are difficult to read, but TJ can just make them out.

Based on this boy’s writing, it is obvious how much enthralled he is. Most of the notes are just comments on parts of the text, but every so often there will be small doodles in the corners which make TJ smile slightly as he runs his finger beside them. TJ wishes he could feel so passionately about something. Instead, his thoughts are sealed tightly behind closed doors that he can’t find the key for, and maybe he doesn’t want to.  

He peers out his bedroom window longingly.

Until tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I've been really busy recently with school. Also, I know that the chapter isn't that long, but it made more sense to stop it here than continue on. Next chapter will be up sooner I think!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Hope you are all surviving the hiatus (I'm not)


	3. lost at sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the playlist that goes along with the story: https://open.spotify.com/user/o9d0grwzvjk1go3b6cz36yux9/playlist/4ToyEXRbSrup3eqpEMJACp?si=JJ8LrEW_QzW_c6jQYnbFhw

_June 9, 2019: Santa Cruz, California_

Cyrus can’t sleep.

For most people, the gentle crashing of waves would lull them to sleep, but for him every crash reminds him of how far away home is.

The first few days of the summer have seemed to stretch on longer than junior year. At least junior year he had his friends. Now, his insecurities have started nibbling away at him bit by bit, causing him to stay up at night running different scenarios through his mind. What if his friends forgot about him? How would things change once he got back?

Cyrus continues to try and calm himself, pressing back at his anxious thoughts with more rational ones. They’re his best friends, and one summer wouldn’t change that. The three of them had been through so much together. Still, Cyrus can’t prevent that creeping feeling no matter how hard he tries.

After that first fiasco on the beach when his parents didn’t know where he went, they have all been keeping a close eye on him. With four psychologists constantly analyzing him twice as much as normal, Cyrus’s stress is monumental. This feels less like a vacation and more like an extended therapy session. Within the last couple of days, his parents have all asked him how he is feeling multiple times as well as tried to decipher his poor mood. If they had just bothered to ask him in the first place, they would know how lonely and suffocated he feels at the same time.

The thoughts racing through his mind won’t let up anytime soon, so Cyrus climbs off his bed and pads toward the sink to get a cup of water. As he listens to the cup fill, he gazes out the window at the black water. The beach at night appears so much different compared to day time. Out there right now, the moon shines vibrantly, projecting itself against the waves. The water seems to merge with the sand and sky, all one dark entity. The only thing distinguishing the three separate parts are the gleaming stars and the sound of the white water crashing at the shoreline.

Cyrus is in such a daze that he doesn’t realize his cup is overflowing over his hand. He finally snaps out of it, dumping the excess water back into the sink and drying his hand before he takes a few sips. He glances back toward the beach again. For some reason, it seems much more appealing at night. Although it seems more ominous, it also seems like an escape.

Before he can fully comprehend his actions, Cyrus slips on a pair of sandals and tiptoes to the door leading out to the beach. Right before opening it, he hesitates. This isn’t him; he isn’t some rulebreaker who constantly sneaks out and gets in trouble with his parents. Then again, he doesn’t belong in Santa Cruz, anyway. He’s only himself back in Shadyside. With that, Cyrus slowly opens the door and slips out.

Immediately, he’s hit with the crisp ocean breeze and squawking of miscellaneous birds. Cyrus heads down the steps to the sand that he despises so much. At this point, he decides to ditch his sandals and squish his feet into it. The sand at night is chilly and grainy, yet not as unpleasant as it is with the sun igniting it and kids splaying it into his eyes. Cyrus walks a few feet, just close enough to the ocean to see the waves roll but far enough that the water won’t come close. At that point, he doesn’t care what the sand does to his clothes, and he plops down.

He’s deep in thought, mind wandering aimlessly as he gazes out at the endless ocean. In fact, he’s so caught up in thought that he barely catches the sound of the stairs behind him creaking with weight. Cyrus freezes, wrapping his arms around his knees tighter as if to make himself appear insignificant and invisible. The soft sound of shifting sand gets nearer, and Cyrus tenses up further. He starts to sincerely regret his decision to come out here, hoping that if he dies tonight his parents won’t get too angry at him for his disobedience.

“I thought we were meeting in the parking lot?” A male voice questions, a bitter tone rolling off his tongue. “Why the hell are you just sitting there?”

Cyrus jolts at the demanding tone, turning and peeking at the shaded figure behind him, hoping it won’t be the last image he sees.

“Wait—bench boy?” He frowns as Cyrus meets the familiar boy’s eyes. Cyrus timidly stands up to get a better look. Although he only vaguely can remember the appearance of that boy he met a few days earlier, he immediately recognizes him as his face is illuminated by the moon.

“How—” Cyrus begins, stuttering. “Are you stalking me?”

The blonde’s face twists up in confusion. “What, no! Do you think I’m some major creep or something?”

“I mean, it is like three in the morning, and we’re the only ones out here.”

“I was just meeting up with some friends, but apparently they didn’t show. Are you always this judgy?”

The two boys stand facing each other, neither of them sure what to say next. It’s as if they are engaged in a silent stand-off.

“I’m sorry for what I said at the beach,” Cyrus finally shrugs. “I don’t even know you. I was just taking my anger out on something.”

“Why were you angry?” He asks.

Cyrus normally wouldn’t ever talk to a stranger, let alone tell them personal information about himself. However, Cyrus has been constantly on edge for the last few days, and he could use someone impartial to vent to. He isn’t sure if it’s the constant stress or the loneliness or both, but his mouth moves without him realizing it.

“Cause my parents forced me here on a stupid summer long vacation with them. My friends are all back at home together, and this might have been the last summer we all could have spent together,” Cyrus sighs, digging his feet into the sand.

“Sounds rough. At least you have your parents though, right?”

Cyrus chuckles bitterly, biting his cheek. “I mean, I love my parents, but I have four of them, and they’re all psychologists, so spending this much time with them is overbearing.”

The boy nods in understanding, “I get that. My mom is the most protective, restricting person I’ve ever met. She drives me crazy most of the time. That’s why I’m out here, y’know? To get away from it all.”

“I know the feeling.”

The wind starts to feel colder and colder by the minute as it whips across Cyrus’s bare arms. He shivers slightly. If the other boy notices his discomfort, he doesn’t mention it.

“I thought you hated the beach,” The boy mentions. “Why are you down here now?”

Cyrus shrugs. “I don’t know, because it’s better than in there? And at night, it just feels different. It scared me at first, but now it kind of just seems lonely, like me.”

When the other boy doesn’t respond, Cyrus backtracks. “I’m sorry, that sounded super lame and self-pitying and—”

“Do you want to get out of here?”

Out off all the things Cyrus expected him to respond with, that was not one of them. “What?”

“Do you want to get out of here for a bit?” The boy reiterates.

“That’s ridiculous! I can’t just disappear in the middle of the night. My parents would go _ballistic_.”

“It just seemed like you needed it, to get away for a bit. I mean, it helps me?”

Cyrus bites his lip, fingers tapping rapidly against his shorts. “Where would we go?” The minute he says it, he feels like taking it back.

The boy smirks, “I have a place in mind. It’s not too far from here. You’ll be back before your parents even know it.”

“My parents always warned me about stranger danger.”

The other boy chuckles deeply. “My name is TJ.”

“Cyrus.”

“Okay, so now that we’re properly introduced, what do you say?”

Cyrus thinks about how all of this is stupid and reckless, exactly how teenagers are expected to act. He prides himself on not giving into this stereotype, but since he’s been here, he wonders what it feels like to get out of his comfort zone. Andi and Buffy never pushed him too far, but maybe Cyrus needs it. After all, what time was better than now, when he would never see or think about this place once he returned? And certainly, he’d never have to worry about TJ who would probably never see him again.

“I’m in."

 

* * *

 

TJ never thought he’d see bench-boy again, let alone have him sitting in the front seat of his Jeep. A bunch of emotions run though him all at once as he drives. First, he wonders why he invited Cyrus in the first place. Maybe he felt bad for him or thought Cyrus reminded him of himself. Either way, TJ came to a realization: Cyrus doesn’t know him. Cyrus doesn’t know his shitty past, and he doesn’t have to know. TJ can start over. And maybe that was the largest appeal of inviting him along.

“Where are we going exactly?” Cyrus stammers from beside him. TJ can feel the nerves radiating through his voice.

“One of my favorite spots to vent at,” TJ responds coolly.

“Oh, okay. Great. Fun.”

Despite their limited interactions, TJ can tell Cyrus wears his heart on his sleeve. TJ on the other hand is the complete opposite, so meeting someone so in touch with their feelings unnerves him. TJ sneaks a quick glance over at Cyrus, who is too occupied with nerves to meet his eyes. It’s obvious how out of place he feels.

Soft, alternative music plays through the speakers as they drive. TJ hums along under his breath, forgetting for a moment that there’s someone else in the car next to him. He catches Cyrus staring at him, and immediately quiets.

“Sorry,” TJ mutters, embarrassed.

“No, it’s fine!” Cyrus blurts out. “I was just surprised. I guess I forgot for a bit that we’re still practically strangers to each other.”

By that point, they’re almost there. TJ parks his jeep in a clearing, urging Cyrus to hop out. TJ leads Cyrus into a thick patch of trees, darkness making it nearly impossible to navigate. Luckily, TJ knows his way around that area like the back of his hand, and he skillfully maneuvers around all of the obstacles. Cyrus trails behind him cautiously.

Finally, they make their way out of the grove of trees. TJ hears the rushing of the ocean once more. From beside him, Cyrus gasps.

“Woah! This is insane.”

The two of them stand near the edge of a rocky drop off. Waves pummel the sides of the cliff, roaring loudly as they hit and bubbling back down until the next wave comes. The stars seem endless, which is one of the main reasons TJ loves this spot. They’re high enough that the clouds usually aren’t an obstacle, and all you can see for miles are hundreds of twinkling stars.

“You aren’t going to push me off, are you?” Cyrus stammers. “I mean, I still don’t know for sure if you’re a murderer or not. Would you maybe…”

TJ raises an eyebrow, prompting him to continue. “Would I what?”

“I just…would you mind if I asked you a few questions? It would make me feel more comfortable.”

TJ hesitates at first, not wanting to divulge any information that’s too personal. If he can’t even trust himself, how can he trust a stranger? In the end, though, probably against his better judgement, he decides that he will. Anyways, he doesn’t have to answer anything too personal.

“Alright, fine,” TJ agrees, folding himself down onto the grass below. Cyrus follows suit, seemingly deep in thought about the questions he wants to ask.

Of course, TJ fears the worst. What if he asked something that TJ couldn’t avoid answering? Something that would show him and the rest of the world what TJ was like? TJ can barely stand being himself, and he knew everyone else would hate it, too.

Finally, Cyrus decides on a question. “What’s your favorite color?”

TJ can’t help but chuckle at the seriousness of his tone. “That’s the question you want to ask to be sure I’m not a murderer?”

“Hey, your favorite color is very telling of your personality!”

“Okay, okay. My favorite color is blue, I guess. What’s yours?”

“Green,” He responds confidently. “Can I ask you something else? You don’t have to answer if it’s more personal.”

Oh, great. “I mean…alright.”

“You said you come here to vent. What do you come here to vent about?”

TJ sighs, closing his eyes and smelling the saltwater as it splashes up toward the rocky cliffs. “I’ve got stuff. A lot. Being up here just makes me feel like for one second, I don’t have to worry about anything.”

Cyrus nods. “I have a place like that back in my hometown of Shadyside.” A pause. “I’ve got stuff, too.”

TJ tilts his head in acknowledgement, and that’s all they need. The two of them just sit there for a while in silence, blissfully ignorant of their problems, wishing for them all to wash out to sea.

 

 


	4. expectations

 

_June 10, 2019: Santa Cruz, California_

Cyrus waits patiently the next night on the beach. As he sits there, fingers fiddling in the sand, he wonders whether last night was a dream. Even though it only happened twenty-four hours ago, it feels like a lifetime away. Still, Cyrus finds himself waiting for TJ to come back and have another adventure with him. He waits for hours.

No one comes.

What did he expect? Last night was simply a huge coincidence, extremely unlikely to happen again. Surely, TJ was off with his friends again tonight not even thinking about their previous encounter. They both live two separate lives; their paths were never meant to collide. Cyrus knows this, yet he can’t help but feel selfish about wanting TJ to just sit beside him again to make it less lonely. At this point, Cyrus will take any human interaction other than his parents.

Tonight is especially bad. Cyrus scrolled through social media earlier that day to see pictures of his friends laughing and having fun at an amusement park. This isn’t the first set of photos that has made envy bubble up in Cyrus, either. Yes, he’s happy that his friends are having an amazing summer because they really deserve it after the stressful past few years they have had; however, it’s almost as if they’ve forgotten about him. Is he the expendable friend? The one who could be there or gone but no one would care?

Suddenly, Cyrus feels small and insignificant. The infinite seas and stars only solidify his stance. His eyes burn and tears start building up until he can’t hold them in any longer. A sob breaks through his lips, and he buries his face in his knees to conceal it. Now, he’s thankful TJ is not there. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this.

 

* * *

 

TJ goes back to his routine the next night. Only a slight amount of hesitation comes over him as he passes by the beach from last night. He gently slows the car down as if to stop, but soon bites his lip and presses forward without another glance.

The person he was last night was someone he has never seen before. He acted so unlike normal that night, and he isn’t sure why. No matter the reason, TJ decides he doesn’t want to feel like that again, so unsure of who he really is. He knows who he is and what he’ll become.

As he drives, TJ takes out a cigarette from his bag and lights it. He inhales deeply before exhaling through his nose, watching two streams of smoke twist in front of him. TJ rolls down the window as he continues his smoking, one hand on the steering wheel and the other hanging out of his window. The drag of the cigarette is so familiar and comforting, yet it also brings him back to a night not so unlike this one.

 

_“TJ, smoking can kill you,” Amber begs. “Please, you need to stop before you get addicted.”_

_TJ rolls his eyes, taking one last drag before snubbing the cigarette out and tossing it in the trash. Amber sighs, taking a seat beside him. At first, TJ flinches away, but soon Amber wraps her arm around him and pulls him in close. The tenseness of his shoulders eases, and he leans into her touch._

_Amber whispers to him, “Try to quit, for me? I can’t stand to see you like this.”_

_He hears a strain to her voice that he’s never heard before, causing him to pause in his rebuttal. Glancing over, he sees his sister for the first time in a long time. Exhausted: dark circles building under her eyes more and more with each day and a slouch in her posture. Hopeless: energy fading away with each word she says, dying out like a flame as it reaches the end of its wick. Sad: starting off into the distance, eyes swollen and empty._

_“Okay,” He promises in a murmur. “I’ll try.”_

_Amber leans in closer, resting her head on his shoulder. “Thank you.”_

_The two of them sit under the stars against one another. The cold cement digs uncomfortably into both, yet neither of them seem to notice. TJ feels cared for more than he has most of his life. And after they finally part to their rooms, TJ immediately collects all his cigarettes and crushes them to pieces._

TJ remembers that night vividly, and for a split second he gets overwhelmed with a sense of guilt. But then, after taking a shuddering breath in, he reminds himself how long ago that was. Things are completely different now.

He brings the cigarette back up to his lips and drives on.

Reaching the new meet up spot, TJ parks his car and hops out. Immediately, he spots two familiar outlines lounging on a bench. TJ heads up to them, ready for a confrontation.

“What the hell?!” TJ calls out.

The noise is just loud enough that it startles them. Seeing who approaches, they stand up from the bench and meet TJ half way.

“Oh my god, Kippen, you want to give me a heart attack?” Reed asks, hand over his chest.

“Where were you last night? You just bailed on me with no warning!”

Lester steps in. “Chill, bro. Plans just changed, but everything is back on track now. You’re still in, right? We need you.”

TJ runs a hand through his hair. Lester and Reed stare at him impatiently, and TJ is tempted to just leave them hanging like they did to him the previous night. Even if they are annoying, they are his friends, though, so he doesn’t have much of a choice.

“Yeah, whatever. Let’s just get going. The night isn’t getting any younger,” TJ groans, motioning to his car.

Reed and Lester grin at him, momentarily fighting over the front seat before clambering into his Jeep. Of course, they both snag some cigarettes from TJ, and soon smoke engulfs the interior of the car despite the cranked down windows. Reed blasts the radio to some punk metal song while they joke around with each other.

TJ eventually joins as well, but something seems different. Everything that comes out of his mouth, all his emotions and thoughts, are repetitive and almost automatic. Meanwhile, on the inside, he’s numb to his surroundings. As one part of him converses and jokes around like normal, the other part silently stares at the endless road in front of them.

This is just how it is.

…

By the time TJ crawls back into bed, the sun has already risen. Exhausted, he tries his best to fall asleep, but he’s too antsy. He flips around for an hour or so, kicking at his blankets in frustration and burying his head deeper into his pillow. Eventually, he gets too frustrated and stumbles back out of bed to take a cold shower.

The shower wakes him up just enough to make it downstairs for breakfast. By now, his mother would normally be at work and Amber would be with friends, but TJ realizes he is severely mistaken when he slides into the kitchen.

Amber and their mom sit chatting at the table quietly. TJ’s heart pounds, limbs shaking. Did they find out? He wants to run, but his body freezes in place. Before he can do anything else, his mother notices the addition to the room and half-smiles at him.

“Good morning, Tyler James,” She greets.

TJ ignores her using his real name for a second to sputter out, “Shouldn’t you be at work?” The bitter words roll off his tongue easily from the practice, but for once she doesn’t seem to be phased.

“I took today off. I thought we could finally have some family time and go to the beach. After all, you’re probably sick of being stuck inside all of the time.”

TJ holds back a scoff. If only she knew how often he sneaks out. “I don’t know, I kind of like being inside.”

“As if,” Amber pipes up from her spots, not faltering under TJ’s intense glaring. “You’ve got to miss the beach! We can get ice cream, like we used to?”

The phrase brings back memory after memory that TJ tends to block out. He knows that Amber is guilt tripping him, even before her sly smirk. Rolling his eyes, he finally nods in agreement, knowing that there will probably be no way to get out of this now.

He expects the awkwardness that occurs during the beach outing; he expects the arguing; he even expects the crying.

What TJ should have realized is to expect the unexpected.

 

* * *

 

“Cy, honey, try to hurry up! We need to get to the beach early if we want a good spot,” His step mother calls out.

Cyrus rubs at his weary eyes, tripping over his feet as he gathers all his things into the bag. His hours of sleep have gotten fewer and fewer since they arrived, and now they’re practically nonexistent. Now, the tiredness has started to catch up to him, making Cyrus want to do nothing besides lay in bed all day.

Of course, his parents force him to go to the beach again. This beach is different from the others, though. A large boardwalk spans along the beachside, filled with rides and restaurants and worst of all, _tons of people_. Although Cyrus knew beforehand how crowded this beach would be, it’s even worse being there in person.

After a relatively peaceful drive, Cyrus’s world erupts into colors and chaos the instant they step out of the car: the screeching of kids on the rollercoaster, the putrid stench of grease, sweat, and salt all mingling together, people bumping into you every few steps. Cyrus would give anything to be back at the other beach right now. Unfortunately, this is how he must spend the remainder of his day.

Before his parents force him to stop texting, Cyrus desperately types out a plea to the group chat to save him from the beach. Three dots pop up, the most activity from them that there has been in days. He taps the back of his phone anxiously, waiting for the response, but before he gets one his phone gets snatched out of his hands and turned off.

“We talked about this, Cyrus, no phones while we’re having family time,” His father scolds.

Cyrus slumps, mood worsened even further. Combined with the overwhelming stimuli flooding his senses, a headache begins to form, throbbing with each step he takes. The beaming sun only furthers the pain. For the first time in a while, he’s tempted to jump into the water if only to drown everything out for a few seconds.

Despite his parents urges, he vehemently refuses to go into the water. His pulsing headache won’t be helped by saltwater splashing in his eyes and the rocky waves. Cyrus can practically hear his parents psychoanalyzing him, yet he can’t bring himself to care at this point. His parents still don’t trust him to stay put there, though, because they plant their spot on the beach right where his parents can all easily spot him from the water. Not just that, but his father decided for some reason to be his babysitter for a bit.

“You don’t have to stay here,” Cyrus mumbles between his teeth. “I promise I won’t go anywhere.”

“That’s not why I’m here,” his father replies. “Can’t I just hang out with my son?”

Cyrus bites his lip, holding back a snarky answer. _You don’t know me. You treat me like one of your patients. This trip makes me feel completely alone._

Instead, Cyrus nods his head in acknowledgement, hoping that will be enough to end the conversation. He pulls out another book he brought which he’s read numerous times. His eyes flit aimlessly over the words while his mind wanders. He wonders what Buffy, Andi, and Jonah are doing right now.

“You’ve been acting strange recently, is there something going on with you?” His dad starts out of nowhere.

Cyrus, expecting these types of questions by now, is barely phased. “No, I just miss my friends.”

“Ah, well, you’ll see them again in no time! Are you sure there isn’t something else bothering you?”

Honestly, Cyrus would love nothing more than to rant about his problems in his life. All his insecurities, anxiety, relationships, he wants nothing more than to get it all out on the table. But the thing about being the son of four therapists isn’t just that you know how to solve other people’s issues, but you’re great at hiding your own.

“That’s it. I’m fine.”

His father doesn’t press the issue, but Cyrus knows for certain the topic won’t be dropped for long. His raging headache has only intensified since arriving at the beach, and now he can barely concentrate on his novel. He presses through, determined to just survive this one day, and the next, and the next…

But then, summer would be over, and even though he would have to return for his senior year of high school, at least he’d be back with his friends. At least he’d be back at home in Shadyside.

The day drags on worse than any before it. If he didn’t have such a terrible headache, Cyrus knows he could have already finished his book by now, maybe even started another one. He doesn’t move from his spot, as promised, other than to get a drink or use the bathroom. He relishes this brief time alone from his overbearing parents, even if they do only allot him ten minutes.

Finally, day turns to night, and Cyrus wants to do nothing more than to sleep soundly in his bed. He drags himself around, hardly able to keep his head up. His mother is the first one to notice his weariness, and decides its nearing time to go home.

The crowds of people have started all leaving at once in a giant horde, and Cyrus is smack in the middle of everything, of course. He shuffles through everyone awkwardly, constantly bumping into other families as he follows his parents to the car. The problem is that it’s so dark, Cyrus can’t see much as he fumbles around as best he can. Before he realizes it, he looks up and his parents are lost in the sea of people. Cyrus isn’t a little kid, so realistically he knows that his parents are just right up ahead, and they would momentarily be reunited.

At least, that’s how it would go if Cyrus wasn’t accidentally shoved off the side of the pier, straight into the murky, black water below.

 

* * *

 

“Could you please stop being an ass for once?” Amber hisses at TJ as they maneuver through the crowds at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

TJ rolls his eyes. “Sorry, it’s not my fault you and mom dragged me for some ‘family bonding’ as if that will make up for everything that happened!”

“Listen TJ, I can’t help you if I don’t know what you’re going through. I’ve told you that time and time again.”

“And I’ve told you time and time again that you don’t understand, you never will, even if I told you everything.”

“Everything? What do you--?” Amber frowns.

“Please just shut up so we can get this stupid day over with.”

TJ walks faster, leaving Amber trailing behind. Maybe he can pretend like nothing is wrong and his mom will believe him. Then she could let him leave the house.

So, the day is spent in relative silence between the three of them. Both Amber and their mom attempt to initiate conversation with him multiple times, only for it to fizz out with TJ’s one-word answers.

He goes swimming only so he can cool off and spend some time under the water, where the noise from the outside world is muffled for a few seconds. Soon, he figures out that he can barely hear or see them over the crashing waves. After that, he never wants to get out.

Eventually, as the sun sets and the sky turns dark, he’s forced to leave. Shivering, TJ reluctantly joins his sister and mom on the beach, where he towels himself dry. The beach still contains many people, but the largest of the crowds have died down considerably. Lights from the rides ignite into bright colors. The salesmen start packing up. It’s almost over.

Of course, the worst is yet to come.

 TJ wishes they forgot about it, but Amber once again mentions ice cream. As they head over there, he brushes forcefully into his sister in retaliation. She doesn’t back down. The three of them go to the ice cream shop that’s always been there. TJ hates her for it. She knows what she’s doing, that’s for sure.

The three of them sit down at a table near the shop to set all their things down at. TJ doesn’t say anything, hoping that they’ll just leave him be. Of course, nothing works out the way he wants it.

It all starts with his mom. “I assume you want cookie dough, TJ?”

It’s such a minute detail, but the memories of this place are so strong that he feels anger burst out of him.

“No!” TJ shouts, gathering the attention of those around them. He settles back down, growling out, “I’ll take mint chip.”

“But don’t you want it to be like it used to be, when—” Amber begins. TJ isn’t sure whether she’s oblivious to the fact that it’s upsetting him for that reason or if she’s just giving payback for his rudeness earlier. Either way, TJ can barely handle it anymore.  

“I swear to god, Amber, can you stop interrogating me for one second? What is this, an intervention.”

TJ notices his mother’s lack of response, watching her stare off into the distance to avoid the conversation. The guilt on both of their faces in evident, albeit Amber hides hers much better. He throws his hands up in frustration.

“So, this wasn’t even about family time?” TJ snaps. “You just wanted to tell me how messed up I am?”

His mom reaches out towards him, but he flinches away. “That’s not it at all, honey. We’re just worried about you more. You’ve been acting different.”

“Why do you think that is?” TJ asks. “Maybe because you keep me as a prisoner in my own home? You think you’re helping me but you’re not, you’re just reminding me that I’m a screwup. If you really wanted to help me, you’d tell the goddamn truth.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Yes you do! You know exactly what I’m talking about. Or maybe you don’t, because you’re too much of a coward to even admit it to yourself.”

The tension in the air is tangible, and Amber quickly tries to mediate the situation. “Come on, let’s get some ice cream. Mint chip for TJ.”

His mom doesn’t say a word. She simply grabs some bills from her wallet and follows Amber. TJ has no doubt in his mind that they’re whispering about him. He’s used to it. That’s when his eyes travel down to the table.

His mom’s wallet and car keys shamelessly sit out in the open. Amber and his mom didn’t seem like they would be back for quite some time. TJ swallows heavily, painfully at what he considers doing. His leg bounces up and down rapidly as he double takes at all the people. The oxygen seems as if its been sucked from the air, causing TJ to take in short, deep breaths. He reaches for the keys and wallet but balks. An internal battle rages within him.

_Amber and your mom are just trying to make your life a living hell. They don’t understand what you’ve been going through. They haven’t even tried to understand. But does that warrant doing something this bad?_

TJ clutches at his head, scraping his fingers against his temples. “I can’t do this, I can’t stay here anymore,” He gasps out softly. “I can’t…”

Before he can wimp out again, TJ lunges for the keys and wallet. Discretely, he walks toward the parking lot in long strides. Constantly, he looks over his shoulder thinking someone is following him. Soon, his paranoia spikes too high, and TJ starts jogging. The car is within sight, and he unlocks, sliding inside. Fumbling, he manages to push the key in the ignition after a few tries. He rolls the windows down to get rid of the hot, stuffy feeling overcoming him. The car blares to life, headlights lighting up the path ahead of him.

He backs out haphazardly, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible, before he feels too much shame. Shifting into drive, he slams on his gas, aimlessly maneuvering through the half empty parking lot. The car swerves around the corner, and an unsettling feeling grows in the pit of his stomach as he thinks about what he’s done.

Just as he’s about to leave the parking lot, leave his life, a figure bolts in front of the car. TJ gasps, stomach leaping into his throat as he slams on the breaks, tires squealing. The car jerks to an abrupt halt, throwing TJ against the back of the seat.

TJ hears nothing over the sound of his own pulse rushing in his ears and harsh breathing.

The figure stands, leaning a hand on the car for support. TJ holds his breath. Then, the person turns toward him, squinting from the glare of the headlights. They lock gazes.

It’s beach boy, bench boy, book boy, _Cyrus_.

Cyrus utters a single word:

“TJ?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a long wait! I've just had so much going on in my life recently. I hope you still enjoyed this long overdue update! loose ends will be tied up in the next chapter!


	5. new beginnings

_June 10: Santa Cruz, California_

Black water rushes into his mouth up through his nose. Voices cackle ominously from above the surface, distorted by the roar of the waves. Everything feels heavy and slow, like he’s encased in a thick layer of mud. He flails, kicking up toward surface before he suffocates. His heartbeat pounds hard in his chest, like an anchor sinking deep to the sea floor.

alone,

alone,

_alone._

Cyrus understands in the back of his mind that there are people directly above the surface. He saw them, he can even make out their muffled voices. But being submerged reminds him of something stupid, something he should have forgotten about ages ago.

_“Just hop in, Cyrus, we’ll follow you.”_

_“Don’t be a wuss, just jump.”_

A shove, much more brutal than the one tonight, but the terror in his chest tonight seems just as significant as before.

Choking on water, he desperately flails his limbs, attempting to bring himself above the waves.

_He cries for help; there’s no one there._

Faster, faster, he strains against the current. Legs and lungs burning, Cyrus finally breaks through the choppy waters, sputtering and wheezing.

Shivering, Cyrus barely manages to pull himself up onto the pier. When he finally succeeds, he rolls onto his side and hacks out as much water as he can. The salt burns his nose. A few people linger near him, concerned but not concerned enough to try and help. He clambers to his feet, embarrassed.

It takes Cyrus a few seconds to remember what was happening before he fell into the water. His parents must be freaking out. If he can get to them in time, maybe they won’t call the police. Ignoring the numbing bite of the wind on his cold, sopping wet body momentarily, he runs toward the direction of the parking lot.

People scatter about, but in general the lot is empty and quiet. Cyrus worries his parents have already headed straight toward the police station. His legs and lungs burn while he sprints, soaking feet sliding around in his shoes. Cyrus squints, trying to make out his car in the distance.

Suddenly, all he can see is a pair of blaring headlights right in front of him. Luckily, Cyrus dodges out of the way of the car just in time, but it doesn’t prevent him from tripping and falling onto his front. The rough texture of the road scraping his elbows and knees is the only injury he sustains; however, the skips in his heart and gasp in his breath don’t cease.

Finally getting over the initial shock, Cyrus clambers up on shaky feet, fingers clinging onto the car hood for support. The headlights continue to blind him, but Cyrus manages to squint past them. The person behind the wheel is someone he never expected to encounter again. He blinks a few times to be sure he’s not hallucinating after his spill.  

“TJ?” He stammers out.  

The other boy’s mouth hangs open slightly, hands death locked on the steering wheel. They enter a staring contest that feels like it lasts ages. With the day that Cyrus just lived through, he can’t take it anymore and goes to walk past the car to find his parents before they murder him. That’s when he truly sees TJ.

Short, fast breaths overtake him, and sweat hangs on his brow. He gnaws on his bottom lip, grip still frozen in place. Cyrus may be imagining it, but he also swears he notices the faint lines of tears streaking down the other boy’s face.

“Are you okay?” Cyrus asks carefully, approaching closer to the open window.

TJ shakes his head, glaring at him. At first, Cyrus worries that TJ is furious at him for digging to deep, but that is not the thought on TJ’s mind.

“Am I okay? I’m the one who nearly ran you over!”

“I’m fine, hardly a scratch on me.” Cyrus puts aside. “But you obviously aren’t.”

TJ’s hands fall into his lap, curling into his legs. “You don’t know me. Just because we spent one night hanging out doesn’t mean you know anything about my life.”

“I know, but I can tell you need someone to not judge you right now, and I don’t think you have that person. Just tell me why you almost ran me over, at least?”

TJ sighs, putting the car in park. “I was in a rush to leave. I wanted to get away like we talked about, you know.”

“Where were you going to go?” Cyrus wonders vaguely, not wanting to pry too much.

“ _Anywhere_ , anywhere but here. As far away from this city as I can get.”

“But you’re scared,” Cyrus realizes. “You’re scared of leaving.”

TJ grimaces, hitting his head against the back of his seat. “I shouldn’t be scared! I’m fucking miserable here! My friends are annoying, my family is ganging up on me when they don’t understand, and I’m alone.”

“I mean, I’m here right now, so you can’t be alone.”

That comment causes TJ to finally crack a smile, albeit small. “That doesn’t count, idiot.”

“Just because you may think you’re alone doesn’t always mean that you are,” Cyrus promises with a reassuring look. If only could take his own advice.

For a moment, TJ simply gazes at him, opening and closing his mouth multiple times as if to speak. Finally, he just begins to get his words out when Cyrus hears familiar voices calling his name in the distance.

“Cyrus! Are you out here?” His mother calls from somewhere nearby.

Both boys get caught in a staring contest, neither sure how to leave things. The wild, frightened countenance upon TJ’s face reminds Cyrus so much of himself that for a second it seems as if he’s staring at his reflection through the car window. As much as Cyrus wishes he could help TJ more, he knows he can’t stay.

Cyrus offers a strained smile, fingers grazing his shoulder gently. “I hope you figure everything out, TJ.”

…

_June 11, 12:02 A.M. : Santa Cruz, California_

_“I hope you figure everything out, TJ.”_

Cyrus’s burning touch lingers on his shoulder. Just as soon as Cyrus appeared, he leaves. Once again, TJ is alone, and now he has even more to think about than before. He knows he won’t be able to go through with this anymore, even if he wanted to. He also knows he can’t go back after what he’s done. He can’t face them.

TJ shakily puts the car in reverse and backs into a parking spot. He pulls his phone out, scrolling until he reaches Amber’s number and beings to type out a message:

_I left all the stuff I took at the car, but I don’t think I’ll be coming back home for a while. Sorry._

Amber starts typing almost instantly, but TJ doesn’t think he can handle to see what she has to say, so he shuts his phone off and pockets it. He slides out of the front seat, placing the keys and wallet on top of the front wheel. As of now, TJ isn’t sure what to do or where to go, but he knows for certain that he can’t hang around to ponder it.

So he walks, and walks, and walks.

He goes the opposite direction of the house, putting as much distance as possible between them. Rocks and twigs dig into the thin material of his flip flops. Because of the late hour, hardly any cars pass by him on the road, but anytime one does TJ’s heart clenches in worry that it may be his mother and sister.

At some point during his walking, TJ zones out completely. His head feels detached from the rest of him, legs instinctually moving at this point. It’s only when a car honks at him that TJ startles out of his daze. In that moment, he notices how far he must have walked. His legs burn and wobble from exertion. His throat aches from dryness. Curiously, TJ wonders how far he’s walked. He pulls out the map on his phone, eyes fluttering from the stark light.

Five miles. He’s walked five miles from the beach. It's been nearly two hours since he started walking, even though it seems like time hasn't passed since he left. 

TJ squints at the map to pinpoint his general location. He vaguely recognizes it, and it takes a moment for it to register in his mind why it sounds so familiar as he continues walking. He’s coming up to _that_ beach. The one he met Cyrus on.

With this realization, he stops in place. Despite his attempts to try and keep walking, to just ignore this like everything else happening in his life, he finds himself turning off the road and heading toward the water.

His hopes to spot Cyrus sitting and waiting on the beach are derailed as he is met with an empty shoreline. Why would he think Cyrus would just be waiting up for him? They hardly know each other. Being near Cyrus is something new, though, something different than his currently shitty life. Unsure of what to do, TJ plops down in the sand, water just barely tickling the edges of his toes which burrow into the sand.

Momentarily, TJ remembers that Cyrus said he’s staying near this beach. He glances behind his shoulder at the array of rooms just above the sand. What would he even say to him? Did he have anything to say? Not to mention, the cool sand and water felt great on his aching legs. Staying would be easier.

But something niggles at the back of TJ’s mind, urging him to get up regardless of his original opposition to the idea. In the end, he isn’t sure exactly what it is that compels him to push himself up in an intent to find Cyrus. He simply feels his body moving, mind lagging.

By the time he reaches the cluster of rooms, he reaches a loss at what to do next. He certainly doesn’t want to spy on anyone on accident. Throwing a pebble at the window would only work if he could figure out which one to throw it at. TJ makes his way past numerous rooms, hoping that by chance he’ll see Cyrus. Of course, he doesn’t get so lucky. In fact, he is about to give up all hope and just call up Reed and Lester when a light flicks on.

Sure, the light could just be some random kid getting up to drink a glass of water, but TJ gets a different feeling from it. After all, Cyrus seems to be an insomniac just like him. Following his gut, TJ heads toward the room with the light on and quickly peeks inside, not wanting to linger just in case he still had the wrong room. However, luck is on his side, as he spots the familiar face that he can’t seem to shake.

Cyrus is not looking his direction, so TJ begins to throw the pebbles near the edge of the sand at what appears to be the kitchen window. The sound of the pebbles hitting the glass isn’t loud enough, though, so TJ picks up a slightly bigger stone and throws it. Unfortunately, this rock is too large, and it bangs so hard into the window that it leaves a crack. Despite that unforeseen circumstance, the noise certainly gets Cyrus’s attention, causing him to jolt back from the counter and turn toward TJ.

“What are you doing here?” Cyrus hisses softly as he tiptoes out from indoors. "Did you follow me?"

"What?! No! I just..."

Cyrus raises his eyebrow, motioning his hand for him to continue speaking.

Nervously, TJ blurts out the first thing that comes into his head. “Why were you soaking wet when I saw you earlier?”

Cyrus blinks slowly, still seemingly processing TJ’s question. He responds slowly and carefully, "I was swimming.”

“But even your clothes were sopping wet.”

Sighing, Cyrus tugs TJ farther away from his room, most likely to stay out of earshot of his parents. “I was accidently pushed off the boardwalk, okay? No big deal.”

As TJ noticed before, Cyrus wears his heart on his sleeve, so his lying skills are atrocious. His eyes wander down toward his feet. His fingers tangle into his shorts. TJ instantly knows there’s more going on than meets the eye.

“There’s more to it, though.”

"Just some of my stuff.”

TJ thinks for a second, compiling what brief things he knows about Cyrus. He hates the beach, he doesn’t seem too adventurous, and he acts nervous about earlier when he fell into the water. He puts it all together.

“Listen, it’s okay if you’re scared of the water,” TJ whispers, “We’ve all got stuff. I could help you get over your fear, if you wanted?”

Cyrus pales at first, but ends up nods in resignation. “I guess so. But I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me?”

“No, I just…I have a lot going on right now, and I guess I took it out on you.”

He frowns. “Why did you really come here tonight, TJ?”

TJ could tell him a lot of different things. He could make up some crazy sob story, filled with drama. He could make Cyrus feel sorry for him. Normally, these would be TJ’s go to ideas, but this situation feels different. He could tell the truth.

But just thinking of revealing the truth to someone else makes his breath shorten and heart quicken. He can’t, not right now. He’s a coward. So, TJ chooses something in between; not a lie, but not a full truth.

 “I just want to get away from everything that’s happening right now,” TJ says, “and I think you might, too.”

“But how? I can’t just leave! My parents nearly sent out a search party tonight and I was only gone for like twenty minutes at most.”

TJ shrugs. “Honestly, I don’t know. We can just see what happens? Do things at night?”

“I need to have a plan for everything. It’s another part of my stuff. I made a bucket list for summer to do with my friends before I found out we were leaving.”

“That’s what we do,” TJ smirks as he comes to the realization. “We’ll go over your bucket list, then at least your summer may be a little less boring.”

Cyrus paces back and forth. “I don’t know…I’m kind of a wimp when it comes to actually completing things. It was more just about the list.”

“Come on, Underdog, you can tell all of your friends all the cool stuff you _actually_ did when you get back!”

“Underdog?” Cyrus asks as he suddenly pauses his pacing, eyebrows furling down in confusion.

He backtracks slightly. “Yeah, because even though you might not be expected to succeed, everyone roots for the underdog. So, you in?”

TJ knows this is needed not only for Cyrus but also for himself. It’s a distraction. You could even call it a fresh start. Cyrus doesn’t know about TJ’s baggage; about all the bad things he’s done. He doesn’t have to worry about that around him. A few months with a clean slate, then they can both go back to their own lives at the end.

Cyrus holds his hand out, and TJ takes it to shake. “I’m in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the super long delay! I will try to update faster now that it's summer :) I have so so much planned for this story so I'm trying to condense it best I can without making it seemed rush. I hope this chapter doesn't seemed too rushed, I just needed to get the plot rolling more. Please kudos/comment if you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!


	6. distress

 

_June 12: Santa Cruz, California_

“This is a short list,” TJ mentions offhandedly.

“Well, I didn’t expect to actually _do_ any of it. Instead of a bucket list, it should have be titled ‘If I was braver, I could do these things but since I’m not, oh well.’”

TJ snorts at him. “I think that title is longer than the list itself.”

Cyrus crosses his arms, trying his best to glare at the other boy, but it doesn’t seem to work. TJ merely smiles cheekily before going back to staring at the bucket-list that Cyrus texted him.

It’s the middle of the night, or you could also call it early in the morning, either way it seems to be the only time Cyrus can meet without being under the scrutinizing rule of all four parents. Although this whole thing is technically about him overcoming his fears, Cyrus also knows it’s more than that for TJ. Being the son of so many psychologists, Cyrus can pick up social and emotional cues better than most people his age. He can tell how haggard TJ appears. Puffy bags underneath his bloodshot eyes, greasy hair, and a sunken face are just some of the signs. In other words, with everything that seems to be going on in TJ’s life, he needed a distraction which is ultimately why Cyrus agreed to TJ’s idea.

“I know what we’ll conquer first,” TJ decides. “It will be a nice transition to help us get going.”

Cyrus gulps. “I don’t know, everything on there is pretty scary.”

“Don’t worry, underdog, I’ll help you.”

Despite TJ’s lack of judgement so far, Cyrus still can’t help but feel insecure. After all, the things on that bucket-list are activities most teenagers have done already or do all the time. TJ himself has probably done everything on it and more before he even reached high school. Cyrus knows how much of a coward he is, but letting an almost stranger know that fact makes him feel as if he could be mocked or laughed at during any given moment.

Pushing his self-doubt aside for a moment, Cyrus asks, “What are we starting with?”

Confidently, TJ points to an item and sticks his phone in his face. Cyrus squints, looking at the item TJ decided on. Of course, all the items on the list terrify him to some degree, but this one in particular has the potential to be extra embarrassing.

“I don’t know…” he trails off nervously. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Come on, I promise I’ll help you out! I’m great at sports.”

Cyrus huffs, “And I’m terrible at them! Last time I went mini _-_ golfing, bad things happened.”

“Wait, come on, now you have to tell me!” TJ grins, nudging at his shoulder. Cyrus groans, burying his face into his hands, face beet red as he remembers the incident.

Knowing TJ won’t back down until he tells him, Cyrus mumbles out, “Ifellin.”

“What?”

“I fell in one of the stupid little ponds, okay?”

TJ laughs, but it doesn’t sound cruel or rude. His laugh is uncontained and breathy, smile gracing his lips. It’s only now that Cyrus realizes this is the first time he’s heard TJ laugh so freely. The kind of laugh that TJ has is contagious, and soon Cyrus starts into a fit of giggles at the situation alongside him.

“Now, after hearing that, we have to do mini golf,” TJ presses after their laughing tapers off.

“How are we supposed to get there?”

TJ begins, “We’ll just take my—” He suddenly stops. “Oh.”

“TJ?”

Cyrus notices his change in demeanor, even if it may be slight. Unsure of what to do, he touches the side of TJ’s arm to try and get his attention. TJ jolts in surprise, causing Cyrus to remove his hand. He watches the other boy with concern, but before he can say anything else, TJ snaps out of whatever seemed to be holding his mind hostage.

“Sorry I just, I forgot that I didn’t have my car anymore,” He chuckles somberly, sitting on the path in front of the beach.

Carefully, Cyrus folds down beside him, legs dangling down the slight drop off. Meanwhile, TJ’s feet fully touch the sandy floor, tracing patterns in the cold sand. Although he doesn’t want to pry like his parents do to him, he also wants to help.

“Have you talked to your family?”

TJ shakes his head. “I couldn’t face them. God, I couldn’t even drive away. I just left the car, texted them to tell them where their stuff was, then walked away.”

Before Cyrus can even begin to formulate what he should say in response, TJ folds his arms and angles his body away, snapping sharply, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

They lapse into an uncomfortable silence, broken only by the whispers from the wind and water.

“Maybe there’s something else we can do on the list?” Cyrus prompts, trying anything to distract TJ again.

The blonde boy sighs, pulling out his phone again and scrolling through the list. “I don’t know, everything on here pretty much requires going somewhere, except the water thing, but I have a feeling you don’t want to face that yet.”

Cyrus nods in agreement, even though TJ isn’t one hundred percent correct about his previous assessment of Cyrus’s fear.

“I don’t know if we’ll be able to…wait a minute. Number three.”

Not remembering the order very well, Cyrus pulls up the list on his own cell phone which he finally got back from his parents when they lost him briefly last night. Briefly, he glances at the texts from his best friends, realizing he forgot to respond. He puts it in his mind to do it later, and opens the bucket-list up.

  1. _Have a dance with danger (but nothing that’s against the law)_



“What are you thinking?” Cyrus worries.

“I’m thinking we’re going to cross _two_ things off tonight.”

 

* * *

 

“This is a really bad idea!” Cyrus hisses at TJ.

TJ simply looks at him innocently and shrugs. “It was on your bucket-list.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of not crossing the street at a crosswalk or going to a party, _not_ taking my parents car!”

“We aren’t taking it, we’re borrowing it,” TJ corrects. “There’s a difference. We won’t be gone for more than an hour or two.”

Cyrus’s hand holding the keys to the car that he grabbed off the counter tremble slightly. His knees also wobble in tandem as the duo stands in front of the car. Maybe he’s gotten way in over his head. Sure, he’s tired of his parents hovering over him ever second, but sneaking out at night is one thing. Stealing their car is on an entirely different level.

“Listen, underdog,” TJ says, prompting Cyrus to glance over at him. He almost looks guilty, but that can’t be right. He doesn’t seem like the sorrowful type. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not comfortable with it.”

“I…” The words die on his tongue as he is unsure what to say. The only thing that he _is_ sure about is just how unsure he feels about this whole situation.

The strange thing is, what prompts him to make his decision in the end isn’t his frustration at his parents or his need to be something other than a coward. In fact, Cyrus simply looks up at TJ and thinks about him instead. TJ’s eyes meet his. He never realized how green they are.

“Ok,” Cyrus agrees meekly. “You promise nothing bad will happen, so my parents won’t kill me?”

With a serious expression, TJ holds out his pinky. Some of the tension evaporates from Cyrus’s body as he interlocks TJ’s pinky with his own.

“Promise. Now, are you ready to have the time of your life?”

Cyrus gulps, clutching the keys in his palm. “Hop in.”

Everything seems like a reversal from the first night they hung out. This time, Cyrus is the one being reckless, driving his parent’s car to a mini golf place. Despite Cyrus’s doubts that they would be able to play mini golf at three in the morning, TJ reassures him that it will be fine. Such vague answers do nothing to ease his nerves. For more than once in his life, Cyrus wishes he could be more relaxed. He’s never been the one to break any rules in fear of the consequences, but TJ isn’t worried about what will happen. He simply does. Cyrus will never be like that, no matter how hard he tries.

The drive is not long, but it feels like hours to Cyrus. The further away he drives, the greater number of horrible scenarios race through his head. What if he accidently crashes the car? What if no one can find them? What if his parents realize he’s missing and disown him? Despite Cyrus knowing how unrealistic these intrusive thoughts may be, he can’t prevent them. As more and more thoughts play on repeat, he digs his fingernails into the steering wheel and breaths harshly out his nose.

“We’re almost there,” TJ pipes up from beside him. For a moment, Cyrus forgot he was even in the vehicle.

Sure enough, they pull into an empty parking lot a few minutes later. The burned-out lamp posts and silence of the outdoors give off an eerie mood. Even the ocean waves cannot be heard through the thick grove of trees.

After locking the car, TJ leads him toward a dark building. He opens the door with a strong tug. Inside, Cyrus sees nothing but black. Fortunately, TJ heads in first, allowing Cyrus to trail behind him. A bright light suddenly switches on, and Cyrus jumps in surprise.

“Just my phone flashlight, underdog,” TJ says.

Cyrus nods, not trusting himself to say anything while he attempts to calm down his pounding heart. Now that there’s some sort of light, he can see where they are. The area is obviously abandoned. A thick layer of dust coats every surface. There’s graffiti along the walls. Besides for the desk near the back of the building, it seems empty.

Then, TJ goes behind the desk and pulls out two mini golf putts and balls. “Even though they abandoned it, they left a lot of the supplies behind. Guess they didn’t know what to do with it. You ready to play?”

“Is this trespassing?” Cyrus whispers, as if they’re being monitored. “I know I said I wanted to dance with danger, but two rule-breaking events are too much for me.”

“No, don’t worry. This place has been abandoned for years now. I’ve come here a lot, and there’s never been any signs or anything. I guess the owners just didn’t care what happened to it,” TJ explains. “Besides, I pinky promised you I wouldn’t let anything bad happen. A pinky promise is sacred.”

Cyrus giggles, breaking down some of his worries. “True.”

“Now, let’s go play some mini golf!”

Although the place is abandoned, it’s surprisingly well put together. Some of the features are cracked or missing, but otherwise it looks great. The entire place is outdoors, as well, and lights from nearby help illuminate the course. Ironically, the only thing not working at all are the water features, of course.

“You can’t fall into the water when there is none to begin with,” TJ laughs. “Just don’t trip into the empty holes.”

“No promises.”

On the first hole, Cyrus goes to swing and immediately hits his ball down one of the holes. At least he doesn’t fall in, though. He expects a barrage of mockery, but it never comes. TJ simply smiles, holding another ball out to him.

“You need to be gentler,” He explains. “See the little line on the putt? Use that to aim.”

TJ demonstrates with his own ball, sending it rolling down toward the hole, stopping just a foot away from getting a hole in one. He nods to Cyrus, signifying his turn.

Clumsily, Cyrus places his ball on the ground in front of him and lines the putt up. Just before he’s about to swing, TJ places a hand on his wrist to stop him.

“You’re holding it a bit wrong,” TJ says.

He proceeds to adjust Cyrus’s grip on the putt, maneuvering his hands around into a much more comfortable position. In that moment, Cyrus realizes just how close they are to each other. He becomes hyperaware of the sweatiness of his own hands as TJ’s hands cover over his own. Vaguely, he hears TJ talking to him, but can’t comprehend his words.

“Got it?” TJ asks as he pulls away, leaving Cyrus’s hands in a much more comfortable position.

Cyrus blinks, snapping himself out of whatever type of haze he was just in. “Uh, yeah, I think so.”

TJ steps back, allowing him space to hit his ball. Taking in a deep breath, Cyrus lines up his ball again with his readjusted grip. For some reason, the stakes seem higher now. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of TJ again, especially after the other boy showed him exactly how to do it. He swings, tapping the ball instead of smacking it, and amazingly it rolls down toward TJ’s ball. It doesn’t get nearly as close to the hole, but Cyrus still counts it as a win.

“Nice job, underdog!” TJ congratulates him, putting up a hand for a high five.

Elated, Cyrus smacks their hands together. “Thanks! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that close to the hole in all my times I’ve been mini golfing.”

They continue going from hole to hole, and gradually Cyrus gets better. He still manages to trip over himself a few times, but never stumbles near the empty ponds. Maybe now, he’ll be able to play with Buffy and Andi and not have thirty points more than them.

Thinking of his best friends make Cyrus’s homesickness flare back up. About the hit the ball, he stops in his tracks and drops the putt to the ground. TJ frowns, stepping closer to him.

“Are you okay? Do you need help again?” TJ wonders, picking the putt up from where he dropped it.

“No that’s not it, I just…” Cyrus sighs, plopping himself down in the middle of the course. “I realized how much I miss my friends at home.”

TJ joins him, sitting cross legged. “You’re really close to them, aren’t you?”

“Definitely. I’ve known them since elementary school.”

“That’s a long time to keep friends. They must be pretty cool.”

Cyrus smiles. “They are.”

They lapse into silence.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” Cyrus begins, “But I really think you should go back home.”

“Cyrus, I told you—”

“I know, and I’m sorry for being nosy. I guess that’s what I get for being the child of four psychologists. I have no idea what happened between you guys, and I’m not asking you to tell me. But I can tell you’re not doing great, TJ. Where did you even sleep last night?”

TJ ducks his head, mumbling, “Outside in some trees somewhere.”

“You shouldn’t be sleeping in the wilderness, TJ!” Cyrus tells him. “Listen, I understand how uncomfortable this must be for you, but tonight I did a bunch of stuff that made me terrified. I guess what I’m saying is, if I can face my problems and fears, so can you.”

Afraid to see TJ’s reaction, Cyrus looks off into the distance, kicking the colorful ball by his feet back and forth. He doesn’t look over at TJ until he feels a hand touch his shoulder.

“You’re right,” He admits. “There’s just some stuff that I’m not ready to confront yet, but I have to at some point.”

“You don’t have to do that right now,” Cyrus replies. “But you need somewhere to live.”

TJ nods. “I guess I can text them, at least, see if they even want me to come back.”

“I’m sure they do. But, if they don’t, you probably shouldn’t come to me because my parents might have already killed me for sneaking out,” Cyrus worries as he glances at the time on his phone. It’s getting early, as in the sun’s going to rise soon early.

Noticing his frightened look, TJ peers over his shoulder at the time. “Oh, shit. We better get going.”

They make it back to the car, and Cyrus goes to climb in, but notices TJ hasn’t budged.

“Aren’t you coming?”

TJ rocks back on his heels, biting his lip. “My house is pretty close to here, actually, so I think I may head home.”

Cyrus beams at him. “I’m proud of you, TJ. See you soon?”

“Of course. We still have to finish that list of yours.”

So Cyrus drives back alone, thankful that he remembered the way they came. By the time he reaches the hotel, the sun has just started rising. When he slips quietly back indoors, he’s relieved to find out that none of his parents have woken up yet.

He goes back to his room and puts on pajamas, hoping to get at least a little bit of sleep before the day ahead of him. After climbing into bed, he clutches his pillow, big smile never leaving his face. He actually did it, he accomplished two things that he never thought he could. And it was all thanks to TJ.


	7. pastpresentfuture

 

_June 12: Santa Cruz, California_

TJ never thought one house could appear so daunting. Standing on the edge of the road, TJ feels as if he will be swallowed up by his house like the sentient one from that old movie Monster House. Although his negative feelings aren’t so much due to the house, but rather because of everything that has happened there. To some people, living in the same house their entire lives would be considered a luxury, and it was in some ways; however, never leaving also meant that the demons in his life stuck with him, as well.

Afraid to go inside, TJ decides to check his messages from his mom and Amber. There’s significantly more from his sister, mostly calling him stupid and telling him to come back. His mother says she’s worried about him. Well, at least they don’t want him gone. Despite TJ wanting to run from his trauma, he also knows now that he must deal with it for the time being, even if he isn’t ready to completely face it.

Finally, TJ moves forward with determination. He forces himself to keep walking up toward the door. Even though he’s only been away from home for a day, taking the path up to his doorway feels completely different. The door is locked, as usual, and TJ doesn’t have a key. He holds his breath, bringing a hand up and rapping against the wood.

Inside, he hears footsteps rushing down creaking stairs. Then, the door flies open. He almost doesn’t recognize his sister at first. She appears more disheveled than ever, and a flash of guilt runs through TJ. Did he do this to her?

“Hey Ambs,” He greets.

She punches his arm, holding back no force. “You ass!”

“Ouch!”

“You deserve it! Do you know how worried we were about you? And you wouldn’t answer our texts, so we thought something bad may have happened.”

“I’m sorry, really, I just felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore,” TJ admits. “Being here brings back bad memories, ones I don’t really want to relive more than I have to.”

Amber frowns. “What made you come back, then?”

Cyrus pops into his mind, and the image of the other boy creates a smile on TJ’s face. He considers telling Amber about him; after all, they used to be close enough to tell each other everything. Then, TJ decides that it’s probably better to keep them separate. As of right now, his interactions with Cyrus act as an escape from the problems of his daily life. With Cyrus, he can start anew. Mixing these two separate lives would most likely cause chaos and questions that TJ isn’t ready to answer.

Instead, he shrugs and says, “I guess I just realized that I have nowhere else to go, and no one else who really cares about me. Besides, twins stick together. I was just worried you guys wouldn’t want me to come back.”

“You really are an idiot. You’re my brother, even if you drive me crazy sometimes. Like you said, twins stick together.”

Amber opens the door wider, allowing TJ to enter, immersing him back into his normal life and therefore his normal problems. TJ immediately heads to the kitchen for a snack, as he hasn’t eaten since he left. Amber follows him, watching as he gorges on leftover pizza and poptarts. Mom has yet to appear, so he figures she’s at work like usual.

“Can you explain to me what’s going on now?” Amber brings up. “After Dad died, you changed. I mean, we all changed of course, it was terrible. But it’s like something in you just snapped.”

“Please, Amber, just don’t push it. I still don’t want to talk about it. I’m glad to see you, but just respect my boundaries, okay?”

“Can I at least ask if you were with Reed and Lester?”

He hears the disgust in her voice as she spits out their names. Hesitantly, he obliges in answering her question. “No, I was by myself. I’ll be in my room.”

When he makes it back to his bedroom, he closes and locks the door as usual. Groaning, TJ flops down onto his bed, back crying out in protest at the sudden movement. The soft, plushness of his mattress makes it worth it, though. He sighs in relief, rolling on his side so he’s looking at his room.

Amber bringing up Reed and Lester puts TJ in deep thought. Since the last time they were together, TJ hasn’t contacted them at all. He knows they’ve texted, but he’s largely ignored them both. Although they’re technically considered his best friends in school, he isn’t sure if he really likes them. He feels bad ignoring them, though, so he pulls his dying phone back out and opens Reed’s most recent messages.

Reed: Bro where you at??

Reed: thanks for ditching smh

Reed: you dead or something?

Reed: answer your damn phone tj

Reed: I stg you better not let us down again.

Reed: I didn’t wanna have to use this, but I know about what happened in 9th grade. All I’m saying is you need to be careful who you mess with.

The most recent message was sent only about twenty minutes ago. When he reads it, it makes TJ’s heart leap into his throat. He gasps, throwing his phone across the room, keeping it as far away as possible. He holds his hands up in front of him. They’re already trembling. He doesn’t understand. How could Reed possibly know about that? TJ forced it to the back of his mind like many other issues, and now having it resurface in such a manner terrifies him. Now that Reed brought it up, he can’t help the memories seeping through to the surface.

 

_“We have to be quiet!” TJ shushes between their giggling. “My Dad is right downstairs!”_

_Marty grins his signature crooked smile. “Sorry! I just can’t help it. You’re adorable.”_

_Bashfully, TJ glances away, unsure how to respond. Although he’s started to come to terms with the fact that he may like boys, he still hasn’t completely admitted it to himself let alone another boy. He snakes a glance back toward Marty, who has been his best friend for the last few years. His hair flops awkwardly across his face, and his eyes sparkle with mirth. TJ tilts his heads and zones in on his friend’s lips. Are they as soft as they appear?_

_“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Mary says after what TJ realizes was a long moment of silence._

_TJ shakes his head. “No, you didn’t! Not at all, I was just surprised. You’re…you’re adorable, too.”_

_Shyly, TJ leans forward, pecking Marty on the lips. “Sorry, that was my first kiss.”_

_“It’s okay, we have plenty of time,” Marty chuckles, placing a hand on the back of TJ’s neck._

_After a few months of dating, they begin to hang out more and more frequently outside of school. Almost every day, Marty comes over to TJ’s house where they listen to music, play video games, and kiss of course. For the first time in his life, TJ feels completely confident in himself and is finally coming to terms with his sexuality._

_That’s when it all goes to shit._

_The evening starts out like any other. He and Marty chat in his room. The rest of the house is quiet, as everyone has most likely retreated to their rooms for the night. As they sit on the floor and watch a movie, Marty brings TJ into another short kissing session. TJ eagerly complies, hands wrapped around Marty’s waist. TJ doesn’t hear his father’s calls over the sound of the movie._

_The door opens, and in an instant TJ and Marty leap apart, but it’s already too late. His father towers in the doorway, eyes fixated on the two of them. TJ never imagined this happening, at least not this soon. Tears brim on the edges of his eyelids._

_“Dad, I—” He chokes, not sure what to say._

_Meanwhile, his father just stands there, eyes flickering between TJ and Marty who both remain as still as possible. At this point, TJ wishes his Dad would just say something, say anything. Finally, his wish comes true, but it’s not what he hoped for._

_“Get out,” He hisses, pointing at Marty. “Get out of my house!”_

_Marty clambers up, hastily gathering his stuff from around TJ’s room. TJ stands, as well, facing his father. “Don’t make him leave, Dad, please.”_

_From all the horror stories he’s read online about others coming out to their families, he expects the worst. He expects screaming and hatred. He may even expect to be hit. His father does none of that. He says nothing. The entire time, while Marty bolts out of the house and TJ watches, his father says nothing._

_The moment Marty leaves, the only thing he says is, “You shouldn’t see that boy again, Tyler.”_

_That’s it._

_The following days, his father never yells at him or hits him or anything of the sort, but he does do something: he stares. Any time they’re together as a family, whether it be dinner or grocery shopping, he stares at TJ with this strange look in his eyes that TJ can’t decipher for the life of him. Even though his father was never a very talkative man, he rarely said more than a few words to TJ after that day._

_It wasn’t blatant. In fact, if TJ didn’t know to look for a change, he may not have noticed it. His mother and Amber certainly didn’t. However, the ways his father treated him differently later rubbed him the wrong way. He couldn’t handle being with Marty for much longer afterward, breaking up with him by using the excuse that it just wasn’t working out. The real reason he broke up with Marty, though, was perhaps something much worse. TJ was scared._

_If his own father treated him differently after learning about his sexuality, what would stop others? What would his mom think? Or his sister? What about the rest of the world? He sends himself spiraling one night with all these thoughts. He knows who he is, but he’ll never let anyone else in his family find out._

Now, TJ spirals all over again. Reed knows. How can he know? They were so careful. He can’t let this get out, especially now. TJ climbs off his bed in the midst of his panic, grasping his phone that landed near the door. He opens Reed’s message back up.

TJ: what do you want from me?

Reed: same as before, just with a few extra stakes. see you tomorrow night, buddy.

Groaning, TJ puts his head in his hands. He doesn’t want to do this, but he has no other choice. When he puts his head back up, the first thing he sees is The Book Thief sitting on his bedside table. He really needs to give that back. For now, though, he thinks he’ll read through it again. Maybe it will distract him from the impending night. He just needs to come up with some excuse for Cyrus.

 

* * *

 

_June 17: Shadyside, Utah_

“Hurry up! You have to be here when Cyrus calls!” Andi shouts over the phone.

Buffy responds, “I’m coming, I promise! I’m only a few minutes away.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll see you soon.”

Andi hangs up, keeping her phone in her direct line of sight. Jonah sits next to her awkwardly, neither of them saying anything. Bex enters from the kitchen, carrying a plate full of snacks.

“Got some cookies! They’re fresh from the store,” She grins, handing the tray to her daughter. Andi thanks her nibbling on the edge of one cookie before passing them to Jonah.

Bex asks, “Still waiting for Cyrus to call?”

“Yeah, I’m really worried about him,” Andi responds. “He just hasn’t been talking to us very much.”

Bex shrugs. “Maybe he’s just having too much fun?”

At this, all three of them burst into laughter as they all had to deal with Cyrus’s complaining about his trip in the days leading up to it. The doorbell interrupts them, and Andi hops up to answer it. Buffy can’t even say a word before Andi tugs her into the house, ushering her to sit beside her on the sofa.

“He still hasn’t called?” Buffy wonders, wrinkling her nose.

“Nope,” Andi answers.

“That’s crazy!”

Bex joins the three of them. “Wait, when was he supposed to call?”

“Five o’clock!”

Bex checks her phone. “It’s 5:03.”

“Exactly!” Andi and Buffy shout at the same time, both sounding extremely concerned.

“He’s usually so punctual,” Buffy explains.

Before they can continue talking, Andi’s phone rings for a facetime request. She leaps toward the it, answering on the second ring. The video on the other end is slightly blurry, but otherwise comes in perfectly fine.

“Hey everyone!” Cyrus greets. His hair is longer and windswept from being outside, and he has a slight tan around his face despite the fact that all his friends know he always wears SPF 75.

“Hey Cy-guy!” Jonah laughs. “Good to hear from you.”

“Ugg, I miss you all so much,” Cyrus sighs. “I hate being away from you for so long, especially during the summer!”

“Us too,” Buffy agrees. “It hasn’t been the same without you.”

“Glad you didn’t forget about me,” Cyrus jokes, although it seems to fall flat. He turns the camera away from him. Andi and Buffy share a glance with each other.

Andi brings the camera closer to herself. “Of course, we wouldn’t forget about you, Cy, you’re our best friend.”

“It’s weird not having you at Ultimate practice,” Jonah adds. “No one inspires the team quite like you.”

“Yeah! And the fair wasn’t as fun without you there to keep us on track.”

Cyrus doesn’t respond. Andi only hears the static noise the waves are making in the background. She waves her hand in front of the camera. “Hello? You still there?”

All three of them wait there, confused. Finally, just as they were about ready to give up, Cyrus adjusts this phone’s position, putting his face in view again.

“Sorry, yeah, I’m still here. I think the video was just glitching out. We should probably just try again later.”

Buffy frowns. “Yeah, sure. Talk soon?”

He sends them a half smile. “Yeah, we’ll talk soon. Bye everyone!"

The call disconnects.

Bex, who sat out of view the entire time, stands and brushes off her pants. “You were right, he’s not acting…Cyrusy enough.”

“He’s probably just bored and lonely,” Jonah says. “I know I would be.”

“We’ll call him later, maybe he’ll be better by then,” Andi decides, putting her phone back in her pocket. “For now, we should head to The Spoon. I need help with the summer reading.”

 


	8. the unknown

_June 19: Santa Cruz, California_

Sometimes, Cyrus gazes out onto the never-ending ocean and it dawns on him just how small of a role he plays. Traveling to California has made him especially aware of that, where the thousands of people who walks past on the beach have their own lives and experiences separate of him. As a child, Cyrus never thought about his role in this world, he only thought about what he knew. Now, though, with everything already changing and set to change even more, he’s recently been forced to rethink his own experiences.

Tonight, his perceptions of his life have only come under question more. It first started when TJ no longer reached out to contact him. They had exchanged numbers after Cyrus sent him his summer bucket list, but since then TJ has been completely silent. Cyrus even texted him a few times, asking if he was okay, but he got nothing in response. After two days, Cyrus gave up. TJ’s life is in an entirely different place than his own. Despite the lingering disappointment he feels as well as building loneliness, he figured it was just a matter of time before TJ stopped talking to him.

Dealing with loneliness, Cyrus figured it would help to facetime his friends back in Shadyside. It helped quell his sadness at first. Seeing Andi, Buffy, and Jonah’s smiling faces and familiar voices made Cyrus unbelievably happy. But soon, after hearing about the fair, his happiness burned out as fast as dumping a bucket of water on a dwindling candle flame. At first, Cyrus thought that the bitter feeling rising in him was jealousy. After hanging up as quickly as possible, though, he realized it felt more like unbearable loneliness. The combination of the lack of TJ as well as missing out on experiences with his friends allows the loneliness to continue manifesting.

Cyrus convinces himself that it’s just the loneliness that drives him to text TJ again after many days. It’s not because the other boy challenges him to do things he never thought possible or because he always seems to cheer Cyrus up. He’s just lonely, that’s all.

Cyrus: I understand that you probably have a ton of stuff going on in your life that’s more important what we’ve been doing, but I just want to make sure you’re alright. I might not know you that well, but I want you to be safe.

He hits send before he can overthink it.

 

* * *

 

It’s one a.m. when his phone rings.

Insomnia strikes him nearly every night now. Before getting the call, he was just lying in bed on his side with dozens of thoughts milling about. Cyrus squints at the caller ID before picking up even though he knows who it is. Neither speaks; they simply listen to each other breathe through the speaker, unsure what to say.

“Cyrus,” TJ finally mumbles out, voice gritty through the phone. He sounds even more sleep deprived than usual. “Sorry I haven’t texted or anything. I just—stuff’s been going on, y’know?”

“You don’t have to explain anything. I get it. I mean, we hardly even know each other.”

“Actually…that’s the sad part. I think you know me better than anyone else in my life.”

He opens his mouth to respond, trying to come up with something deep and meaningful but nothing comes to mind, so he simply settles on, “Are you okay?”

TJ sucks in a deep breath on the other side of the phone. Static hums in the background. He hears muddled shuffling, followed by more static. Finally, TJ clears his throat.

“Do you want to do something tonight?”

Cyrus stammers, “What do you mean?”

“We still have some items to complete on your list, right?” TJ explains with a soft chuckle. “Wanna do another?”

“Sorry I just thought…” Cyrus trails off, biting the inside of his cheek. “I didn’t think that you wanted to do that anymore.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I mean, helping me accomplish a bunch of tasks that second graders have done probably isn’t most teenagers’ idea of a fun time.”

“Trust me, I’m not like most teenagers,” TJ says vaguely. “Besides, I like being around you.”

Cyrus’s lips curl into a smile. “Me too.”

At that point, he isn’t sure which part he’s agreeing with, but he has a feeling it’s both.

“I’ll be there in twenty then. Don’t worry, you won’t have you borrow your parent’s car again.”

He laughs. “Good. See you in a bit.”

Maybe this will help Cyrus feel like he has a greater role in this world, even if it’s only for tonight. Not to mention, getting his mind off things once more always helps, and recently the only way to do that has been hanging out with TJ. Even though he doesn’t know TJ very well, they’re obviously still friends. The strange thing for Cyrus is he usually gets to know people he befriends beforehand. By now, they’d probably know a ton about each other; but TJ is different than any friend Cyrus has ever had. Maybe it’s the circumstances or their opposite personalities, but this friendship has different roots. Cyrus has yet to discover how that will affect them.

In his musing, he doesn’t hear the scratching of tires along the graveled road. A honk catches his attention, causing him to jerk in surprise, heart pounding. He tiptoes out into the front room and peers past the curtains. A familiar Jeep sits there. He waits in there momentarily to be certain his parents haven’t woken up before heading out the door.

Cyrus’s heart doesn’t stop pounding when he reaches the car. From the driver’s seat, TJ smirks at his annoyed expression.

“What was that?!” Cyrus hisses at him, closing the car door as gently as possible. “My parents could have easily woken up!”

“But they didn’t, did they? Did I scare you?” He teases.

Cyrus ducks his head in embarrassment. His refrain from answering only makes it more obvious that he did get scared. TJ laughs slightly before patting Cyrus on the shoulder.

“I did that for a reason, you know,” TJ begins. “I’m preparing you for the jump scares to come because we will be crossing off ‘watch a scary movie’ from your bucket list!”

Immediately, the color drains from Cyrus’s face. Although it’s not the worst item on there, it’s probably one of the worst things to do with TJ. While his friends back in Shadyside know how much of a wimp he is when it comes to horror, TJ has no idea. Once, a kid from their school jumped out at him with a mask on, and it made Cyrus cry. The worst part is that this was only two years ago.

“I’m really bad with horror movies,” Cyrus admits. “Like, really bad. If you thought I was a wimp before, just you wait.”

“I never thought you were a wimp. Besides, I’ll be there to warn you at the jump scares, so it won’t be so bad.”

They start driving, and Cyrus finds himself wondering where they’re going. After all, it’s so early in the morning (or late at night, you could also say), that no movie theatre will be open. Briefly, Cyrus wonders if TJ’s driving him to his own house. Some may call him weird, but Cyrus believes that someone’s room is one of the best indicators of who they are. Artistic or plain, messy or clean, full or empty. Even though Cyrus wants to know more about TJ and his life, he also knows that with TJ that will only come with time and patience. Although he knows they probably aren’t heading to TJ’s home, he does wonder where else they could possibly be going.

“You look confused,” TJ mentions with another glance to confirm his comment.

Cyrus chuckles. “I was just wondering where we’re going to watch a movie in the middle of the night.”

“You’ll see.”

Cyrus taps his feet, turning to face out the window. He can still see peaks of the ocean through the trees. As they drive, he notices that the lights from the city get stronger as they move away from the beach; it acts as an ombre effect, leading from the pitch black of the infinite seas inwards toward the bustling streets of downtown.

Soon, they’re deeper inside the town. Shops line the streets which are normally bustling with people. One of the oddest things Cyrus has encountered is the feeling of driving at night. And it’s one thing when he’s in Shadyside, a tiny town where there’s hardly anyone out in the daytime. In a larger city like Santa Cruz, though, seeing the normally crowded streets and sidewalks void of nearly everyone gives off an eerie feeling.

“We’re here!” TJ announces, pulling in on the side of the street.

Where is here? All Cyrus sees is closed businesses and empty grass. “I still don’t get it.”

TJ rolls his eyes, motioning him out of the car. Cyrus complies, jumping out of the Jeep and landing on the soft grass. It’s great not being on the beach for once. Since his first day here, sand finds its way into every crevice of his room and clothes. He’s certain he’ll still be finding flecks of sand when he returns to Shadyside. In other words, the grass is a welcome change.

After fiddling around with something in the back, TJ stumbles toward him carrying a pile of stuff taller than himself. Cyrus giggles, grabbing some of the stuff from the top of his pile to hold in his own arms. He takes just enough to see TJ’s face again. Finally, Cyrus registers what he took in his arms: blankets. A feeling of realization sweeps over him.

“Now you’re getting it!” TJ says. “Come on, I’ll show you where.”

He leads them toward the center of the massive park. A walking path stretches around the edges of the area, and it’s lined with benches. Picnic tables with chipped paint are scattered among the trees. They approach a playground. Whimsical slides and ladders twirl throughout the structure. A few sets of monkey bars branch off. A swing set stands beside it, empty swings gently creaking in the breeze.

TJ plops the stuff down just in front of the playground. They’re in front of a plain cement wall, separating the rest of the park from the kid’s area. It’s tall and has limited graffiti. TJ pulls out a mini projector for his phone, casting the screen against the blank surface.

“Do we have to watch it here?” Cyrus whines, arms folded.

“What’s wrong with here?”

“We’re right beside a creepy playground! Playgrounds are _always_ haunted; don’t you know that?”

Shrugging, TJ starts flapping out the blankets to make them cover a wider patch on the ground. “I don’t know, I guess I don’t believe in ghosts?”

“I worry that if I don’t believe, the ghosts will get mad at me for disrespecting them,” Cyrus explains. “Besides, haven’t you ever had something happen to you that seems too strange to understand?”

TJ pauses his movements. “I guess I’ve never thought about it.”

Huffing out a scared breath, Cyrus gives in and helps TJ set up the blankets and pillows. He notices TJ looking over at him flashing a smile. Cyrus shakes his head as he finally sits down in their makeshift blanket fort.

“Ready?” TJ asks, leaning toward his phone to press play.

“Not really, no,” Cyrus admits, pillow already latched in his arms. “But it’s now or never.”

The movie isn’t too bad at first. If Cyrus didn’t know better, he would assume this was just a movie about a sweet suburban family going about their lives. Of course, that’s just the set up. He wonders why almost all horror movies must start out completely normal before descending into terror. After all, even though events may be more dramatized for movies, similar terrible things happen to real people all the time. Cyrus doesn’t understand why people would want to live those things over and over for fun even if it isn’t real to them.

After about fifteen minutes in, the movie starts to get creepier. Cyrus’s arms squeeze the pillow so tight that he worries the filling will burst out. The anticipation of not knowing when he’ll be scared makes him even more terrified. He buries his face as far down in the pillow as he can while still being able to peer at the film. He doesn’t want TJ to think he can’t handle one horror movie.

Just then, he feels a squeeze on his bicep. He gasps, lurching in fear. The hand remains firmly, grip warm against his skin.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” TJ apologizes. “I just wanted to warn you that there’s a jump scare really soon.”

Cyrus gulps, nodding thankfully. When TJ releases his grip, Cyrus finds himself wishing his hand hadn’t moved.

Sure enough, less than a minute later a jump scare happens. Although it still causes Cyrus to make a noise of fright and drop his pillow, it’s significantly less scary after TJ warned him. He smiles over at TJ best he can, still feeling scared but not as scared.

As they watch, TJ continues to warn him about all the jump scares. As they near the end of the movie, Cyrus feels much more confident in his horror movie watching abilities. He thinks he might make it through this with nightmares for only a few days instead of a week. He’s avidly watching the screen, excited for the movie to be done so he can revel in his success. That’s when it happens.

With absolutely no warning, some creatures pops up screaming. Not expecting another jump scare, Cyrus screeches. Not in his right mind, he lurches toward the nearest source of comfort which just happens to be TJ himself.

He cowers into TJ’s side, too scared to be embarrassed yet. Cyrus hides his face in the fabric of TJ’s sweatshirt and his hands clutch TJ’s forearm. The other boy stiffens underneath him but thankfully doesn’t pull away. Cyrus continues to squeeze his eyes shut, trying to block out the sound of the scream echoing in his eardrums. It only feels like a few seconds later when TJ whispers in his ear, but it’s probably been a lot longer.

“It’s over now,” TJ promises, breath tickling his cheek.

Suddenly, Cyrus becomes acutely aware of his position and leaps away, scratching at his neck to try and hide his blush. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I just grabbed the closest thing to me and—”

“It’s okay. It was my fault, anyway. I forgot about that last jump scare.”

In the dim light it’s hard to see TJ’s face, but Cyrus swears it’s a matching scarlet color. He’s probably embarrassed of him and what he did. After all, boys don’t usually do this kind of thing. Just because he’s used to it with Buffy and Andi doesn’t mean other people don’t find it strange, especially other boys.

TJ clears his throat. “You made it through. You can officially cross another thing off your list.”

“Yeah, I can,” Cyrus mutters, still caught up in his thoughts. “I did kind of cheat though.”

“Well I say it counts.”

They both lay there on the blankets, flat on their backs to look up at the stars. The credits scroll in front of them, creepy music muted by TJ. Even in the city the stars are still so visible and bright. Silently, Cyrus traces the outline of the Big Dipper with his forefinger.

“Do you like space?” TJ asks, watching him curiously.

He nods. “I guess I’ve always been fascinated with the unknown. Space, prehistoric times, mystery stories…”

“I think that’s the opposite of me. I like what’s already known: human history, sports, things that are already set in stone.”

“You know, if you think about it, nothing is really set in stone,” Cyrus muses, gaze never leaving the stars above. “I mean, human history can be biased, new information can be discovered, sports can be unpredictable. I think you like the unknown, too, you may just not realize it. Think about it: you could be at home in your normal routine but instead you’re here, with me.”

He hears rustling and turns his head. TJ is looking at him strangely. It doesn’t feel like a bad look, but he can’t decipher the emotions swirling in his eyes. If he tries, he simply gets lost in the vibrant mesh of greens.  

“Wanna swing?” TJ asks out of nowhere.

“What?”

TJ gets up and heads toward the swing set. Mind still reeling, it takes a second for Cyrus to catch up to what’s happening. He doesn’t want to be left in the dark, especially after the scary movie, so he jogs to catch up to TJ who’s already starting to pump his legs in the air on the swing.

The chains rattle as he sits down. He begins to swing languidly back and forth, never venturing too far from the ground. Meanwhile, TJ rocks so high that the entire swing set shakes and creaks. Once he gets high enough, he leaps off the swings, landing in a crouch on the ground. Cyrus watches in awe the entire time.

“You’re crazy,” Cyrus comments.

TJ dusts himself off and climbs back on his swing. “You should try it.”

“No thanks! I think I’ve had enough scares today.”

“Fair enough.”

He thinks of the swings back in Shadyside which he’s been to numerous times over the years. These swings feel similar. The same rusty metal and hard, plastic seats. The same childhood nostalgia that makes him yearn to be back in elementary school when life was less stressful and more fun. The only thing that’s different is this time, he’s not alone. He feels as if he’s swinging into the unknown.

“My dad used to take me to this park, but he’d never let me swing,” TJ says. “My sister fell off once and broke her arm, so he thought they were too dangerous.”

“Your dad sounds like my parents, overprotective,” Cyrus replies, feet scraping across the bark of the playground.

“I guess. I learned that he was kind of a dick later in life, though.”

“Was?” Cyrus can’t help but let the curiosity get the better of him. He instantly regrets it, knowing TJ seems to value his privacy. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer.”

TJ hesitates, obviously uncomfortable. “I, uh, he…died a bit ago.”

“I’m sorry, Teej.”

TJ takes in a deep breath before hissing it out. He drops his head, fingernails curling into the chains holding him up. Then, he drags his feet across the ground to stop himself. The only sounds are the distant revving of a motorcycle and the awkward squeak of Cyrus’s swing.

A few squeaks of his swing later, he hears the chains rattle as TJ stands up.

“Can I push you?”

Cyrus glances behind him, expecting to see TJ looking upset, maybe even furious. Much to his surprise, he seems mostly normal, albeit a bit quieter. The way he asks the question makes it seem like a covert test of trust, and maybe it is. Either way, Cyrus will be sure to say yes.

After giving his consent, TJ’s hands press against his back. He pushes him forward gently, sending the swing going a bit faster. Cyrus tries to pump his legs for help, but he finds himself distracted by the large hands pressing against his shoulders every time he swings backwards.

Soon, they find a rhythm. Cyrus is swinging higher than he has in a long time. He squeals with fear as he gets higher. It must be adrenaline keeping him from combusting. The higher he goes, the more he feels as if he’s flying, closer and closer to the stars. The sky is a lot like the ocean, he realizes. Dark and infinite.

“Underdog!” TJ shouts just before he pushes him harder than before. Cyrus shoots up into the air, and TJ runs underneath him. The swing hurls left to right from the force of the push. Cyrus shrieks as it happens, heart pounding. Now in his view again, TJ laughs at Cyrus’s bewildered expression.

“Want another one?”

“I don’t know if—” This phrase cuts off into joyful screaming as TJ pushes him high again. Despite the fear paralyzing him, a beam covers his face.

As he swings higher and higher, floating up into the cosmos, he looks back down to earth. He sees the city covered in lights, the beach’s rolling waves, the palm trees swaying in the wind. He sees his family, he sees him and his friends at The Spoon, he sees the glow of the Northern Lights. As he falls backwards down to earth, scenery rushing past him, the first thing he focuses on again is TJ smiling. Cyrus smiles back.

Maybe this summer won’t be so bad after all.


	9. liar

_June 24: Santa Cruz, California_

 

Liar,

_Liar,_

**_Liar_ **

 

Nowadays, it seems like lying is all TJ knows how to do. Even though lying has become easier, slipping off his tongue like the truth, every false word that exits his mouth breaks him a little more. The worst part about it is that no matter how much it affects him, guilt clawing to the surface almost constantly, he can’t bring himself to tell the truth. If he ever musters up the courage to stop the deceit, all he knows is his life will change drastically and not for the better.

Even though he may not always realize it, TJ knows that half the time he’s lying to himself, too.

At least now he hopes Reed and Lester will finally let him be. Now that he’s fulfilled their request, he doesn’t have to worry about them again. Although TJ’s glad to be done hanging out with them, realistically he knows he’ll probably go back to them once school starts up again. He always does. After all, he has no other friends. Cyrus is an exception but only for the summer. Then, TJ will be back to his old self again.

Cyrus’s book now sits on TJ’s bedside table. It acts as some sort of a comfort object, despite the grim tale of the book. He thinks it’s not the book, but rather Cyrus’s thoughts on the book. He can see the adoration given to it, from Cyrus’s little notes in the margins to the stretched-out binding. TJ knows he needs to give it back. The book is just another one of his lies, as he hasn’t admitted to Cyrus that he has it. Returning it to him is harder than he thought it would be, though. He needs to do this. Even if it’s only one lie that’s cleansed from him, it’s a start. With another long-lasting glance at the book, he pulls out his phone and dials Cyrus’s number.

Since the movie night in the park, they haven’t had time to see each other face to face again. Part of the reason is that Cyrus and his four parents have been busy doing a bunch of stuff around Santa Cruz recently. Also, Cyrus’s summer bucket list is almost finished, but TJ doesn’t want it to end. Once they finish, TJ will not have any more excuses to hang out with him. He just wants this to last as long as possible. Even though it’s one of the strangest things to happen to him recently, it’s also one of the most normal.

Although it’s still relatively late at night, about eleven thirty, it’s much earlier than him and Cyrus usual converse. That’s why TJ is surprised when it takes Cyrus so long to pick up the phone.

“’lo?” Cyrus mumbles, voice groggy from sleep.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” TJ asks even though he knows the answer.

“It’s fine, I probably would’ve woken up in another hour or so anyway.”

There’s a lull in the conversation. TJ forgets why he called in the first place.

Noticing TJ’s lack of response, Cyrus wonders, “Why did you call? Not that I’m angry or anything, I was just wondering.”

Cyrus must be more awake now since he’s rambling like normal instead of barely getting out one word. TJ feels guilty waking him up, but he finally remembers why he called. He figures Cyrus will be excited to hear his news.

“So I kinda have your book? The Book Thief? I picked it up the day we first met at the beach, and I’ve held onto it ever since. I meant to give it back, I swear! I just got to reading it, to reading your notes, and I just…I was enthralled with it,” TJ stumbles out, fiddling with the book as he speaks.

Cyrus squeaks, “Oh!”

“You probably think I’m super weird now. I’ll give it back to you next time we meet, I promise.”

He hears Cyrus’s breath blow gently through the speakers. “No, I—I was just embarrassed, that’s it. I never thought anyone would read my notes on that.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed; your notes were like one of the best parts of the book. I can tell how much you love this story from the way you write about it. It was eye opening, honestly.”

“Really?”

“Definitely. But don’t worry, I’ll return it soon.”

A pause. “Actually, why don’t you keep it for now. I mean, that is if you want…”

TJ halts his thumbing through the pages. “Wait, seriously? But it means so much to you.”

“It does. It also sounds like it means a lot to you, and I think you need it more than I do right now. Keep it until I leave.”

The polite thing to do is tell him it’s his book and give it back. For some reason, though, TJ can’t help but agree to the offer, already excited he’ll be able to reexamine the book once more. A smile unwillingly forms on his face as his hands curl around the book.

“Thanks, Underdog. I’ll let you get some well needed sleep.”

“You sure? You can come over if you want,” Cyrus offers, immediately followed by an extended yawn.

“Go to sleep, Cy. I’ll talk to you later.”

Cyrus doesn’t need anymore prompting. Already, TJ hears his breath evening out and slowing down. Barely awake, Cyrus mutters out ‘goodnight’ under his breath. TJ can’t bring himself to hang up yet. He feels creepy just listening to Cyrus breath deeply for another minute, but it seems to calm him. He rubs his eyes lethargically, beginning to nod off himself.

“Goodnight,” TJ whispers, as to not wake the sleeping boy up.

He ends the call, placing the book back in its spot. Figuring he’ll take advantage of his tiredness, TJ slips into bed and buries his face into his pillow. A happy, warm feeling overtakes him which helps lull him to sleep.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, TJ feels refreshed for the first time in a long time. It’s early enough that he can hear his mother downstairs getting ready for work. Stretching, TJ stands up and heads toward the kitchen.

Since he left, he’s only seen his mother a couple of times. Of course, she’s joyful that he’s back, bringing him into a tight hug the minute she saw him again. After his breakdown that night at the boardwalk, though, their relationship feels different. Both tiptoe around each other, neither addressing the subject of tension between them. Amber, on the other hand, seems to be getting along with him better than she has in a long time. She can sense the awkwardness between their mom and himself, but she’s also smart enough to not say anything just yet. TJ is just waiting anxiously for the day that she finally gathers up the courage to ask him. That day, whatever brother-sister relationship that formed will vanish in an instant. 

“You’re up early, Tyler,” his mom mentions as he tromps down the staircase.

He simply shrugs. “Got a lot of sleep last night.”

Amber is at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. She watches their interaction carefully, hesitant herself to say anything.

TJ grabs the box of cereal from in front of his sister, pouring himself his own bowl. He eyes Amber for a second before taking a seat beside her. He swears he sees a smile flash across her face for the briefest moment.

“Why don’t you and your sister do something fun today?” Their mom suggests. “You both deserve it.”

TJ snorts into his cereal. Even though he and Amber are on better terms, the idea of them hanging out together is comedic. What would they even do? They have almost nothing in common besides being born on the same day.

“We’ll see,” Amber says vaguely, warding them off from one of mom’s speeches.

Although she doesn’t seem completely satisfied with that answer, their mom gives up for now, going back to getting ready for work. TJ eats the rest of his cereal in silence.

Once their mom leaves, him and Amber are left alone sitting at the table together. Neither of them wants to get up first, so they’re stuck in this weird limbo state. TJ glances down into his nearly empty bowl, watching the crumbs of the cereal swirl around in the leftover milk.

“Don’t freak out,” Amber begins, “But maybe mom was right.”

“You can’t be serious, Amber!”

“I am! Think about it, it’s been forever since we’ve actually done anything together. I feel like we’re strangers sometimes.”

TJ hesitates, seeing the sincerity in her face. He knows he’s been pushing his sister away from him all these years. It’s just another way to conceal his lies. Still, he hates that she’s hurt by his actions, and the guilt bubbles up inside him again.

“I know,” TJ responds, swirling his spoon around in the liquid. “Ok. We can do something, I guess. But what do you want to do?”

Amber mouth opens in surprise. It seems like she didn’t expect to get this far in her convincing. “I don’t know. What do you like to do besides basketball?”

“What do you like to do besides makeup?” TJ retaliates.

They’re stuck at an impasse.

TJ thinks back to their childhood and all the fun times they used to have together. Back then, they were inseparable; in fact, TJ might even call them best friends. He remembers sneaking into Amber’s room late at night and building blanket forts where they would play pretend and complain about school. Then, Amber would sneak up the ‘secret’ stash of Oreos from the highest cupboard and they’d share half the package. Sometimes, they’d even turn music on low volume and dance goofily to it, making fun of each other as they went.

It’s been awhile since TJ has thought of moments like these with his sister; it makes him miss them too much. But he’s long accepted the fact that the two of them will never be that close again. Thinking of their childhood memories does spark an idea though.

“I know what to do,” TJ speaks up. “Come with me, I’ll drive.”

Amber shakes her head. “Oh no, you want me to get in your nasty old Jeep without even knowing where we’re headed?”

“Come on, it will be fine. Just trust me.”

Sighing, Amber stands up slowly from her spot. She grabs the dishes, placing them in the dishwasher. Then, she grasps TJ’s keys in her own hand, staring at them briefly before tossing them over. He catches them with a smile, tilting his head in order to urge her to follow him.

They both hop inside his car. Seeing Amber in the passenger’s seat is a strange phenomenon. In fact, he’s pretty sure she hasn’t been in his car since the first month he got it. Normally, that spot is occupied by Reed or Lester, or more recently, Cyrus. Now, he can add his sister to that list.

“Will it take long to get there?” Amber questions as they start driving.

TJ answers, “Nah, not too long.”

They lapse into silence, not having much to say. The radio penetrates the silence between them as they drive. TJ starts to feel nervous the closer they get. Why does he feel so nervous? It’s just Amber, his sister. Who cares what she thinks, anyway? He hasn’t cared for the longest time, so why should he start now?

He doesn’t ponder the question for long, as he refuses to get too jumbled up in his own mind again. It takes about fifteen minutes before they arrive. TJ pulls up to the curb, parking the car in front of the store.

“Wait, is this…?” Amber trails off, looking up at the sign out the car window.

“A thrift store,” TJ confirms. “One of the biggest here, actually. I used to come here, actually.”

“Wow, this was actually a good idea. I’m surprised.”

TJ laughs as they get out of his Jeep. “Hey! I have good ideas.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

The witty sibling banter returns. Recently, it’s just been banter that turned into arguments. It feels good to not have the shouting in there for now.

The thrift store is almost exactly how TJ remembers it. Hundreds of different lights hang above them, from chandeliers to fairy lights to half broken fixtures. Around the shop, items are stacked nearly to the ceiling along never-ending shelves. It’s like a maze inside the shop, full of trinkets of all kinds. This is where TJ found his first basketball at. It was partially deflated and dusty, but after pumping it up it worked perfectly.

“Woah,” Amber comments, spinning around. “I knew there would be a lot of stuff in here, but this is insane.”

“I know, right?” TJ agrees. “Well, look around then. Don’t just stand there.”

Amber sends him a smile before hurrying off toward something that caught her eye. TJ smiles himself before going in the opposite direction, wandering aimlessly along the aisles. With a lot of the stuff he passes, he can’t even tell what it is. He meanders around the piles of stuff until he reaches something that he recognizes. Near the back of the store are rows and rows of old records, leaned up along beside a record player. TJ thumbs through the record cases, admiring the fading art and logos. His father used to have a record player. TJ remembers this because he always used to sneak into the basement and use it when they weren’t home. As a child, TJ felt guilty every time he snuck down to use it. Now, he feels a kind of relief because he went against his father at least once in his life.

TJ continues forward reluctantly, casting one last glance at the records. Even if he wanted to buy once, it still feels too soon. He walks to the left now, perusing the items as he goes. To keep his mind off his past, his mind wanders once again to Cyrus. Speaking of Cyrus, he can add that onto his insurmountable pile of lies. He still hasn’t told Amber or his mom, and he still doesn’t plan on it for many reasons.

He walks aimlessly as he thinks, eyes glazing over most of the objects. A shiny, glowing sphere is what finally catches his attention again. He approaches it, intrigued. Etched along the surface of the sphere are cutouts of constellations and their names. Although it’s too bright in the shop to clearly the projected stars, it obviously works. Straight away it makes TJ think of Cyrus. Then again, lots of things do these days.

_This is ridiculous,_ TJ thinks to himself. _He’ll think it’s ridiculous._

Still, TJ stands motionless in front of the sphere. He’s unwillingly drawn toward it.

“This place is great! I can’t believe I’ve never been here,” Amber exclaims from behind him.

He turns around. His sister has her arms full of old clothes and accessories, as well as what looks like poetry books.

“Yeah,” He swallows, “Yeah it is.”

“Are you going to buy anything?”

TJ looks back to the glowing sphere with hesitation. Will Amber be suspicious? Will it be worth the risk to get it in the first place? Before things get too weird, he makes a split-second decision and picks the object up, unplugging it from the outlet.

“Just this.”

Amber seems curious but not suspicious. She simply nods and heads toward the cashier. TJ cradles his own choice in his hands with worried thoughts running through his head. Despite these worries, he has an overwhelming urge to give this to Cyrus. He wants to show him that he listens, that he cares. He cares about Cyrus. He hasn’t cared for anyone for a long time, so what makes this boy so different?

“$10.50,” The cashier drones as she bags his present.

On the drive home, TJ feels more content than he has in a long while. Of course, things still aren’t perfect; they probably won’t ever be. But today has felt like a blip of good after years of struggles. He smiles as Amber chats idly to him from her seat. From his rearview mirror, he can just spot the bag holding Cyrus’s gift. His smile grows wider. It’s been a better than average day. It’s been a better than average _summer_.

If only TJ knew it wouldn’t stay like that for long.


	10. not alone

_June 28: Santa Cruz, California_

“I have an idea.”

Cyrus is sitting on the edge of his sofa bed when his phone rings. Through the window, he can see the sky beginning to change from its dusty orange hue. The sun has already set, colors from the sunset fading almost as quick as they arrived. This in between phase is when Cyrus’s phone vibrates in his pocket.

Talking to TJ has become somewhat of a regular thing. Cyrus never planned for it to happen, but soon he found himself texting TJ often when he was bored with his parents. TJ usually ends up calling him at nighttime earlier now, but just late enough that his parents are in their rooms.

“What’s your idea?” Cyrus asks in response.

“We’re going back to the boardwalk to conquer your fear of water.”

Fear seizes in Cyrus’s chest, but not because of the water. He’s swam during the summer plenty of times. When he didn’t correct TJ about it earlier, it was because he felt embarrassed of the truth: the memory behind the water. He just had to choose the boardwalk, too. Out of all the things he’s faced, this one will be by far the most terrifying.

“I don’t know Teej…”

“Hey, I’ll be with you the whole time, okay? I promise.”

_I promise._

A bitter taste takes over Cyrus’s mouth, but he shakes it off. What will TJ think of him if he finds out? Cyrus wishes his fear was as simple as water. Scary movies, sports, danger, water…they’re all rooted in something deeper, something that Cyrus could completely tune out until now. Now, they’ve reached the source.

Realizing TJ is still waiting for an answer, Cyrus whispers, “Okay.”

He doesn’t want to disappoint him. Since he can remember, Cyrus has felt the need to please others. This is another one of those times, but the stakes feel higher. He wants to do this, not just for TJ but also for himself. A new chapter of his life is about to start, and he needs to take control of his own story again.

After working out the details of it all, they plan to go in about a half an hour. TJ comes to pick him up like usual, and Cyrus creeps out the door like usual. Everything with TJ is starting to fall into a routine. It’s a different routine, but it’s still a routine which gives him some sense of normalcy like home does.

“Wearing your swimsuit and brought a towel?” TJ questions.

Cyrus nods in confirmation, feeling too jittery to answer verbally. TJ sneaks glances at him, the frown on his face growing. He knew TJ would be able to tell something is wrong, but he didn’t expect it so soon.

“Listen, if you’re too nervous, we don’t have to do this tonight,” TJ continues, pursing his lips. “I mean, technically it’s not even on your list, so you wouldn’t be losing out.”

“I need to do this.”

They make it to the boardwalk which is eerily quiet at night. The mass of people normally occupying the beachside have vanished, leaving a dark, empty space. The moonlight shines against the water, providing the only light besides the meager lampposts flickering on the sides of the pathway. Besides for the location, the setting feels similar to what happened years ago, and it sets Cyrus even more on edge.

TJ asks, “Are you ready?”

 

_Are you ready yet, Cyrus?_

Cyrus balks, automatically edging away from the boardwalk. Before he can think of controlling it, words spew out of his mouth, trying to keep up with his jumbled thoughts.

“There’s something I haven’t told you,” Cyrus whispers as he traces the waves lapping against the wooden planks.

“Can you not swim or something?”

Despite Cyrus’s fear and nerves, he can’t help but chuckle at TJ’s comment. TJ always seems to make him feel better no matter what situation they’re in.

“No, that’s not it. I just…there’s more to my fear than just water. I-I don’t know how to explain it.”

Noting his distress, TJ reaches for his hand. The warm contact soothes Cyrus, and his heart pulses noticeably faster. TJ squeezes his hand gently, a reassuring gesture that makes Cyrus feel weak yet strong. His emotions stabilize momentarily, giving him the courage to take in a deep breath and start his story.

“It all started in seventh grade…”

_“Are you ready yet, Cyrus?” His friend wonders._

_Cyrus nods, and soon he’s being pulled out of the confines of their cabin._

_The sun has been long set at camp, and a group of kids scamper across an empty field. Curfew was an hour ago, but of course some of the kids came up with a great plan to sneak out together. Normally, rule follower Cyrus Goodman wouldn’t even think of coming with them, but after constant urging and taunting by the others he felt as if he had no other choice but to agree. Not to mention, they were his only friends at summer camp, so if he didn’t go it was as if he were betraying them._

_The plan is to head for the docks and jump in the freezing cold lake water. Cyrus has many hesitations about the plan. For instance, he worries about getting hypothermia and drowning from the shock, or maybe a camp counselor will hear them, and they’ll all get in trouble. He considers turning back the whole way, but the convincing from his friends makes him stay._

_“Come on, Cyrus!” One of them call out as he falls behind._

_They make it to the dock, bare feet pattering against the damp planking. Cyrus shivers, being only in a t-shirt and pajama shorts. The small group of kids giggle to each other as they approach the edge of the dock. Cyrus frowns as he’s brought to the front. He strips down to just his underwear to avoid getting his clothes wet and shivers as he stands on the dock. He stares directly down into the slow, rocking waves. Unlike the daytime, you can’t make out any rocks or fish underneath the dark water. It makes it more ominous and dangerous._

_“Well, you gonna jump?” Another person asks him as he stares at the water._

_Cyrus hesitates, “I don’t know…what if something bad happens?”_

_They break into laughter again causing Cyrus’s cheeks to heat up. Thankfully, his blush isn’t visible in the dark._

_“Just hop in, Cyrus, we’ll follow you.”_

_“Don’t be a wuss, just jump.”_

_Cyrus steps forward with a gulp. Nerves running high, he doesn’t think about anything other than the water below. In the background, the other kids start to chant “Jump! Jump! Jump” louder and faster. Soon, each word matches the pounding of his heartbeat._

_A hand nudges his back, and he half jumps half falls._

_Hitting the water feels like a layer of ice has encased him. The lake is cold enough during the day, but at night it’s a whole new level of freezing. He’s numb as well as hyperaware of all the sensations racing through him. His lungs seize up, making him seem as if he’s choking. Above the water, the outlines of his friends disappear. Other than the muffled sound of laughter, Cyrus hears nothing. No splashes beside him, no encouraging voices. No one there to help him._

_Although he probably isn’t underwater for very long, it feels like a lifetime until he’s able to regain his bearings just long enough to push himself above water. By the time he surfaces, his lungs burn, and water has gone up his nose. He coughs, gagging into the lake. The dock is empty. Cyrus climbs shakily back onto the dock with a sniffle, rubbing his arms to try and warm himself. He reaches for his pile of clothes he left up there only to realize that they’re gone now. Warm tears fall down his face, a big contrast to the rest of his soaking, cold skin. His breath comes out in wheezes. They left him. He’s alone._

_Suddenly, a blinding light cuts into his face. Above him, a camp counselor peers down at him. Never has Cyrus felt so embarrassed and alone. His friends promised they’d be there with him, they promised._

_“Get back to your cabin!” The counselor hisses at him, obviously annoyed at being woken up._

_Cyrus scampers up, crossing his arms over his chest to warm himself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t, I mean—”_

_“We’ll deal with you in the morning. Go to bed.”_

_The thing is, Cyrus can’t even stand the thought of going back into the cabin where his friends are. There’s some part of him that tries to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something happened, and they had to leave. He always tries to see the good in people. It doesn’t always pay off._

_When he walks back into his cabin, goosebumps covering him and eyes red from crying, his cabinmates simply laugh at him._

_“Jeeze Cyrus, I don’t know how you screwed that up so bad!”_

_“I can’t believe the counselor found you!”_

_He sees his clothes sitting in a sopping wet heap on top of his bed. Each word cuts like a knife, drilling deeper and deeper into his chest. He crawls into his soaking bed and throws the clothes to the ground, burrowing under his covers all the way. He doesn’t even bother to get changed into something else, too embarrassed and upset at the thought of facing his friends again._

_It was that night that he felt truly alone for the first time._

“Cy,” TJ whispers, caressing the back of his hand.

It jolts Cyrus back to reality. He’s in Santa Cruz at the beach with TJ. This is then, not now. He shudders as he forces himself to inhale a deep breath. His nose is stuffed up, and he reaches to wipe the tears that have fallen during his retelling of that night.

“Sorry,” Cyrus chuckles wetly, rubbing his eyes. “You probably think I’m stupid now.”

“Are you kidding? Those kids were assholes. If anything, it makes me realize how incredibly brave you are.”

Cyrus scoffs, tugging his hand away from TJ’s grip. “I’m not brave. I’m the opposite of brave, TJ. And tonight will just prove that even more. Now that we’re here, I don’t think I can do this.”

“You don’t have to,” TJ says. “God, I probably wouldn’t either if I was in your position. But you need to know something. I’m here for you, Underdog. I know those kids weren’t, and you probably have no reason to believe me, but I would never leave you alone. I promise.”

At the end of TJ’s spiel, Cyrus dares to look up and meet his eyes. The sincerity in his voice is evident and passionate, but he doesn’t know for sure just how truthful he’s being until they make eye contact. Until now, he never realized just how vibrant of green TJ’s irises are. Besides Andi, Buffy, and Jonah, he’s never really had any other close friends. Then, TJ came into his life, a person so different than everyone else he’s ever met.

Cyrus trusts TJ. He’s not sure why exactly. After all, they still have lots to learn about each other. Maybe it’s because Cyrus will do anything to not be alone nowadays. Still, when he looks at TJ, it feels more profound than that. They met through a series of coincidences, but they both stayed for another reason. Cyrus really hopes he isn’t making a mistake like the one he made back in seventh grade.

“Jump in together?” Cyrus murmurs, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

A smile stretches across TJ’s face. “Together.”

They make their way to the edge of the dock. The déjà vu hits stronger than ever as Cyrus stares back down into the black water. He suddenly feels dizzy and overwhelmed but also persistent. Finally, he peels his shirt off, dropping it at the corner of the long boardwalk. TJ follows his lead, also pulling off his shirt so they’re left in their swimsuits. In the pale moonlight, Cyrus spots an array of moles and freckles covering TJ’s shoulders and back which he never noticed before.

Cyrus sucks in a harsh breath, tightening his fingers into a fist. Then, TJ’s familiar hand curls around his closed fist, prying his fingers open carefully. Once his hand relaxes back to its normal position, TJ’s hand doesn’t move; instead, he slots their hands back together again.

“On three?” TJ asks.

Cyrus nods, and TJ starts the countdown.

“One…two…three!”

It’s a leap of faith.

As they splash down into the water, their hands separate. For a split second, Cyrus’s fears hit him at full force once again. As soon as their hands break apart, though, he feels TJ reaching for him underwater. Suddenly, the water doesn’t feel so bone chilling. Cyrus grasps onto TJ’s arm, unable to find his hand in the darkness. Together, they kick up toward the surface.

They emerge through the top of the water soaking wet. TJ’s normally gelled and styled hair flops across his forehead. Cyrus can’t stop grinning at him as they bob up and down in the waves. TJ grins back, pulling him into a hug.

“You did it!”

Cyrus shakes his head, sending water droplets flying by accident. “No, we did it.”

At this, TJ laughs gleefully and splashes him. Cyrus screeches in surprise and joy, splashing him back. Soon, they’re in full combat, sending sprays of water at each other back and forth until they dissolve into a fit of giggles and try to regain their breath.

“As great as this turned out to be,” Cyrus says once he calms down, “I’m freezing.”

To accentuate his point, his teeth happen to chatter and shivers wrack through his entire frame. TJ agrees eagerly, obviously as cold as he is with blue tinte lips and goosebumps scaling his torso. They swim to the end of the boardwalk, and TJ helps boost him back up. Once they’re both wrapped in the fluffy towels they brought, they sit together on the edge, feet dangling just above the waves.

“Thank you for tonight,” Cyrus whispers to him as they listen to the gulls squawking along the beach shore.

TJ replies, “Anytime, Underdog. Thank you, too.”

“For what?”

“For trusting me, for being brave, for being _you._ ”

In that moment, Cyrus knows that with TJ, he’ll never feel alone.

Above them, the clouds have faded enough for the stars to gleam proudly and sliver of the moon to make itself known. The two boys are sitting close enough that their knees and shoulders touch each other. TJ shifts a bit, making a move to get up, and Cyrus goes to follow him.

“Just wait a second,” TJ tells him, reaching for his backpack.

Cyrus bites his lips, gazing back up at the stars. Behind him, TJ shuffles around in his backpack. Sneaking a glance at him, Cyrus smiles as he sees TJ’s tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration while he digs around.

Finally, TJ pulls out a bag and crawls back toward him. They get back into the same position as before. TJ hands the back over to him, and their hands brush as it’s passed to Cyrus. Confused, Cyrus looks at TJ for confirmation as to what he is supposed to do.

“It’s for you,” TJ explains, “Open it.”

Although he’s still confused, Cyrus reaches into the bag and pulls out what looks like a small globe. He frowns, even more perplexed than before. TJ smiles at his expression, bring the globe between them.

“I found it at this thrift store,” TJ begins, “and it made me think of you, as dumb as that probably sounds. You just talked about your infatuation with space, and well…this lets you see to infinity and beyond.”

Cyrus nudges his shoulder. “Was that a Toy Story reference? Are you a secret Disney nerd?”

TJ throws his head back and laughs, and it sounds like music. “Just turn it on in a dark room when you get back. You’ll see.”

“Okay, TJ. I trust you.”


	11. changing tides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so incredibly proud of this chapter! It's my longest and favorite yet :) also, happy tyrus week! :)

 

_July 4: Santa Cruz, California_

It’s the peak of the afternoon. The heat burns, rampaging through the air to leave beach goers weak and tired. Cyrus and his family are no exception. Even as they try to take cover under a tall beach umbrella, the sun seems to pierce straight through the piece of fabric. Sweat drips down the sides of his face as he stares out at the ocean waters, still squinting despite the sunglasses covering his eyes.

The salty water looks cool and inviting as it laps at the sand. Despite Cyrus’s reputation of avoiding the ocean at all costs, he can’t bear the heat any longer. As he approaches the blue water, the rolling waves approaching from infinity, he doesn’t feel fear like before. Instead, he feels relief wash over him just as the waves slap against his skin. He grins as the saltwater invades his senses. He doesn’t need to be afraid anymore. He’s not alone, never alone. Just a few nights ago, TJ was here in this very ocean swimming alongside him. Now, his connection to TJ will always exist through the waves and the stars in the sky.

After cooling down a bit, he heads back to shore, wet feet sinking into the squishy sand. No matter how many times he goes to a beach, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over how terrible the sand is. Still, what he’s accomplished is progress that he didn’t have before.

His parents all look stunned when they see him coming out of the ocean freshly dripping in water. For once, instead of their over analyzing, they stay quiet as they watch him towel himself off. A satisfied smirk pops up on Cyrus’s face. Finally, he rendered them speechless.

Independence Day couldn’t be more obvious if it tried. American flags sway from their spots sticking up in the sand. Tourists are decked out in full red, white, and blue swimsuits, with matching backpacks and towels to boot. Cyrus even saw one man showing off his giant eagle tattoo on his back, with the eagle flying around the familiar US flag. Kids laugh gleefully, singing the national anthem that they learned in school by heart.

Although it may seem similar at first glance, with the same cheesy, over the top decorations and overzealous attitudes, Independence Day in Shadyside is worlds different. Perhaps it’s the difference between small town and city mentality, but Cyrus’s memory of this day back at home feels like a separate holiday. For one, all day long back at home Cyrus could smell roaring barbeques almost all day and night long. The whole town would be out and about, waving sparklers around and waving their own personal flags. There would always be a grand parade in the center of town; of course, it wasn’t much. Mostly, it consisted of local businesses and school bands marching across the black asphalt, throwing out the occasional fruity candy. In Santa Cruz, on the other hand, the whole holiday seems larger than life. Not a day to spend together, but apart.

Soon, Cyrus discovers that there is one thing the two places Independence Days have in common. Like most interesting things in this town, Cyrus learns this information from TJ. When his phone buzzes as he relaxes on the beach, he expects a continuation of the group chat or perhaps some random ad. Seeing TJ’s name pop up on the screen surprises him, as TJ’s hardly ever texted him during the daytime.

_TJ: We’re finishing your list tonight._

Cyrus’s heart drops for a few reasons. He knows that finishing the list will signify an end, possibly an end to many things. What him and TJ have had going has been great. Their adventures have been the highlight of his summer. The thought of losing that makes his stomach hurt. Also, Cyrus knows what items are left on his summer bucket list, but he looks it up just to confirm.

_Ride an actual rollercoaster_

_Go watch the firework show_

Back in Shadyside, they had this private company who put on a firework show each 4th of July just after the skies went dark. They were big, booming fireworks, and although the show didn’t last long, it always scared Cyrus as well as his dog. He really despises fireworks for many reasons, but vows once to actually stay and watch them. Now, it looks like he’s getting his chance. But what exactly is TJ planning?

_Cyrus: come over at same time?_

_TJ:_ _actually…if we wanna pull this off, I need to get u a bit earlier._

_Cyrus: how much earlier?_

_TJ: maybe eight o’clock?_

At this, Cyrus stalls. Maybe he could do ten or eleven o’clock, as his parents are early to bed early to rise type of people, but eight? There’s no way Cyrus could pull that off. If he came up with the excuse he’s sick, his parents would be constantly fretting on him and checking on him. If he said he was going to bed early, they’d still be tiptoeing into the main living space where he’s sleeping to head to the bathroom and get cups of water.

_Cyrus: I can’t, not that early. My parents are way too suspicious of everything. Nothing I can think of will let me sneak out undetected._

The typing bubble pops up and goes away numerous times before a message finally comes through.

_TJ: okay, another time then._

He knows just as well as Cyrus that there might never be another time, but neither of them comment on it. Suddenly, Cyrus’s good mood evaporates like the water on his skin. Everything feels too stuffy, and Cyrus just wants to go back to the hotel and curl up under his covers. His parents, however, are just getting started on their day out, so Cyrus is forced to suck it up.

 

* * *

 

Cyrus continues to wallow the remainder of the day. He isn’t sure why he’s so devastated. After all, they could still hang out another time, even light off some fireworks of their own. To Cyrus, though, missing this invitation from TJ is like missing the party of the century or a huge milestone event. Needless to say, Cyrus is relieved when they finally make it back from dinner and to their hotel.

He expects his parents to go back to their rooms for a while like usual, but they stick around in the main room as Cyrus collapses back onto his bed.

His mother sits beside him looking concerned. “Sweetheart, we need to tell you something.”

“What is it, mom?” He asks, sitting up again.

“Well, we know how much you hate fireworks, but Todd and I wanted to go see them, and well, your father and Sharon wanted to tag along too.”

Cyrus perks up a bit. “When are you leaving?”

“We were planning on leaving in just a few, but if you’re not comfortable staying here alone….”

“No! I mean, I’m almost an adult, mom. I can handle it, trust me.”

Cyrus pours all the trust and confidence he can into his expression in that moment, offering a small smile to go along with it. His mom caves, pulling him into a death gripping hug. He squeezes back with rigor, excitement growing with the revelation of his parents’ absence.

“We’ll be back around eleven!”

As soon as the door thuds shut, Cyrus immediately checks the clock, and sees that it’s about quarter to eight. Perfect timing. With not a second to waste, he lunges for his phone, dropping it a few times before finally calling the contact he wants.

“Cyrus?” TJ asks upon answer.

“I can go,” Cyrus says, cutting straight to the point. “My parents are going to some fireworks show until eleven, so come over and pick me up.”

“We have a problem; there’s only one big firework show here. Your parents are probably going to be at the same one we’re going to.”

Cyrus blinks, processing this new information. “We can just avoid them, right? And make sure to get back before eleven.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Cyrus, rebel?”

“I guess you’re just rubbing off on me, then. I’m going to go back to school as the resident bad boy.”

TJ laughs over the speakers. “Okay bad boy, I’ll be there in twenty.”

After hanging up, Cyrus glances down gawking at the messy state he’s in. Wrinkled, stained t-shirt that’s too small for him, swim trunks still acting as shorts, and hair coated in a thick layer of sand. He has twenty minutes to get himself in order, and that starts with hopping in the shower.

In the shower, he attempts to scrub all the sand he can out of his dark strands of hair and off his skin. Probably only half of it actually comes out, but it will have to do. After jumping out of his shower, Cyrus hurries to get dressed. He picks out a discrete sweatshirt just in case they spot his parents while they’re at the show. Just as he finishes combing and styling his hair, TJ knocks.

“Hey,” Cyrus greets, opening the door.

TJ’s lips part. “Hey, underdog.”

A piece of Cyrus’s damp hair falls from its spot to in front of his eye. Before he can move to fix it, TJ reaches forward and uses his hand to brush it back up into place. As TJ pulls away again, his fingertip brush across Cyrus’s forehead briefly. Cyrus tilts his head upward in awe.

“We should probably get going,” TJ mentions, hand back down at his side. “We don’t want to be late.”

“Yeah.”

Despite their worry about being late, they take their time walking toward TJ’s Jeep. Cyrus notices that throughout all their time spent together, they’ve slowly moved closer together when they walk. At first, it was a good couple of feet between them. A few feet moved to one foot, and now one foot has moved to their shoulders bumping and hands brushing with every step.

They drive to the familiar Santa Cruz Boardwalk. It’s strange how different it feels now compared to when he and TJ came out here. Bustling crowds, flashing lights, and patriotic music blasting through the speakers make it feel more like the carnival it was meant to be than a place of solitude. The boardwalk that he and TJ sat at just the other night feels like a completely different setting even though they’re currently walking across it. The rides are turned on instead of being dark and still. Children scream, the amusement rides squeak and clatter, and vendor stands crowd the sidelines.

“The firework show is here?” Cyrus confirms.

TJ nods. “Yup! I mean, this boardwalk is like the staple of Santa Cruz.”

“I can tell. It looks like the whole town is here.”

The nerves in his voice must be evident, as TJ touches his arm and takes a step closer. Cyrus unconsciously leans inward. With TJ by his side, the world suddenly feels a little smaller and a little less overwhelming.

“So, I figured we’d work up to the big roller coaster. What do you want to go on first?” TJ questions.

Cyrus looks around. None of the rides look appealing. The first thing he spots is the carousel in the center of the plaza, spinning lazy circles. It brings back some horrific memories that made Cyrus so wary of rides in the first place. TJ notices him staring at the spinning death trap and nudges his shoulder.

“Wanna go on that?” He wonders.

Cyrus shakes his head vehemently. “God no! I am forever traumatized because of carousels.”

“Wait, now you _have_ to tell me!”

“It’s embarrassing!”

“How about this: I’ll share something embarrassing that happened to me at a carnival, and you tell my why you’re traumatized by a merry-go-round,” TJ offers.

“You? Embarrassed? Okay, this I have to hear. It’s a deal.”

“Can we at least do this over some food? I’m starving.”

Although he just ate dinner recently, Cyrus stomach growls from the scent of greasy, tooth-rotting food wafting through the area. They scope out a place to eat at, both eventually settling on the same place.

“Those pretzels are huge,” TJ mentions as someone walks past. “Wanna share one?”

Cyrus stutters, “Y-yeah, that would be cool.”

Soon, he and TJ are sitting on a bench together with TJ tearing off a hunk of pretzel for him. It burns his fingers as he takes it, but he doesn’t really mind. He begins tearing off pieces to eat while TJ just stuffs as much as possible in his mouth.

“Well, tell me your story,” Cyrus chuckles, watching TJ’s cheeks puff up from filling with food.

TJ chews and swallows. “Okay, okay. So my sister and I are twins, and for our birthday party one year we decided to go to this very place. We both invited a bunch of friends, and we were unsupervised for the first night ever. So there we were, and of course being competitive siblings, Amber dared me to go on this rollercoaster. I was terrified, but she teased me and called me chicken, and of course that was the last straw.”

Cyrus interjects with a laugh. “Being called a chicken was the last straw?”

“I was just a kid! Anyway, so I decided to do it, and even though I was terrified out of my mind, I still did it. So I got off at the end with Amber and all of our friends standing and watching me at the exit. That’s when it happened. I was climbing out of the ride when my shorts snagged on something. I didn’t even notice, too caught up in my excitement. My pants tore off, exposing me in just my underwear to all of them.”

Cyrus gasps, covering a hand over his mouth to hold back his laughter. “TJ! That’s awful!”

“It was,” He agrees. “So you’re story can’t be much worse.”

“Well, it was in middle school. I was on my first date, a double date, with this high school girl. We all went to an amusement park to hang out, and they wanted to go on the carousel. I got on, wanting to impress her, and immediately I started feeling sick. By the end, I couldn’t wait to get off. I ran as fast as I could, trying to find a place to puke from the motion sickness. Not being able to find anywhere, I reached down, pulled my shoe off, and threw up in it. Of course, she and the others saw me too.”

Although TJ is still listening, he doesn’t look as happy or amused as he did before. He seems angry, if anything. Why would he be angry?

“That sucks,” TJ agrees, face suddenly deadpan. “Sorry that happened.”

Still confused, Cyrus hesitantly responds. “Yeah, it wasn’t fun. I…TJ, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You just suddenly seem upset. Did I do something wrong?”

TJ finishes off his pretzel and wipes his hands on his shorts with a sigh. “No, you didn’t do anything. It was just me being dumb.”

Cyrus frowns, scooting closer. TJ scoots away. He decides not to push it, staying a respectful distance and clasping his hands in his lap. The air suddenly feels thicker between them, a tenseness that never existed forming with rigor.

“Is she still your girlfriend?” TJ asks suddenly. “That girl in your story, I mean.”

“Oh,” Cyrus replies quietly. “No, she’s not.”

They lapse back into silence. Cyrus opens his mouth again, but words refuse to form. He feels like he’s spinning from the merry-go-round all over again, thoughts tumbling through his head at such an alarming rate that it makes him dizzy. All the sudden, he feels like he’s a shy middle schooler again who’s still trying to find his way in the world. The insecurity flares back up, causing dissonance between his past and present self. It hasn’t been this difficult in a while to admit his true self, but then again, he hasn’t needed to go through the process since the beginning of high school. In a small town, word gets around fast. The idea of coming out to someone once again terrifies him. The worst part, Cyrus realizes, is that he’s cursed to go through this the rest of his life.

The thing that terrifies him the most is that this is TJ. This is the boy who he’s grown indescribably closer to than anyone he’s ever met over the course of a few weeks. This is the boy who’s helped support him throughout it all, so the thought that he might not support Cyrus now makes him quiver in place. This is the boy who never ceases to surprise him. This is the boy who, through the course of this past month, Cyrus has unequivocally fallen for despite his attempts to ignore it.

“TJ,” Cyrus’s voice bursts out of nowhere; even Cyrus himself doesn’t expect it. However, it seems like his mouth moves faster than his mind. “I-I need to tell you something.”

The other boy’s rigid features contort to something softer and more inviting. “You can tell me anything, Cy.”

His heartbeat sounds in his ears. “I, um, there’s a reason that girl and I didn’t really work out. She wasn’t really, uh, my type…I mean. I don’t really—I don’t like girls, like that.”

TJ’s face morphs from a look of confusion to a look of understanding. “ _Oh._ ”

_Oh._

An indefinite word, a dangerous word. A word full of possibilities and meanings, some good and some very bad.

Cyrus clenches his fists, digging his nails into his palms to try and keep his nerves at bay. Half of him wants TJ to continue, to say something more, to explain his feelings, but the other half of him just wants to hide away from judgement, never accepting his fate.

Unwillingly, his eyes burn while trying to hold back tears. The celebration happening behind them suddenly blends together in a blur of colors and noises, one not distinguishable from the next.

TJ opens his mouth to speak.

At the same time, Cyrus hears familiar voices heading their way.

“Cyurs,” TJ begins with a deep breath.

“Shh!” Cyrus shushes him. “My parents!”

He then grabs TJ by the wrist, tugging him in the opposite direction. They jog together, Cyrus not letting go of TJ’s wrist. Finally, Cyrus spots a secluded place, a section between the back of two carnival buildings, and slows to a halt. For an awkward moment, he forgets he’s holding TJ’s wrist until TJ clears his throat, causing Cyrus to immediately drop it and take a large step away.

Cyrus looks down at the ground. “Sorry. And thanks for helping me not get caught.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

The narrow, empty hideaway is shadowed in near darkness. Only the flashing neon signs from back on the main boardwalk illuminate their faces. The booming tunes echoing throughout the boardwalk can even be heard at their spot, although the sound twists and distorts as it bounces off the walls.

“Can’t you just be done with it already?” Cyrus spits out as he paces endlessly.

TJ frowns, having the decency to act confused. “What?”

Cyrus laughs, a bitter noise. “It’s obvious by how you’re acting what you think of me. Don’t worry, I’m used to it. The sideways glances of disgust, the murmurs. Most people aren’t like that, but some are, so I got used to it. I guess I just never expected—from you, of all people—to be like that.”

“Cyrus—”

“I think I’m just going to go home now.”

As he turns to leave in the opposite direction, TJ drops a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait! It’s really not what you think, I promise.”

Cyrus hesitates, hearing the desperation in his voice. He gnaws on his lip, debating to himself whether to keep walking. TJ never takes his hand off Cyrus’s shoulder, even as Cyrus stands there intaking deep breaths. All he knows for sure is that whatever happens next could change his whole summer experience.

He turns back toward TJ. “Does me being gay make you uncomfortable?”

The question comes as a shock to them both.

“No! Never.” TJ answers. “And I’m sorry, for my reaction I mean. I guess that _‘oh’_ wasn’t the best think to say after you came out to me.”

“You think? From all my experience in life so far, I’ve learned that the words ‘oh’ and ‘um’ usually mean something bad.”

“Yeah, I know, it was messed up. I guess I was just surprised because I…”

Cyrus raises an eyebrow, stepping closer again. TJ’s eyes sweep across Cyrus’s face before dropping toward the ground.

“Because what?”

TJ sighs. “Nothing. I was just surprised you’d tell me something that personal.”

Now, his tone almost seems degrading and insecure, a voice Cyrus has seldom heard from TJ. It makes him want to pull the boy into a huge hug and never let go, but he holds back for now.

“You’re my friend, TJ, a really good friend. Of course, I’d tell you.”

TJ doesn’t say anything for a bit, but Cyrus chalks it up to the eventful night they’ve had so far. Eventually, TJ finally smiles.

“You’re a good friend, too.”

 

* * *

 

_You’re my friend._

_A **really good** friend._

_F r i e n d._

What can TJ say to that? _I don’t want to be friends with you, Cyrus._ That certainly wouldn’t come across right. _I think that I might have feelings for you?_ Still not good enough. _Every time I’m with you, my heart pounds uncontrollably. I actually feel normal for once. You make me feel normal. When I’m not around you, all I can think about is your eyes, your laugh, the cute little dimple that shows when you smile extra wide—_

TJ realizes that Cyrus is waiting for him to say something. Of all the thoughts running through his mind, he wants nothing more than to admit his feelings for the other boy. Then, he remembers his father. His stares, his unnatural actions around TJ after seeing him with Marty, the lack of affection toward him, everything—and TJ freezes up. He can’t do it.

“You’re a good friend, too,” is all TJ can stammer out because it’s true, Cyrus is a good friend, one of the best he’s ever known.

He smiles at Cyrus, although behind the smile lies disappointment, not with Cyrus but with himself. All this time, Cyrus thought he was the cowardly one while TJ was the brave one just because TJ helped him overcome his numerous and (according to Cyrus) silly fears. In all actuality, though, this entire time Cyrus has been braver than him. Cyrus has been the one brave enough to conquer all these hopes and fears of his, even if he didn’t want to. He was the one brave enough to come out to TJ. TJ isn’t brave at all. He can’t even face his own oldest fear of all: his father. The root of almost all his problems.

“Is it okay if we finish off my bucket list?” Cyrus questions unsurely.  

TJ swallows, feeling a pang in his chest. “Yeah, of course.”

At that moment, TJ decides he can’t let his feelings come in the way of the best friendship he’s ever had. Cyrus deserves to have someone to support him no matter what, and TJ will be there to do just that.

“Actually, I have an idea on how to build up to going on the roller coaster,” TJ mentions.

“How?”

“Redemption.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m not sure this is a good idea, TJ,” Cyrus stutters, “I don’t want to throw up in my shoe again.”

“Hey, you’ll be alright. You said you’ve gotten over your motion sickness now, right?”

“Well yeah, but—”

“Trust me, it will be fine. And if it makes you feel any better, I promise I wouldn’t judge you for throwing up in your shoe.”

Cyrus rolls his eyes but follows the gesture with a laugh and nod. Grinning, they pair get in line. They stand out in the crowd, as besides from the adults, they’re pretty much the only teenagers in line. Before meeting Cyrus, TJ would have been much more worried about judgement, but now he’s just excited to help Cyrus out.

The line doesn’t take too long, and by the time they get to the front Cyrus looks like he’s ready to bolt. Honestly, he looks like he might throw up before he even steps foot on the carousel. Still, he doesn’t try to back out. A determined look is set on his face. His aura radiates confidence to TJ. Even if it’s not visible to most, TJ has gotten to know Cyrus over the last few weeks well enough to become familiar with his typical self-presentation. Normally, Cyrus puts himself down, berating himself and telling himself he’s too scared or not good enough, but now he seems different. He’ll probably never be completely confident; that’s just Cyrus’s personality. But tonight, he feels more like himself than he ever has before. It makes TJ fall for him even harder.

TJ pays for the ride, despite Cyrus’s protests, and they climb on to two adjacent, painted horses. Cyrus clings to the pole, knees wobbling. The ever-familiar carousel tunes play out of fuzzy speakers from the top of the ride.

“Ready underdog?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

The ride lurches to a start. Cyrus clutches on tighter to the pole if that’s even possible. TJ watches nervously as Cyrus begins to cradle his stomach with one arm. He really hopes he didn’t just encourage Cyrus to get on a ride that traumatizes him again. A few seconds later, however, Cyrus lets go and beams over at TJ.

“I’m doing it!” He shouts, just barely audible over the parade of people and the noises coming from the ride.

TJ smiles, relieved. “You’re doing it!”

The carousel ride only lasts about a minute. When they climb off their horses, Cyrus can’t stop talking about it. He’s so elated about overcoming his past. TJ doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing and watching Cyrus being proud of himself.

“I didn’t throw up! I didn’t even feel sick. Maybe I can ride this roller coaster!” Cyrus rambles as they walk back into the midst of the crowd.

“You _will_ ride a roller coaster, underdog. I told you, you can do anything you put your mind to.”

Cyrus cheeks look red, but the lights shining down on them are patriotic colored so it must just be a trick of the light.

They continue walking around and finding rides to go on. TJ makes sure to steer Cyrus clear of the most intense rides. They find a spinning airplane ride that goes faster and higher than a carousel but not too fast. While they wait in a slightly longer line for this ride, Cyrus still seems nervous, but his excitement is taking over. TJ offers to pay again and ends up successful, but not without a fight.

TJ and Cyrus share a plane. The squeeze is tight; they’re arm to arm and leg to leg. TJ just hopes that Cyrus can’t feel how sweaty he is. As the ride starts, Cyrus begins to laugh and shriek with joy. It makes TJ so happy that he can’t help but laugh alongside him.

With limited time, they pick a few more various rides to go on, each scarier than the last. Pulses pounding, the boys run off the most recent ride with matching grins. Although he’s shaky, Cyrus appears to be enjoying himself. The sight makes TJ’s heart flutter wildly.

“I think it’s time,” TJ decides, leading Cyrus in front of the big, wooden roller coaster.

Cyrus gapes as he tilts his head upward to take it all in. TJ doesn’t blame him; the roller coaster does look daunting with its rickety old tracks and the ear numbing clatter of the cars as they roll overhead. The screams from this ride are the loudest.

“TJ, I-I’m not sure I can do this,” Cyrus admits, continuing to stare up at the coaster. “I mean, those other rides weren’t so high…”

“Hey, listen, when I said you will ride a roller coaster, I meant it. How about some incentive? I’ll win you a stuffed animal if you go on this ride with me.”

“A stuffed animal? Do you really think you can win me over with a stuffed animal? Because, if so, you’re completely right! Let’s go before I change my mind.”

The line on this one is the longest of all, giving Cyrus more time to back out if he chooses. Even TJ is nervous to go on this roller coaster after his bad memories not on the coaster, but afterwards. While they stand there waiting, Cyrus picks up on his anxiousness like a pro.

“This is the roller coaster where it happened, right?”

TJ nods in response. “I’m not really nervous to ride it, but just being back here again brings back that memory along with a lot more, especially with Amber.”

“Why?”

“Amber and I used to be super close, like best friends close. We did everything together.”

“What happened?”

 _Cowardcowardcoward._ “Just my dad’s death. It messed us all up.” _Some more than others._

“I’m sorry, that really sucks. You know, I always wished I had another sibling. I know it’s probably tough most of the time, but being twins especially gives you a connection you can never have with another person. I’m not trying to make you feel bad at all, by the way. I just…sometimes I wonder what it would be like.”

“It was great some of the time,” TJ agrees. “Actually, we haven’t been fighting as much anymore, either. Just the other day we hung out a bit.”

“That’s great, TJ.”

They continue to chat idly while the line moves. Although the added layer of tension still seems to exist for TJ at least, the conversation comes easier than it has with anyone else. Besides for TJ’s sister, they don’t talk about too personal of things. Cyrus tells stories of his friends and adventures back in Shadyside, while TJ tells him what is was like to grow up on the beach. For TJ, the line ends too soon.

“Why do we have to be in the front row?” Cyrus whines, hands already tightened around the handle even though the ride hasn’t started moving.

“The front row is better,” TJ says. “Then, you can see what’s coming. Plus, it’s not as bumpy if I remember right.”

Cyrus straps himself in, tightening his seatbelt so much that it looks like a corset. The mandatory safety rules play over the speakers, and while Cyrus pays rapt attention, TJ zones out, not able to focus on anything but the boy right beside him.

Finally, an employee presses a button, and the chains begin to carry the cart up a long, steep hill. Cyrus’s eyes are glued to his feet, legs and arms locked in position. Even if TJ wanted to speak to Cyrus, he couldn’t, as the clanging from the chains carrying up the hill is too deafening. Once they do reach the very top of the largest hill, the roller coaster cart pauses for a second as TJ and Cyrus stare over the edge. Then, the cart teeters over, sending them racing downward at full speed. Wind bites at TJ’s face. He can feel his hands vibrating while he holds onto the bar in front of them.

Cyrus screeches as they begin their descent. When TJ sneaks a glance over at him, the fear present on his face is comically present. Wide eyes, white knuckled grip, wide open screaming mouth, and a pale face. After the first, tallest hill, the remainder of the ride is still bumpy but less fast. Cyrus’s screams soften; now, he simply seems to be shrieking from joy or adrenaline. By the time the ride is over, TJ’s ears are ringing from Cyrus as well as the roar of the roller coaster, but it’s all worth it.

They get off (carefully, in TJ’s case) and head down the ramp toward the exit. Once they get back to the ground, Cyrus throws himself at TJ, arms wrapping around his neck.

“I did it! I thought I was gonna die but I didn’t!” Cyrus laughs still hyped up.

Tenderly, TJ wraps his arms around Cyrus’s waist. “You did it!”

Cyrus pulls away pretty quickly, and immediately TJ misses the warmth of his body and the feeling of his hair brushing against TJ’s neck.

“And now you owe me a prize.”

“Alright, underdog, let’s go.”

They meander about the carnival as TJ tries to find some game he’ll be able to win at. Luckily, they don’t encounter Cyrus’s parents while walking around. Finally, they do approach a game TJ will be good at: basketball. He pays for one round, taking the mini ball in his hands while Cyrus stands beside him in support.

TJ shoots the ball like he normally would, but soon finds that this stupid game is a lot harder than regular basketball. First, it’s for sure rigged, as every time the ball is about to go straight in, it veers off course unexpectedly. Not to mention, the added pressure for winning something for Cyrus doesn’t help. He only manages to get one basket, ultimately winning a tiny, stuffed lizard the size of his palm.

“Here’s your grand prize!” TJ announces with defeat, passing him the gecko.

Cyrus cups it in his hands as if it could scamper away. He giggles, smile blossoming across his face as he looks at the small prize.

“It’s perfect, Teej.”

Despite Cyrus’s reassurances that the prize is great, TJ continues to find carnival games to try and play to redeem himself. Partially, he’s doing it to win Cyrus something bigger, but he’s also just doing it to spend more time with the boy before the fireworks. TJ’s efforts don’t seem to pay off, as the next games he goes to he wins nothing.

“Wait, TJ, can I try one?” Cyrus asks.

At this question, they go to find a game for Cyrus. Eventually, Cyrus decides on a whack-a-mole game because of the colossal dinosaurs hanging from the top of the hut. This time, Cyrus insists he pay since he’s the one playing.

Although TJ has confidence in Cyrus, he doesn’t expect Cyrus to last for more than a few seconds. Much to his surprise, Cyrus continues whacking, hitting every single one. The machine racks up points, red numbers growing higher and higher. Eventually, there’s a triumphant dinging noise that sounds from the machine. The words GRAND PRIZE flash across the screen in bold, capitalized letters.

“Holy shit, Cyrus, where did that come from?!” TJ gasps as the booth attendant hands Cyrus a colorful triceratops that’s practically the same size as him.

“One of my only talents is winning stupid, rigged carnival games,” Cyrus explains with a bashful laugh.

“You should have been the one playing these this entire time! We could have had the whole park cleared out by now.”

“Yeah, but it was fun to watch you try so hard.”

TJ didn’t know it was possible to like someone so much. Holding the prodigious dinosaur beside him, face alight from the game screens, Cyrus looks extraordinarily adorable. His hair is ruffled up from the roller coaster earlier, eyes bright with excitement. TJ’s eyes wander down toward his lips for a moment before forcing his gaze away.

For almost his entire life, TJ has done many things he’s regretted. He regrets not joining the local conservation club in elementary school. He regrets growing apart from his sister. He regrets hanging out with Reed and Lester. For once, TJ wants to live a day with no regrets, no empty wishes or missing dreams. It’s almost ten o’clock. He doesn’t have much time left.

TJ stares up at the stars. How can he find the courage? How can he dare to be himself after being pushed down for so much of his life? He looks at Cyrus, the boy who has always been there for him to talk, the boy who’s helped distract him from all the chaos in this messed up world, the boy who found his own courage to come out to TJ. Without Cyrus, TJ wouldn’t even be considering this right now.

At that moment, TJ realizes where his recent courage has all stemmed from: Cyrus. Cyrus gives him the courage to think and achieve things he never thought possible. He inspires TJ to become the best person TJ can be. If TJ hadn’t met Cyrus this summer, he knows he’d be off smoking and hanging out with Reed and Lester right now. Only Cyrus could give him the courage to challenge everything he once knew and normal and make positive changes.

“I want to go on another ride,” TJ claims.

“Another? I don’t know if I can handle another crazy ride after that roller coaster.”

“It’s not crazy, I promise. I just really need to do this. Trust me?”

Trust. It’s such a strange concept. Trust, TJ has learned throughout his lifetime, is something that comes automatic. As a child, you trust and trust, because why wouldn’t someone have your best intentions at heart? No, trust isn’t learned, mistrust is the thing that’s learned. From betrayal, from heartache, anything that makes you regret confiding in someone builds your mistrust. Sometimes, with people like TJ, your mistrust piles so high that it’s like a brick wall full of lies. After that, it’s hard to let trust back in again, even for one person, yet TJ finds himself trusting Cyrus more than he’s trusted anyone in a long while. Cyrus is making is brick wall start to crumble.

“I trust you,” Cyrus says, void of any possible sarcasm.

He leads Cyrus to the center of the boardwalk. The crowd is dying down, probably flocking to the beach for a clear view of the fireworks. But TJ has a different plan. An idiotic, brilliant, nerve wracking plan. In front of them stands the ferris wheel, towering high above the boardwalk, even higher than the roller coaster. There’s hardly anyone in line.

Thankfully, Cyrus doesn’t question anything yet. Even if he did, TJ knows he couldn’t explain it. They get in line, and TJ makes sure to pay the employee for plenty of rides around when they get to the front.

It feels like a lifetime that they’re waiting, but in reality, it’s only a few minutes until they get onto the ferris wheel. They set their prizes across from them in the round seat while Cyrus sits next to him. Soon, it begins carrying them farther and farther up until the sound from below is just faint background noise. Cyrus gasps as he gazes out across the boardwalk, and TJ also finds himself impressed with the gorgeous view.

Not only is the entire boardwalk visible from here, but also the long beach and endless sea. The stars aren’t as visible tonight, but TJ knows they’re behind the cloud cover, sparkling out in space. The wind blows cooler up so high, and the atmosphere is more serene. Colorful fair signs and lights blur together into one large mesh of colors.

“Woah,” Cyrus comments. “This is…amazing.”

“Yeah, it really is.”

They reach the peak of the ferris wheel when it comes to a stop, probably to let more people on, but TJ likes to believe its fate. Everything is quiet. TJ panics, sucking in a deep breath. His eyes land on Cyrus, who offers him a smile. _Find the courage._

“I, uh, brought you up here for a reason,” TJ begins, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “I just…I’ve been trying to find the courage to admit this for a long time, but I’ve never been able to. But you inspired me, Cy. You’re so unbelievably brave.”

Cyrus scoffs. “Brave? Are you kidding TJ?”

“You’re the one who pushed yourself to conquer your summer bucket list, even if I did help you out. In the end, you’re the one who made the final leap. Throughout all of this, you’ve been the one trying all these new things, becoming more confident. I want to be as brave as you, and tonight especially made me realize that.”

“Teej—” Cyrus sniffles.

“Wait, just let me finish. I don’t know…I don’t think I’ll be able to say it if I stop now. I have something important to tell you. When you admitted you were gay to me, my reaction wasn’t just because I was surprised, it was—it was because I’d been failing to admit to myself and others for the longest time that I-I was okay for feeling the way I do because of some rough judgement in my past, but you made me brave, underdog. You always make me brave. And now, I can admit to you and myself for the first time that I-I like boys, Cyrus.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Cyrus gasps, yanking him into a hug. TJ feels his heart pounding out of his chest. “You did it, TJ. You’re brave, too.”

“There’s something else, though,” TJ continues, pulling back much to his own dismay. “I think you’re amazing, and I don’t know how else to say this other than just blurt it right out. I like you, Cyrus Goodman, I like you a lot.”

Cyrus laughs giddily. “I like you a lot too, TJ Kippen. I like you so much.”

All the anxiety and tension built up in his body from that night fades away in an instant. All that’s left is an immense sense of relief and joy. He giggles, scooting closer to Cyrus once again. The ferris wheel is moving again, but all TJ can focus on is the boy sitting beside him.

An explosion of light and color bursts above them. The firework show has begun. Brilliant reds light up the sky, followed by silver, trailing streaks. Below them, people cheer and clap with glee. Cyrus jumps, startled at the initial booming sound of the first firework. Instinctively, TJ brings him in close to his side, wrapping one arm around his shoulders.

“It’s done,” Cyrus breathes. “I can’t believe we completed my list.”

Fireworks continue to shoot off in the distance, an orchestra of lights and sound playing right overhead.

“I’m so proud of you!” TJ congratulates, bringing him into another hug.

Cyrus laughs, his voice barely audible over the exploding fireworks. As they pull out of yet another hug, TJ’s heart feels so full. They’re impossibly close to each other now, noses nearly touching. Neither of them attempts to move away. They stay still, breathing in each other’s air.

They can’t resist for much longer though. Both surge in at the same time, noses initially knocking together before TJ tilts his head to compensate. Their lips meet clumsily, and TJ brings a hand to Cyrus’s shoulder while he feels fingers caress the side of his face. Cyrus’s lips are soft and sweet, just like he imagined. Everything about this feels so _right._

They separate, breathless. The fireworks illuminate their faces as they giggle with each other. TJ feels exhilarated.

“Fireworks, literal fireworks,” Cyrus jokes, resting his forehead against TJ’s own.

“You’re not funny,” TJ says, contradicting his continued laughter.

“But you still like me!”

“Yeah, I really do.”

In endings, there are also beginnings.

                                                


	12. window to the soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize ahead of time because this chapter is not nearly as good as the last, but I felt like we kind of needed a smaller chapter as a bridge/filler after that last huge one. I hope you all still enjoy it!

_July 5: Santa Cruz, California_

When Cyrus wakes up the next morning, everything last night feels like a dream. He blinks, orienting himself back in reality. He picks up his phone, hurriedly opening his messages. At the top is TJ’s name. He opens it and reads over their texts again. It puts a relieved grin on his face. As he reads the texts over and over, he recounts what happened after their kiss.

_By the time they step off the ferris wheel, Cyrus’s legs are shaky, and the world is dizzying. Much of the crowd has started clearing out, the fireworks having just ended after the grand finale. Back on the earth, everything hits Cyrus full force. This entire night has been a whirlwind of overwhelming thoughts and emotions. Then, for a bit, it was just him and TJ on top of the world together, a blissful serenity overtaking them. Now, with the constant sensory inputs barraging him, everything becomes too much._

_Then, TJ grabs his hand. At first, it’s just a hesitant nudge of his larger fingers. Then, as Cyrus slowly unclutches his hand, fingers slot between fingers until their hands fully intertwine. It’s him and TJ. The roar from everything around them quiets to a bearable whisper as he simply concentrates on the feeling of TJ’s hand laced with his own. Warm, soft, home._

_It’s odd, Cyrus remembers, because so far nothing in Santa Cruz has really reminded him of home. Sure, there’s been little similarities, like an ice cream shop with the same specialty flavors as in Shadyside, or an odd street name that happens to match one just a few blocks away from him. But all of those have simply been blips reminding him of what he’s missing. This feeling he has with TJ, this affection and caring, now this feels more like home than anything he could have possibly imagined._

_Suddenly, Cyrus’s eyes catch the grand clock face hanging high above a cluster of buildings. Illuminated by the light of the carnival dwindling down for the night, he can just barely make out where the hands are pointing toward._

_“Damn it!” Cyrus curses._

_TJ squeezes his hand. “What’s wrong?”_

_“The time! My parents! I-I can’t be gone when they get back, Teej. They’ll kill me!”_

_“Hey, hey. It will be alright. If we hurry, I bet we can beat them back.”_

_Cyrus nods, chewing on his lip. The boys start running together as fast as they can. It’s difficult, though, with TJ clutching his giant stuffed prize and Cyrus holding his own stuffed lizard. Still, their hands never separate. Cyrus uses not wanting to get lost in the crowd and separated as an excuse, but the truth is he just never wants to let go of TJ’s hand._

_They make it back to TJ’s Jeep and hop inside. After clicking on their seatbelts, TJ starts the engine and floors it out of the parking lot so fast that Cyrus hangs onto the side of his seat for dear life._

_“I don’t want to die before I get back either!” He comments._

_“Please, Underdog, as if I’d let anything happen to you.”_

_Cyrus blushes. Before, that type of comment from TJ would also make him blush. Now, though, with things so different, so new, between them, TJ’s words hold all the more meaning._

_TJ gets them back to Cyrus’s hotel in record time. Cyrus chastised him for speeding too much, but TJ promised he never went more than five miles over the speed limit._

_Thankfully, as the pull into the parking lot, Cyrus can’t spot their cars anywhere. They must have beat them back. TJ drives up right in front of his hotel room door and shuts the car off. Meanwhile, Cyrus draws in a deep breath and blows it out to calm himself down._

_“We made it back in time,” Cyrus giggles, feeling hysterical about everything that’s happened thus far._

_“I’m glad your parents aren’t going to kill you,” TJ replies, smiling. “I would miss you too much.”_

_Cyrus doesn’t know how it happened, but suddenly they’re inches away from each other. TJ’s hand rests against the top of Cyrus’s seat, while Cyrus’s elbow leans against the compartment between them. Everything is dark and quiet. The sounds of them breathing in synch is like thunder._

_“Cy,” TJ whispers._

_Unable to control himself, Cyrus pushes forward while simultaneously looping one arm behind TJ’s neck and tugging him closer. They bump noses a few times before their lips finally meet in a confident kiss. TJ’s hands travel up to Cyrus’s face, tentatively cupping his cheeks. The air is stolen from both of their lungs, but neither releases to draw in breath until the last possible second. Cyrus doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of kissing TJ._

_A pair of headlights from the road above them startles them._

_“Oh my god, that’s my parents!” Cyrus hisses in a panic._

_“Hurry! Get out!” TJ urges, practically pushing him out the door._

_Cyrus scrambles to his feet and toward the back door in hope that he’ll be less likely to be spotted. He hears TJ’s Jeep sputter to life and speed away just as the headlights from his parent’s car beam into the parking lot. Cyrus fumbles with the keys, missing the lock a few times before he’s finally able to slide it in and rush indoors._

_He locks the door behind him and practically sprints into his sofa bed. He yanks the covers up to his chin in order to hide the clothes adorning him. Then, he ruffles his hair up a bit, buries his face into his pillow, and shuts his eyes just as he hears the lock on the front door clicking open. He attempts to even out his breath._

_“Shh, he’s asleep,” his mother whispers to his stepdad as they tiptoe past his bed._

_Cyrus concentrates on his breathing as his mother approaches him. He stays as still as humanly possible while his mom leans down and presses a soft kiss to his forehead._

_Finally, they walk out of the room, closing their bedroom door gently behind them. Cyrus doesn’t dare to move for at least another few minutes until he’s certain his parents won’t come back out again._

_Then, he flips onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. A grin spreads across his face that he can’t conceal any longer. TJ likes him back. TJ kissed him. Everything on his mind is TJ, TJ, TJ. The excitement from the night refuses to loosen its hold. His heart continues to race._

_Suddenly, his phone lights up. Only one person could be texting him right now._

_TJ <3: made it in okay?_

_Cyrus: parents didn’t suspect a thing!_

_TJ <3: that’s good. _

_TJ <3: talk soon?_

_Cyrus: of course!_

_TJ <3: goodnight, cy x _

_Cyrus: goodnight teej_

_Feeling fulfilled, Cyrus drops his phone back down onto the table beside him. He gets changed into some actual pajamas before curling up into bed. As he falls asleep, the only thought on his mind is the kiss he and TJ shared._

The past night plays in Cyrus’s head on repeat. The lizard TJ won for him is stowed in his backpack, away from his parent’s prying eyes. He picks it up, clutching it to his chest for a moment before gingerly placing it back inside his bag.

Everything is different now.

It’s new, it’s frightening, it’s exhilarating. Being with someone has never felt so right. All Cyrus wants to do in be with him. Despite his unwillingness to go to Santa Cruz, at first, now he doesn’t want to leave.

“You look happy this morning,” Cyrus’s stepfather comments as he makes a pot of coffee.

Cyrus replies. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Good, because we have a big day planned today.”

Normally, Cyrus would be dragging his feet at the thought of spending yet another never-ending day with his family, most likely at the beach. Today, though, his outlook on everything is so much more positive. Even though he wants nothing more than to see spend time with TJ, he also feels more connected to him than ever before, no matter where he’s at.

Not only that, but Cyrus doesn’t really know where they stand. He would love nothing more than for them to be officially dating, but he isn’t quite sure if TJ is ready for that. Maybe with the day to think, TJ will know exactly what he wants. Maybe he already does. Cyrus hopes for the second option.

But he doesn’t want to pressure TJ. He knows better than anyone that admitting your true self to someone else, let alone yourself, is incredibly difficult. The toll it takes on you can sometimes be unbearable. Cyrus struggled with his sexuality for years. It took him ages to finally be confident enough to ask a boy on a date in high school. TJ might be the same way.

Cyrus gets prepared for the day, a hopeful skip in his step. Tomorrow starts today, and for once, he’s ready for it.

 

* * *

 

“I’m gay,” TJ mutters into the mirror, eyes cast downward. “TJ Kippen is gay.”

He swallows back the lump in his throat. It’s one simple phrase, yet no words have ever been so hard to say out loud. He wishes he could go back in time and never come out to his father. Maybe then, he wouldn’t be having such a difficult time admitting this to himself. Maybe he’d be happier, more confident. Maybe his father would still be here.

“Fuck,” TJ swears, hands shaking as he runs them through his hair for the hundredth time that morning.

Too stressed out to think, TJ rummages through his drawer until he finds a cigarette and lighter. He cracks open his window, watching the flame as it flickers to life. He sucks in a deep breath, feeling lighter already. He takes a few drags before his mind starts wandering to Cyrus. What would Cyrus think of him if he saw him now? A complete wreck, for sure. A disaster.

TJ snubs out his cigarette on his windowsill before heading back to his bathroom mirror with determination. He won’t let his reflection beat him.

“I like Cyrus Goodman,” he states, staring at himself challengingly. “I really like Cyrus Goodman.”

The words feel right on his tongue. Maybe he can’t quite admit to himself his identity yet, but he does know for certain how he feels about a certain brunette. He’s confident in that fact at least.

A knock on his bedroom door startles him. He frowns, walking and opening it. In front of it is his sister, Amber. TJ is confused. Amber hasn’t set foot in his room for years, yet here she is standing in front of him.

“What do you want?” TJ asks.

“I just…do you want to watch a movie with me?”

TJ blinks. “Watch a movie? Are you kidding?”

Amber crosses her arms and rolls her eyes in frustration. “You could have just said no. You didn’t have to be an asshole about it.”

“I never said no! I was just surprised, I guess.”

Nodding, Amber turns to leave, but before she does that, she takes a quick peak around TJ’s room, wrinkling her nose. “You live in a pigsty.”

Some things will never change.

TJ chuckles to himself before going down to join Amber who is already lounging on the couch. TJ sits beside her, keeping distance between them. After all, this is completely uncharted territory. It’s one thing to go to a store with her where they are only in each other’s vicinities for a few minutes, but it’s a completely different thing to be next to each other for a few hours.

“What are we watching?”

“I was thinking The Book Thief. I’ve been wanting to watch it for a while now.”

TJ’s heart clenches. If anything is fate, it would be this moment. The universe is sending him a sign. Now, he just needs to decide whether to take it.

It's an easy choice.

_“Ok.”_

Amber finds the movie on Netflix and pressed play. The movie begins, and TJ is thrust back into the familiar world and characters. It’s good, but nothing compared to the book itself. Then again, maybe it’s Cyrus’s writing that makes it all the better. Either way, he kind of wishes Amber didn’t choose this movie because now she’ll have to see him cry like a baby at the end.

Amazingly, the next hours are spent with eyes focused on the screen. No insults are tossed back and forth to each other, no shoving each other for space even when they get closer toward the middle. They may not be conversing, but the two of them are there together. TJ figures that’s all that really matters.

As he watches the movie, he becomes more and more certain of what he needs to do.

A quote from the novel enters his mind. _“If your eyes could speak, what would they say?”_

TJ knows the answer now.

 


	13. sweet love

_July 6: Santa Cruz, California_

“I have something important to tell you.”

TJ takes deep breaths as he rehearses to himself in the mirror. Each time he says it, it only seems to get harder and sound more straggled. He groans, figuring that this is as good as it will get. Now, it’s time to meet up with Cyrus.

The entire drive to Cyrus’s hotel, he doubts his entire plan. What if Cyrus finds it dumb? TJ himself thinks it’s kind of dumb, but hopefully in a romantic way. He isn’t even sure why he’s so nervous. After all, he knows that him and Cyrus both have mutual feelings, but the lack of confirmation has TJ quaking. Hopefully, this speech will help.

So caught up in thoughts, he doesn’t even realize at first that he’s already there. Cyrus is already outside sitting on the curb and feet kicking idly at the gravel. It’s impossible for TJ not to smile when he sees him. Cyrus makes his heart fuller than it’s been in a long time.

Seeing the headlights, Cyrus looks up at the familiar car and waves with exuberance. His energy radiates to TJ as he waves back. Cyrus stands up, tripping in a typical Cyrus-fashion. He makes it to TJ’s car relatively unscathed, climbing inside with a smile as bright as sunshine.

“Hi TJ,” He greets.

“Cyrus,” TJ answers, wanting nothing more than to kiss him, but unsure of where they stand. Cyrus appears just as conflicted.

“What did you want to talk about?”

TJ taps his fingers against the steering wheel. “Actually, do you mind if we do this somewhere else?”

Cyrus nods, understanding as usual. TJ smiles faintly, pulling away from the curb and out toward the road before he loses his nerve. On the radio, “Rollercoaster” by Bleachers comes on. TJ almost laughs at the coincidence. Beside him, Cyrus starts humming along, most likely not knowing he’s doing it. TJ can’t help but wonder what Cyrus’s singing voice sounds like. He hopes he gets to heart it one day.

The spot TJ drives them to is a familiar one. It’s the spot on the edge off the cliff where him and Cyrus first talked. The night when TJ convinced him to take his first risk. If Cyrus wouldn’t have taken that leap, TJ wonders where they would be right now. Would they be hanging out? Would they have completed Cyrus’s list? Would they have fallen for each other?

“Remember this place?” TJ asks, heart leaping to his throat.

“Of course I do. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”

They step out of the car and into the darkness. Last time they were here feels like a lifetime ago because so much has changed since then. TJ knows he can never go to this spot again without thinking of Cyrus. In fact, there’s a lot of places he can’t go without thinking of Cyrus these days.

Once they reach the edge of the drop off, they sit down. TJ notices that although Cyrus maintains a safe distance, he sits closer to the edge than he did before. Smiling, TJ sits beside him as close as possible without making it too uncomfortable for him.

“I don’t think I could ever get tired of this place,” Cyrus decides, looking around. “And I can see some of the constellations from my present you gave me in the sky tonight.”

TJ looks up, and sure enough, he’s able to find some constellations as well. It makes the night even more perfect, which puts on the pressure for TJ’s speech. He tries not to rush his plan, but with every passing second, TJ feels like he’s forgetting more and more of it.

“I-I have something important to tell you,” TJ stutters, immediately capturing Cyrus’s attention.

Cyrus scoots a bit closer, making TJ lose his focus. “I’m all ears.”

“Well, I...” TJ swallows, feeling like he has a stone in his throat. “I figured that since you were brave enough to finish your list, I should do something on mine. I don’t really have a list, not like you at least, but I wanted to do something that scares me. Something that I’ve always wanted to do.”

TJ pauses, gauging Cyrus’s reaction. He mostly looks curious, eyes fixated on TJ and listening closely. His brown eyes are such a deep color that they’re almost black in the dark. His eyelashes are long and delicately thin. TJ forces himself to tear his glance away in order to finish.

“I’m not great with emotions. I’ve never been great with knowing them or showing them or allowing myself to feel them. But with you, everything has always been different. I-I wanted to tell you exactly how I feel. Cy, you…you’re one of the kindest people I have ever met as well as one of the bravest. You are so special compared to everyone I’ve known. I don’t think I’ve cared for a person this much in a long time. And I think you’re gorgeous. I don’t know exactly where my life will go or who I’ll become yet, but I do know that I am deeply and utterly in love with you.”

“Teej,” Cyrus murmurs, reaching for him. “That was so beautiful. You’re special, too. And brave. And I love you, too.”

They don’t need to say anything else. TJ grips Cyrus’s shoulders and leans in, unable to contain himself any longer. Cyrus is just as desperate, hands reaching up for TJ’s hair and running his fingers through it as they kiss. TJ swipes a tongue over Cyrus’s lips, and Cyrus opens his mouth in response.

When they pull apart a bit later, lips swollen and red, everything feels like it’s fallen into place. They cuddle into each other’s sides, not sparing any space. Cyrus’s head rests against TJ’s shoulder as they gaze out onto the water.

 

* * *

 

_July 8: Santa Cruz, California_

“I came up with a crazy idea.”

Cyrus sits on top of the counter, nibbling on a few crackers when he comes up with the plan. Immediately, he calls TJ up to get his opinion on it. Since the night of TJ’s speech, the two have been meeting up every night to hang out. Not to mention, they call each other constantly as well as text. So, it’s no surprise to TJ when he gets the call from Cyrus that afternoon.

“You? A crazy idea? I don’t think I believe that,” TJ jokes.

Cyrus snorts through the phone. “True. Crazy by my standards, I guess. I just was wondering…what if we hung out during the day?”

“How would we even do that? I mean, your parents are constantly with you, and I think I’m still technically on house arrest.”

“I know, I just, I want to see you more than after dark. Does that sound stupid?” Cyrus asks, biting his lip.

“No, I don’t think it sounds stupid. How would we make this work?”

“Would you be able to meet me at the ice cream shop that’s close to my hotel in about half an hour?”

TJ answers, “I should be able to pull it off. See you then.”

“Bye, TJ.”

Cyrus is the type of person who hates lying. It makes him feel guilty, but also makes him feel like a bad person in general. Recently, he’s lied a lot to his parents and friends, but it seems the further in he gets the further the lie goes. Now, he needs to reveal at least some of the truth to his parents, so he can spend more time with TJ. Hopefully, there will be a time when he can reveal the full truth, but today won’t be the day.

“Mom? Todd?” Cyrus calls out.

His parents head out of their room, already dressed up in beach gear. He swears that his parents think going to the beach is the only thing they can do in California.

“What is it Cyrus?” Todd wonders.

Cyrus hops down from the counter and puts the crackers back in the miniature cabinet. “Is it okay if I hang out with a friend today?”

“A friend?”

“Yeah, he wanted to go get some food this afternoon.”

His mother frowns, “Cyrus, I don’t know if we can let you go hang out with some boy we don’t know and in a strange town too.”

“Please? We just met at the beach down here. I think he lives close by,” Cyrus pleads, piling on the emotions when his parents seem unconvinced. “I really miss Buffy and Andi. I miss being able to hang out with friends my age. I was hoping this would help.”

That does it. His mother comes over and gives him a hug.

“I wish we knew you felt like this, sweetheart!” His mom says. “I think that we can make this work, as long as you make sure to keep your phone on and come back before dinner.”

Cyrus beams. “Of course! Thank you! I’ll just be at the small shopping center down the street. Please, don’t come and spy on me like you did that one time.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll resist, but only because I love you.”

Cyrus rolls his eyes playfully. “Love you, too.”

His mother sends him out the door with his backpack full of supplies, his phone, and a kiss on the forehead. Despite their overbearing tendencies, his parents have always been so supportive. He constantly questions why he hasn’t come out to them yet. He’s pretty certain they would be fine with it, as they’ve been vocal about LGBT rights before and they’re psychologists. Still, something has been stopping him. Maybe it’s the possibility, the sliver of a chance, that they won’t accept him. Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t want his parents pestering him and asking a bunch of questions about it.

Hopefully, he’ll be able to tell them before he goes to college. At least that way, if the worst possible outcome does happen, he’ll be leaving anyway.

Lost in thoughts, he arrives before he knows it. He gets there early like he usually does for anywhere he goes. Surprisingly, TJ is also there early. For some reason, TJ never seemed like the type of person to arrive somewhere early. Then again, there’s a lot of things that Cyrus didn’t expect from TJ.

“Hey,” Cyrus greets, sliding in the booth seat across from him.

TJ’s face instantly lights up. “Hey! You’re here early.”

“So are you.”

“Touché,” TJ laughs, reaching across the table to grab Cyrus’s hand.

Cyrus meets him halfway, stretching his arm out to clasp their hands. Even though they haven’t been apart for even a day, Cyrus found himself missing the feeling of TJ’s hand in his own. The warmth and comfort that it provides make Cyrus feel all giddy inside.

With everything that’s been happening this summer, it hasn’t felt normal at all. It seemed as if Cyrus was stuck inside a continuous, warped dream. Now, though, summer finally feels normal. Just him and his boyfriend on a date getting ice cream, another summer day. Maybe the boyfriend part is new and different, but otherwise it feels like the summer Cyrus always wanted to have with his friends back home.

They get their ice cream piled high into waffle cones. It drips all over the place, making their hands sticky and table filthy. It’s some of the best ice cream that Cyrus has ever tasted, but that’s probably just because of the person he’s with.

“You know, you’re really mysterious,” Cyrus comments between licks of ice cream.

TJ chuckles. “What? No, I’m not. Ask me anything!”

Cyrus eyes him, obviously deep in thought. “What does TJ stand for?”

“Wait, anything but that.”

“Please!” Cyrus begs, pulling out his best puppy dog eyes.

“Ugh okay, fine. But you can’t tell anyone else.”

“My lips are sealed!”

TJ leans in close to him, as if he’s about to share some super dramatic secret. He looks around at the few people roaming about the shop.

“Tyler James.”

Cyrus frowns and begins to laugh. “Wait, that’s it? I was expecting some kind of horrible monster name!”

“It is horrible!”

“It’s really not,” Cyrus disagrees. “I love that name. Why did you start going by TJ?”

“Well, I guess it started when my Dad died,” TJ says with a strange look in his eyes. “I dunno, he named me, so it felt weird to use it.”

“I’m sorry,” Cyrus whispers sincerely.

The somber mood drags both of them down for a bit, but TJ attempts to lighten things up by smiling over at Cyrus with a calm reassurance.

Bashfully, TJ decides, “You can call me Tyler if you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” TJ promises. “As long as you don’t say it around anyone else. Boyfriend privileges only.”

Cyrus grins. Now finished with his ice cream, he changes seats so he’s sitting on the same side of the booth as TJ. He kisses TJ’s cheek, who in return squeezes his shoulder.

“Okay, Tyler,” Cyrus says, loving the way that TJ’s real name sounds in his mouth.

TJ also seems to like it if his blooming blush is any indication.

They continue to ask each other a series of questions. Nothing too personal, but personal enough that they get to know each other even better than before. Cyrus can feel their connection strengthen in that short amount of time.

After ice cream, they continue their date on the beach. Somehow, TJ convinces Cyrus to walk on the sand with him despite Cyrus’s strong hatred for it getting everywhere. The sun beats down on them as they walk along the beach near the water. Cyrus can feel how sweaty his palms are when TJ takes his hand, but the other boy doesn’t seem to care.

It’s hot and his feet ache and he already feels the sand working its way up and down his legs. Still, when he looks up at TJ, golden hair reflected bright in the sunlight and green eyes shining like emeralds, Cyrus knows there’s no place he’d rather be.


	14. revelations

_July 12: Santa Cruz, California_

“What do you want to do today?” TJ asks.

They stroll through the edges of town holding hands. Cyrus’s parents have become much more lenient with letting him go out by himself during the day. It’s strange not meeting up at night all the time, but it’s a nice change for both. TJ, on the other hand, figured out that he’s not really on house arrest any longer. Apparently, both his mother and sister are pleased with his attitude recently. Also, TJ thinks they don’t want a repeat of the night at the boardwalk. Nevertheless, he’s thrilled that he doesn’t have to worry about them monitoring his every move.

“I don’t know,” Cyrus muses, swinging their hands higher between them. “You grew up here. I want to see what you experienced as a kid.”

TJ shrugs. “My experiences weren’t that interesting, really. From what stories you tell me, it sounds like your adventures were way more entertaining.”

“Please!”

Cyrus does this cute little pout whenever he wants something. It looks pathetic yet adorable at the same time. TJ just can’t ignore him when he’s looking like that.

“Okay, fine. I’ll think of something.”

Truth be told, most of TJ’s childhood consisted of getting into trouble. It’s strange, because at first, TJ was a well-behaved, mannered child. It was only as he got later into elementary school that he started acting out more. He could blame it on a lot of things, really. For one, his dyscalculia started to rear its head around then, giving him failing grades in math. He started doing things he wasn’t proud of to patch up his insecurities, such as bullying smarter kids and cheating. From there, it continued to go downhill. One of his redeeming moments was in middle school with Marty, the time he felt true to himself. After that, with everything going on between him and his father, his behavior only got worse.

Then, he met Cyrus, and everything changed once again. Pretty soon, it will be time to revert to his normal, arrogant, rude, and troublesome self. It’s only a matter of when.

“Do you want to come to my place?” TJ brings up suddenly.

His mind protests this idea immediately, but TJ has learned from Cyrus that he needs to push himself out of his comfort zone occasionally. Will having Cyrus in his room bring back those tainted memories of him and Marty? What if TJ ends up freaking out? Although these questions remain on his mind, with them comes an overwhelming sense of wanting Cyrus to know more about him.

“Really?”

TJ stops, turning toward Cyrus. “If you want to, that is.”

“I’d love to,” Cyrus promises, standing up on his tiptoes to peck TJ’s lips.

Although TJ knows his mother won’t be home, Amber most likely will. He could consider telling her about Cyrus, at least that they were friends, but she would probably just stick her nose up in his business again. For now, he’ll keep Cyrus to himself.

TJ drives them to his house, making sure to park his car far enough away from the driveway that it doesn’t attract Amber’s attention. From the passenger’s seat, Cyrus scans over TJ’s small house. Suddenly, TJ feels self-conscious. After all, his home isn’t large, especially compared to how Cyrus has described his houses.

“Your house is so pretty,” Cyrus comments. “It’s so unique. Every house in Shadyside is the exact same style.”

TJ snorts, “I don’t know if I’d call it pretty but…it’s home.”

Before this summer, he would describe his house as feeling like anything _but_ home. Even though many of the experiences that have occurred there were unpleasant ones, he couldn’t really imagine being anywhere else. Maybe now that things have gotten better between him, Amber, and his mother, it will keep feeling like a home rather than just a place to sleep.

Instead of bringing him in through the front door, TJ leads him around the side of the house, directly under his window. Cyrus looks up inquisitively, trying to figure out how they’re getting up there. TJ smirks, flinging himself up the tree beside the window with practiced ease. Cyrus gapes at him as he unlatches his window.

“Do you expect me to do that?” Cyrus hisses. “I have the coordination of a baby giraffe!”

“It will be fine! I’ll help you.”

TJ scoots across the bark and snakes down a hand for Cyrus to latch onto. Cyrus continues looking at him for a moment before finally stepping forward and accepting. As TJ begins to pull him up, Cyrus yelps, feet trying to find purchase against the park. TJ manages to pull him high enough toward the branch that Cyrus can wrap his other arm around it and use his feet to push himself the remainder of the way up.

Cyrus giggles, “Woah! Guess I can cross climbing a tree off my list.”

“That was on your list?!” TJ questions worried he forgot something.

“No, it wasn’t. And now it never will have to be, all thanks to you.”

TJ climbs inside the window, feet landing gently on the floor. He then sticks himself back out halfway to help Cyrus, who takes his hand once more and allows himself to be led inside. He lands a little less gracefully, but it’s not enough noise to catch Amber’s attention. After closing his window, TJ spreads an arm out and spins around.

“Well, this is it!” TJ exclaims. “Not much to it.”

“Not much to it? Teej, this place is like a museum of your entire life! It’s fascinating.”

“You’re sounding like a true psychologist’s kid right now,” TJ laughs.

Cyrus looks around his room, admiring the bulletin board hanging on his wall first. His hands brush the photographs pinned up there. TJ blushes, hoping that he doesn’t ask about them. Of course, though, he does.

“They’re my photos,” TJ mumbles. “I took them.”

“These are gorgeous! Have you thought about being a photographer?”

TJ shrugs. “Never thought about it, I guess.”

Cyrus continues to look around with fascination. TJ wishes he had thought to clean up his room before inviting Cyrus over. Clothes lie strewn across the floor around his hamper. _The Book Thief_ sits open wide, page side down, on his bedside table. His desk is cluttered with random pen sketches and cigarettes.

“You smoke?”

Sighing, TJ walks over and picks up the cigarettes, shoving them into his drawer. “Sometimes. Just when it all becomes too much.”

“Smoking is really bad for you,” Cyrus chastises. “You could die from lung cancer.”

“I know.”

“You know, now that we’re dating, you can always talk to me about things when they become too much instead of going straight for tobacco. I know that habits can be hard to break, especially one like this, but can you at least try to completely stop? For me?”

This conversation sounds eerily like the conversation he had with Amber a while back. TJ knows how bad cigarettes are, as well as how much people around him tend to dislike it. Still, they calm him down better than anything ever has (besides the occasional bottle of alcohol, but those are more difficult to get). Quite honestly, TJ doesn’t know why he hasn’t quit yet. He thinks he’s almost punishing himself for everything he’s ever done. Every lie, every insult, every bad thing he’s done.

As they both know, though, things are different now. Combined with his memories of Amber’s pleading for him to quit smoking, along with this new image of Cyrus’s face, he knows he needs to agree.

“I’ll try,” TJ compromises. “I promise I’ll try.”

Cyrus steps forward, gripping him in a tight hug. TJ tucks his nose into Cyrus’s shoulder, breathing in his scent. They stand still like that, breathing deeply in tandem. TJ feels Cyrus shuffle then pull away, obviously fixated on something else in his room.

“You have a piano? Can you play?”

TJ chuckles, following him to the piano bench. “Why would I have a keyboard in my room if I couldn’t play it?”

Somehow, Cyrus manages to squeeze on the tiny bench beside him. TJ flips the keyboard on, absentmindedly tapping out elaborate chords.

“I feel like there’s so much about you I still don’t know,” Cyrus sighs, looking dejected. “Am I a bad boyfriend? I think I am.”

“Are you kidding? You’re not a bad boyfriend at all!” TJ says. “You know more about me than almost anyone in my life. I just tend not to trust people very quickly.”

Cyrus shrugs, moving away to roam around other parts of his room. TJ frowns, standing up and walking behind him.

“I didn’t know you felt this way,” TJ admits. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you who should be sorry!” Cyrus groans, rubbing his hand across his face. “And it’s not even really about not knowing you completely, either. I know that will come with time.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I feel like everything I do is wrong. I’ve never really been in a true relationship before, at least not like this. I worry I’m screwing everything up.”

“Hey,” TJ whispers, cupping his cheek. “You’re perfect. Remember what I told you? Every day I’m with you, I fall in love even more. Trust me, I’m just as clueless as you when it comes to relationships, but we can do it together.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I tend to worry a lot.”

“You don’t need to say sorry! It’s alright. Listen, how about we make a deal? If I give up smoking, will you be less self-deprecating?”

Cyrus nods hesitantly, offering him a slight smile. “I’ll try.”

That’s all they need.

Cyrus leans in, bringing TJ’s head toward his. They kiss once, short and sweet, before joining in a deeper, longer kiss.

As they continue kissing, TJ’s hand roams around Cyrus’s face, trying to map out every freckle and dimple until he knows it by heart. Cyrus’s hands move toward his back, palms rubbing up and down comfortingly.

When they separate, TJ gathers up his cigarettes and dumps them in the trash. He watches as they fall into the bag with a sense of pride. It feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest, leaving him lighter and freer than before.

The next hour or so they spend relaxing. TJ puts on a random movie, and they cuddle together on his bed watching it. Everything feels right. Being wrapped up in Cyrus’s arms, feeling each other breathe together, it makes TJ feel whole.

They’re just about to drift off to sleep, movie acting as background noise, when there’s an abrupt knock at the door. It startles them awake but not enough to move away from each other before Amber comes barging in his room.

“TJ, do you want to—” Amber begins, cutting off with wide eyes when she spots the boy cuddled next to her brother.

Cyrus and TJ, with equally wide eyes and terrified expressions, spring apart. They untangle their limbs, computer falling on the ground. Then, they just stare, no one knowing what to say. TJ thinks about how bad this could go. He can’t try to make excuses, not when Amber saw them cuddled up in his bed! _Hey Ambs, I found this guy on the street, and he was cold, so I was just trying to make him warmer._ Yeah, no. There’s only one reasonable explanation for this, and TJ doesn’t know if there’s any way around it.

“I-I didn’t know,” Amber stutters.

Cyrus squeaks, “I’m gonna go.”

He does so, with one last longing look at TJ. TJ nods at him, a silent confirmation that they’ll talk later. With that, Cyrus hurries out TJ’s bedroom door, making his way around Amber. TJ hopes he’ll figure his own way out. Sure enough, about thirty seconds later, the front door creaks shut.

It’s just him and Amber now.

She begins, “I’m sorry, TJ, I didn’t mean…”

“Amber, please just get out,” TJ groans.

“Wait, TJ, can we talk about this?”

“Just get out, Amber! Please! Leave me alone!” TJ screams, pointing at the door.

Startled by his sudden outburst, Amber does as he says for once, heading out of his room. The instant she leaves, TJ slams his door shut and locks it. He slides down until he’s sitting, back against the closed door.

“Fuck,” TJ swears to himself, hands rubbing his eyes.

Frustrated, scared tears leak from his eyes. Suddenly, he’s back in his room with Marty. His father walks in. He stares, backing TJ into a corner as he shakes with fear. The room around him bends and distorts. Everything around them vanishes, leaving only blackness. His father looms far overhead, eyes piercing deep into his center. As his father grows, TJ continues to shrink. He’s trapped in a real-life nightmare.

Then, his father does something he never did before, something that TJ always wished he would do just to get it over with. He opens his mouth, as if to speak. He screams silently at him, facial expression contouring in anger. His lips move with unspoken words. Even though he can’t hear any of the obvious insults his father his throwing his way, it’s deafening. TJ sobs into his knees, squeezing his eyes shut and willing the images to go away.

When he thinks he’s all alone again, he dares to peek through his hands. His room his back to normal, although it’s blurred from his tears. Everything is where it belongs, and the sun continues to shine through the window.

One whisper, one sentence, goes through his mind. He remembers the moment he first heard it, a moment he’ll never forget. From the scent to the surroundings to the expression on his father’s face, the memory remains vivid in his mind.

Clenched fists, bulging veins, heavy breathing. Fiery eyes, set jaw, permanent scowl.

_“You’re not my son.”_

Although his flashback finally creeps back into the dark recesses of his mind, TJ stays unmoving against the door, silent tears tracing down his cheeks as he stares into nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't even the most angsty ajfldkafljsk. I apologize ahead of time for what's to come.


	15. what would i do [without you]?

_July 13: Santa Cruz, California_

_Cyrus: TJ, please answer me._

_Cyrus: I’m so worried about you, just please let me know if you’re alright!_

_Cyrus: I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, but please don’t block me out._

_Cyrus: **please, ty.**_

It’s just past midnight. Cyrus’s eyes burn from the strain of the incessant staring at his phone, but he refuses to stop anytime soon. Besides, it’s not like he could fall asleep anyway. Every time he tries, the incident from earlier replays in his head, each time more vivid than the last. All he can think of is TJ, face pale with shock, tremors shaking his hands.

In the back of his mind, Cyrus blames himself. He’s the one who pushed TJ to find them something to do. If they had just strolled along the beach, this never would have happened. He knows TJ told him to be less self-deprecating, but the harsh judgements of himself are quick to come. TJ inspires him to be a better person, but without TJ in his life, it’s even more difficult.

Cyrus sighs, rubbing his hands against his face. He glances over to his backpack, then reaches over to unzip it. He takes out TJ’s present, which has become a comfort object for when TJ’s not with him. Flipping the switch, Cyrus watches as the stars illuminate the ceiling.

He wishes there was more he could do. If there’s one thing Cyrus hates, it’s feeling completely useless. Having a purpose in life has always been something vital to Cyrus’s wellbeing. When he met TJ, his purpose was to finish his summer bucket list with him. Then, it became growing closer to him and showing him love. Right now, Cyrus doesn’t know what his purpose is, and that lack of control puts him on the brink of insanity. He just wants to help. It’s in his blood to fix things, to put people back together piece by piece like a puzzle.

He considers texting his friends for advice before remembering two things. First, it’s in the middle of the night, especially since it’s an hour later back in Shadyside. They probably wouldn’t be up anyway. Second, Cyrus hasn’t told them anything about TJ, something he still feels guilty for. The further along he goes not telling them, though, the harder it becomes to share it. He worries that they’ll hate him for keeping it from them for so long. There’s a reason Cyrus wanted to keep it to himself so much, though, a reason he still believes could come true, especially now. TJ will just forget about him. They’ll break up, go their separate ways, and that will be it. Hardly worth gushing to his friends about. Then again, this thing with TJ feels like a gush worthy moment. It feels like a complete, mental breakdown moment.

Cyrus doesn’t know how long he lies there in bed, staring at the fake, iridescent stars above him. It feels like hours. He might fall into fitful bouts of sleep, but it’s hard to tell the difference between dreams and his thoughts running rampant.

His phone lights up, casting a bright, rectangular light beam beside the stars. Cyrus grapples for it in his sluggish, sleep deprived state. Eyes drooping, he squints to attempt to make out the blurry words.

_TJ: talk tomorrow_

Cyrus nearly sobs with relief. TJ doesn’t hate him. TJ isn’t ignoring him. TJ is okay.

Even though Cyrus hasn’t known TJ for very long, he does know that he tends to block things out. But this…this is improvement. The boy he met on the beach so many centuries ago has evolved. Dizzying amounts of pride come over Cyrus. A grin spreads across his face. It’s not over; their story isn’t over yet.

Just then, the exhaustion fully hits him. He barely musters up the energy to switch off the stars and put the glowing orb back inside his bag. Finally, mind void of worries for now, Cyrus falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

It’s morning, but TJ hasn’t slept at all. He spent the entire night trying to keep the flashbacks and nightmares away, as well as comprehending what just happened with Amber. Cyrus kept texting him, as well, and every time the alert pinged on his phone, TJ felt more and more guilty not answering.

He gets so desperate that night that he almost digs through the garbage to find a cigarette. The only reason he ends up resisting is because of Cyrus’s voice trilling in the back of his head. Instead, he reads through his favorite sections of The Book Thief, whispering the words quietly to himself. His hands shake, fingers numb as he turns the pages. Needing something to occupy his twitching hands, he takes out some old sticky notes and a pen to write with as he reads.

After he reads the words enough to memorize them, he finally feels like he can breathe again. He glances at his phone, which is face down on his bed. Never has he craved affection so much. TJ knows it was the right decision for Cyrus to leave, but TJ wishes that he were still here to just hold him.

He looks at the screen, noticing a barrage of texts from Cyrus as well as one from Reed. He ignores Reed for now, too focused on seeing what Cyrus had to say. Hopefully what happened tonight won’t put him off. TJ isn’t sure he could manage without Cyrus at this point.

He opens his messages with Cyrus. His thumbs hover over the keyboard of his phone, debating what to say. There’s so much he could write, endless blocks of text that probably won’t make any sense. He swallows back the lump stuck in his throat. He can’t explain it all, not now and not over text. Cyrus is probably fast asleep, anyway.

_TJ: talk tomorrow_

That’s all he can say for now. It’s a promise for a new day. Hopefully, Cyrus understands.

As night fades to morning, dusk to dawn, TJ’s stomach growls with hunger pains. Downstairs, he can hear his mother getting ready for work. Amber is probably down there, too. No matter how hungry he is, he can’t bare to face her now that she knows.

His biggest fear is that if he ever came out to the rest of his family, he’d get the same treatment that his father gave him. Empty stares, pretending like he’s not there, endless feelings of TJ not belonging because he’s a freak, _it’s not natural_ —

Then why does everything with Cyrus come so naturally? Loving Cyrus is easy and simple. With all the times TJ struggled from love and relationships in his life, he never expected dating another boy would be so perfect. That’s the thing, though. Cyrus isn’t just ‘another boy’. He’s special in so many ways. Their love can’t be wrong when it feels so right.

A clear, crisp knock interrupts him, but this time the door remains closed. TJ heads to his door, ear against the wood.

“TJ? I know you probably don’t want to see me right now,” Amber begins. “and I get that. But I’m leaving some breakfast outside of your room. Just…take care of yourself, please.”

She isn’t ignoring him. She brought him breakfast; she’s respecting his boundaries while still worrying. TJ still doesn’t feel like talking to her about anything that happened. He knows he’ll have to eventually, but for now he prefers to ignore it all. Still, his sister sounds concerned.

He sucks in a deep breath and opens the door.

Amber, about to walk away, looks up in surprise. A box of pop tarts and a bottle of juice sits on the ground in front of his door. TJ bends down to pick them up, smiling at the nostalgic, sugary breakfast pastries. He hasn’t eaten one in ages, and he has no clue where Amber even found them at.

“Want one?” TJ asks, holding out a silver package.

Amber nods hesitantly, taking it.

“TJ, I—” Amber starts.

“Just, not now, okay?” TJ interrupts. “I can’t. Is it okay if we just, sit?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

So they sit down in the middle of the hallway. TJ’s back rests against his wall while Amber sits against the opposite wall. They nibble on their food in silence. TJ brings his feet up flat against the wall, and Amber copies him. He smiles to himself. It feels like they’re children again, sneaking junk food from the kitchen and trying to be quiet as they eat. Of course, as kids they were much less successful at the quiet part.

“Where’d you get the poptarts?” TJ asks curiously as he finishes his package off.

“I keep a hidden stash in my room because I knew if you saw them, you’d eat them all,” Amber teases gently.

“Poptart hoarder.”

They lapse into silence again. The house creaks around them from the wind. A clock ticks downstairs. It smells like dust and strawberry from the poptarts.

“I love you always, you know,” Amber promises. “Even if you are obnoxious most of the time.”

She adds on the last part, of course, to make it sound less serious and sentimental. TJ knows that tactic well.

“You too,” TJ replies. “And thank you.”

Amber goes to stand, but first she reaches over and squeezes TJ’s shoulder. He smiles crookedly, handing the box of poptarts back to her. She shakes her head, pushing them back into his hands.

“You need them more.”

It’s seems silly to get so emotional over a box of poptarts of all things, but to TJ it feels like a symbol. Amber can be subtle in a lot of ways, and TJ has a feeling that this is just another one of those subtle actions.

Suddenly, the events of last night feel like decades ago. His breakdown over his father seems like less of a memory and more of a nightmare. It sounds twisted when he thinks this, but maybe TJ needed to have that breakdown. His pent-up emotions have been storming for so long in the back of his mind. They won’t go away, TJ knows that for certain, but at least now he doesn’t feel like he’s about to crack at any moment.

The first thought he has after going back into his room is how desperately he wants to see Cyrus. It’s a strange feeling for TJ. Never has he yearned to see someone so much. In fact, he can’t really imagine what his life would be like if he never met Cyrus. Things certainly wouldn’t be this good with Amber. He probably would have run away and stayed away for longer. This summer would have been like all the ones before.

TJ takes in a deep breath before dialing Cyrus’s number. With every additional ring, TJ becomes more restless. He paces his room in circles, not sure what to do with himself. All he knows is how badly he craves to hear Cyrus’s voice. Finally, after an eternity of pacing, Cyrus picks up the phone.

“TJ!” he greets. “Oh my god, are you okay? I was so worried! I’m sorry I just abandoned you like that. Are you okay? Wait, I already asked that.”

The familiar rambling calms TJ down. He chuckles softly, both in amusement and relief. Once again, he’s reminded why he loves Cyrus so much.

“I’m okay,” TJ croaks, wincing at the sound of his own voice. “It was rough…but I’m okay.”

Cyrus is quiet on the other side of the line for a moment, much more quiet than usual. TJ frowns. He opens his mouth to say something, but Cyrus beats him to it.

“Do you…” Cyrus whispers. “I mean, I would understand if after that, you wouldn’t want to date me anymore.”

Taken aback, TJ stammers unintelligibly. Did he make Cyrus think that he wasn’t infatuated with him? Is this just another thing TJ can add to the list that he did wrong?

“No! I mean, I want to date you, Cyrus. I like you so much. Why—why would you think that I wouldn’t?”

Cyrus pauses, “I don’t know. I guess I tend to overthink things. I just…I never thought you’d like me in the first place and going through something like what happened last night…I figured it might’ve solidified that you shouldn’t be with me.”

“No offense, Cyrus, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I thought we said you would try to doubt yourself less?”

“I know, but without you there by my side, it makes it tons more challenging. You inspire me, Tyler James Kippen.”

“You inspire me, too, Cyrus middle name Goodman.”

Cyrus laughs, and TJ doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of that sound. The way Cyrus’s giggles evolve into full on, breathy laughter, sometimes snorting by accident. TJ could listen to it all day. Unfortunately, TJ needs to interrupt the cute noise because he can’t hold off any longer.

“Come over, please,” TJ begs. “I just…I need to see you.”

Cyrus’s laughter cuts off, and his voice changes to a more serious tone. “Are you sure?”

TJ nods before realizing that Cyrus can’t see him. He stops his pacing in front of his window, smiling at the memory of them climbing inside yesterday. He continues staring outside, sun lighting up the clouds.

He clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Then I’ll be there.”

When Cyrus hangs up, butterflies erupt in his stomach. No boy has ever made him feel this way, not even Marty.  He can’t stop smiling at the thought of seeing Cyrus again. Cyrus is coming over to see him. Amber doesn’t seem to mind that he’s gay. Life seems to be looking up.

TJ looks around his room with a sudden panic. It’s a complete disaster, especially after last night. In fact, as he looks at himself in the mirror, he realizes that he looks like a complete disaster, too. He starts cleaning up his room a bit, which mostly includes sweeping stuff under the bed. Although he probably doesn’t have time to shower, he makes sure that he appears somewhat presentable.

As he’s getting ready, he hears his phone buzz, alerting him to a new message. TJ jumps for his phone just in case it’s Cyrus. It isn’t. It’s Reed, again. Sighing, TJ figures he should at least check out Reed’s messages.

_Reed: TJ, dude, we need you again._

_Reed: Where the hell are you?!_

_Reed: Come on, TJ, this is big!_

_Reed: I stg, TJ, you better answer or else._

TJ groans. He thought he was completely done with Reed and Lester. He supposes he should have known. But he can’t fall back into old habits, not now. Not when things are finally looking up for a change. It was supposed to be done. They were supposed to be good after the last time. He types out a message and sends it.

_TJ: I said we were done, Reed. It’s a no._

Reed responds almost immediately, as if he were waiting by his phone for TJ’s response.

_Reed: I think you may want to rethink that decision, bro._

_TJ: What do you mean?_

_Reed: What I mean is, if you don’t comply, I have some interesting information I could put out._

_TJ: Are you blackmailing me??? Seriously? You don’t have anything on me._

_Reed: [photo attachment]_

TJ’s heart stops. He shakes his head in disbelief. There’s no way. How the hell did Reed get that picture?! And now, what will TJ do about it? There’s no way he can let that get out. He can’t compromise everything that he’s built so far this summer over one stupid picture. He can’t risk Cyrus’s trust like that.

The worst part is, if it wasn’t blackmail, TJ would say that the picture of him and Cyrus is phenomenal.

Knowing he doesn’t have any other choice, TJ hastily types out a message, fingers shaking.

_TJ: What do you want?_


	16. walls are crumbling

_July 22: Santa Cruz, California_

“I want to stay like this forever,” Cyrus sighs blissfully, arms crossed behind his head.

From his side, TJ grumbles, “Yeah, because you’re the one using my towel!”

A day at the beach. It seems fitting considering their first encounter took place at the beach, even if it wasn’t a pleasant one at first. Cyrus would like to think of this time as redemption. Still, if given the choice, Cyrus probably wouldn’t change anything about that day. He’d suffer through the sadness, the frustration, everything, because he can’t imagine what his life would be like today if he and TJ never met. He’d certainly be more miserable and lonesome, as well as avoiding the beach like the plague. Today, though, he lounges back on TJ’s towel, sunglasses blocking the rays from the sun as he warms himself in the light.

Cyrus happened to forget his towel that day. After giving TJ endless amounts of pouting, TJ relented and offered Cyrus his towel for a bit. Obviously, he soon figured out that was a mistake, as TJ’s now stuck laying down against the prickly sand.

“You’re the one who offered,” Cyrus grins cheekily.

TJ rolls his eyes. Suddenly, he gets a secretive look on his face and stands up to head toward the water. Cyrus frowns, lifting his sunglasses to squint at his boyfriend. He sees TJ bend down, back toward him. Once Cyrus figures out what he’s up to, it’s too late. TJ comes rushing back toward Cyrus with a handful of soggy sand and dumps it all over his lap.

“TJ!” He shrieks, flinging off the sopping clumps toward the figure standing above him.

Laughing, TJ trips back toward the water tauntingly. “You gotta catch me!”

Although Cyrus knows that this is just a ploy to get his towel back in the end, he can’t resist his boyfriend’s bantering. So he hops up, wiping off as much wet sand as possible. Then, he hurries after TJ, feet burning on the hot sand. TJ’s eyes sparkle in the sun as he watches Cyrus race toward him.

After reaching him, TJ swoops Cyrus up, arms encircling his waist. He then drags him over into the ocean waves, Cyrus giggling uncontrollably. Once they get out far enough, TJ drops him in, causing Cyrus to momentarily go underwater. He surfaces a second later, sputtering saltwater out of his mouth. He splashes TJ playfully, but makes sure not to splash him too much because he knows he’ll lose that battle.

“Caught you,” Cyrus mentions breathlessly.

TJ quirks his brow. They’re facing each other now, shoulder deep in the lapping water. Cyrus feels the ends of his hair dripping across his face, and he brings up one hand to push them back. Reaching forward, TJ helps him, tucking stray strands behind his ears.

“Well, what are you going to do now, Underdog?” TJ whispers, space between them shrinking with every breath.

Cyrus laughs, still sputtering up sea water. He steps closer, bare feet brushing kicking up the sand underneath them. TJ sucks in a breath, eyes following his every movement. Slowly, Cyrus raises his hand up to trace along TJ’s jawline and down toward his shoulder. The two of them bob in the current together. Leaning into his touch, TJ reaches his own hand out to catch a stray water droplet paving a track down toward Cyrus’s eye.

Just as Cyrus inches forward the final, short distance with closed eyes, a prodigious wave slam into them. They both get overtaken by the water for a moment. As they’re under the waves, something grasps his wrist. Cyrus jerks in surprise, but soon recognizes the familiar feeling of the fingers linking through his own. Together, they kick to the surface.

Hands still intertwined, Cyrus coughs out more seawater with TJ. Once they catch their breaths, though, they’re immediately taken away again by incessant laughter. The fear that Cyrus would have previously experienced has dissipated, left with only pure joy and love.

“I think mother nature has it out for us,” TJ barks out in amusement as swipes a strand of wet hair out of the way.

“Maybe that’s a sign that we should go back to basking in the sun,” Cyrus hints, gazing longingly at his spot.

“I swear that you’re secretly a reptile with how much you like basking in the sunshine.”

“If I’m a reptile then you’re…a vampire!” Cyrus declares playfully.

TJ cackles, “Why am I a vampire?”

“I don’t know! Because you don’t like the sun as much…although you are pretty tan. But also, vampires are mysterious! And you’re mysterious.”

They start making their way back to shore idly as they banter. Cyrus can’t help but think how easy this all feels. Never has interacting with someone felt so natural besides with Andi and Buffy. Even interacting with Jonah didn’t feel completely comfortable, at least until Cyrus got over his crush. With TJ, though, everything that once seemed so complicated is now so simple.

“We already went over this! I am not mysterious,” TJ retorts. “But aren’t vampires scary? Do you think I’m scary?”

“You could be a vampire from Twilight. They aren’t scary.”

“Oh great, now I sparkle!”

The two of them burst out into laughter as they come out of the water. Cyrus’s wet feet cling to the hot, dry sand below. Bodies soaked, leave a trail of water all the way to their spot on the beach. TJ flops down on the single towel, leaving a glaring Cyrus standing above him. Of course, TJ ends up scooting over so they can share. Together, they huddle against each other as they dry off naturally from the sun. TJ runs a hand through Cyrus’s wet strands of hair as he lies his head against TJ’s chest. Everything feels _right._

After they get their fill of the beach, they stroll hand in hand around the boardwalk shops. Cyrus is honestly surprised by how openly affectionate TJ has become. He remembers questioning him about it a few days prior.

“I don’t know,” TJ had said with a shrug. “I guess that no one else’s opinion matters to me as much as yours.”

Cyrus is amazed he didn’t collapse on the spot. Although he knows that TJ is secretly a big softie, having him act so vulnerable acts as a stark contrast to his guarded off personality when they first met. Cyrus supposes that he’s changed himself, too. He’s learned to not fear the unknown as much, but rather to conquer things as they come. It makes him feel freer.

Now, hands swinging between them as they pass by the stores, Cyrus feels weightless. With TJ by his side, there’s nothing he can’t accomplish.

“Ooh!” Cyrus mentions suddenly, some trinket catching his eye in the shop window. “Let’s check out that place!”

Usually, TJ is keen to go along with what Cyrus wants to do; however, for some reason, as TJ follows Cyrus’s pointed finger, he pales. An indescribable look flashes across his face, but it vanishes as soon as it came. Still, Cyrus isn’t one to let things go that easily.

“Are you okay?” he wonders, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand.

For a moment, TJ seems to be off in his own little world, eyes unmoving from the store in front of them and shoulders clenching. After a few seconds, though, he releases his tension and offers Cyrus a slight smile.

“Fine,” TJ says. “I just…can we go to another store?”

Cyrus can see the strain on TJ and decides to nod in agreement. He does send him a “we’ll be talking about this later” look, though.

The rest of the afternoon goes on without a hitch. The two boys wander around happily, affectionate giggles spewing from their lips. Only when the sun begins to lower in the sky does Cyrus reluctantly say he needs to head back to the hotel.

They’ve gotten into a groove where, when Cyrus’s parents allow him, Cyrus meets TJ a few streets away to be picked up. Then, TJ drops him back off in the same place. It’s purely cautionary, not that Cyrus thinks his parents would disapprove of TJ associating with him, but there’s still a boundary that exists between him and TJ and him in Shadyside.

As much as Cyrus has come to love Santa Cruz (mostly due to TJ, of course) he still misses his friends. All he wants to do is gossip and rant to them about TJ, but at the same time he knows he shouldn’t. He wants to talk to them, though, and chat about random stuff. He knows he hasn’t been as active in the group chat as he should be since he’s been so preoccupied with TJ, and he feels guilty about that.

So, later that night after dinner, he makes sure to facetime them all. At first, he worries that they might be mad at him or that things might have changed, but they fall back into the same banter as quick as ever.

“I can’t believe you actually smashed a guitar!” Cyrus laughs.

Jonah blushes. “It was a heat of the moment thing, okay?! I totally didn’t mean to!”

“Still! That sounds so awesome. I want to smash a guitar.”

Buffy gasps, “Cyrus wanting to be destructive? I think California has changed you for good!”

Andi giggles at Buffy’s dramatics, but Cyrus stills. Has California really changed him? Surely it’s changed his relationship status, but has he become a different person?

“Earth to Cy,” Andi monotones. “You were staring off into space for a bit there.”

Smiling awkwardly, Cyrus says, “Sorry, just had a busy day.”

“I wish we could have busy days with you! The whole group dynamic is different without you here! _Jonah_ almost preformed tater theatre because we missed it so much!”

“ _Jonah doing tater theatre?!_ I wish I could’ve seen that!”

“Nothing’s better than the original, though,” Jonah adds.

It feels like nothing has changed, yet so much has. Who knew that one, single summer could create so many alterations to his life? Cyrus wonders what life would be like right now if he would have stayed in Shadyside for the summer. It seems ridiculous to even think about that anymore, as he couldn’t imagine his life any differently at this moment.

“Good news, though,” Buffy starts, “Only one month left until Cyrus comes back!”

Jonah grins, “Awesome.”

“Yay!” Andi cheers with a squeal.

Cyrus swallows heavily, then plasters on a smile. “I can’t wait.”

Is it a lie? He honestly can’t tell. It feels like one of those half-truth half-lies that you tell yourself to improve your mood. However, Cyrus just doesn’t know what to feel at this point. One more month.

One more month until he sees his friends again.

_One more month left with TJ._

…

TJ swallows back the bile rising in his throat. He yearns for a cigarette, but he also knows that he promised Cyrus he would stop. Still, the itch has only grown within the last few weeks, crawling under his skin and unleashing itself at night. The stress forces him awake, not that he has the time to sleep anyway. The cover of darkness has morphed into yet another separate life, another strain of TJ that he hoped was gone for good. As it turns out, though, Reed and Lester forced that version of him to return from the shadows. Now, he feels like he’s constantly being tugged in opposite directions by each part of him. At this point, he isn’t even sure who he truly is supposed to be.

But Reed was insistent and is still insistent. The photo looms over TJ’s head with every cheeky comment he bites back. As much as he’d like to pretend the release of that photo wouldn’t bother him, TJ knows that deep down he still holds this feeling of bitterness and fear about his feelings. Sure, going out in public with Cyrus he’s willing to do couple things, but hardly anyone pays attention to them. If Reed released that picture, though, not only would all of TJ’s peers and family know, but some of Cyrus’s family might find out. Although it’s a rare possibly, TJ can’t possibly risk it. Cyrus is too important to him. So he begrudgingly listens to Reed’s instructions, hoping that this will be over soon.

Night after night it continues. Sometimes, there are breaks; it will be days before Reed texts him again, but he always does unfortunately. Just as TJ thinks he’s off the hook, he gets an alert on his phone right on schedule. Although Lester isn’t the mastermind behind any of the plans, he dutifully follows along and makes certain that TJ does, as well. He’s almost like a guard dog of sorts, there to help out while also keeping TJ in check.

Keeping his different lives separate hasn’t been easy, but recently it’s become increasingly difficult. Seeing Cyrus is always the highlight of TJ’s day, but now the first thing he feels when he sees his boyfriend is a drop of guilt in his stomach. Thoughts pulse in tune with his heart: _Liar, liar, liar…_

He wants to tell Cyrus more than anything, but there’s two things holding him back. First is Reed and Lester, who explicitly instructed him not to tell anyone else about their arrangement or else. Before, TJ would have snorted because how could they know? But somehow, they got that picture, so TJ doesn’t doubt them anymore. The second reason is much more internally driven. TJ knows that if he told Cyrus everything he’s done, all the terrible things, that Cyrus wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. There’s not a speck of hesitation in TJ when he thinks about that. The TJ that Cyrus has come to know isn’t the whole picture.

“Kippen, hurry it up,” Lester barks out as he stays seated in the front seat of Reed’s truck.

TJ glares at him, “Shut up.”

“Make me!”

Reed groans in annoyance, massaging his temples. “Both of you can it! We need to get going. No more cat fights.”

“This is ridiculous,” TJ complains. “Why the hell can’t you just leave me alone, Reed?!”

“I told you, we _need_ ed you again! We couldn’t pull any of this off without you.”

A dark look crosses over TJ’s face. “How long are you going to hang that photo over my head, Reed? Please, I’ve done enough of your dirty work. I’m done.”

“If you leave now, that photo is getting released. I’ll make sure to send a copy to your boy and his parents, too.”

“Screw you!”

Reed walks closer to the passenger door, opening it wider. Inside, TJ folds his arms in spite while Reed simply watches him, uninterested.

“How about this, Kippen,” Reed wonders. “I’ll cut you a deal. If you help us one last time after tonight, I’ll get rid of the picture.”

“Oh please, you expect me to just trust your word?”

“I’ll let you watch me delete it from everywhere. Just two more times, no complaining. We get the job done, in and out. Are you in or not?”

Sighing, TJ hops out of the truck, taking Reed’s offered hand and shaking it firmly. Lester watches the interaction carefully from the sidelines.

“Fine. Two more, then you delete it. Then, it’s over.”

“Then, it’s over,” Reed confirms.

TJ would rather be doing anything else, but Reed says it’s only two more times. He knows he shouldn’t trust Reed’s word, but at this point he’s getting desperate. Besides, even though they don’t get along as well now, Reed and Lester still used to be his best friends. As long as he listens to them, nothing bad should happen.

TJ hoists his back up higher on his shoulder. “Well then, let’s get going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!! If you're still here, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CONTINUING TO SUPPORT THIS STORY!! It means the world to me! :)
> 
> This story is getting closer to the end! Prepare yourselves for the next chapters ;) I'm thinking 5/6ish chapters left with an epilogue! Anyway, stay tuned because this is about to get crazy!


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